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Critical Analysis #1
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Paint me
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Paint me |
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mere enigma Junior Member
since 2001-01-29
Posts 18 |
You paint me In delicious hues You color my instincts and illuminate forgotten recesses My black and gray become crimson and fire My brown chocolate My olive green a vibrant forest My eyes emeralds My hair cascading waves of grain My skin glowing embers You wash my dull existence with prismic raindrops and dancing rainbows And blow cool blues and purples through my veins You rub red, ochre and vermilion into my skin Drawing white hot pleasure from my loins Smearing my blues in swirls creating paisley patterns of pleasure Pasting your kaleidoscopic madness in my memory You pen your name in thick, dark, midnight blue strokes and outline it with golden smiles I am The purple rose on your yellow grave |
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| © Copyright 2001 Mere Enigma - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Krawdad Member Elite
since 2001-01-03
Posts 2597 |
"I am the purple rose on your yellow grave" How does the rest of the poem lead up to this? What did I miss? |
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mere enigma Junior Member
since 2001-01-29
Posts 18 |
I'm sorry, it doesn't.. it is an "in" reference.. meant for a friend.. if you read "Purple Room" and the prelude to it, you may get a sense of the meaning. |
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Greg_s Junior Member
since 2000-11-23
Posts 36Los Angeles, CA |
I think in order to effectively highlight and enliven the images and emotions present in this poem, you must take out the first person. I think this will force you to use stronger diction, and stronger line economy. Doing this may empower your title beyond just that, a heading. I would even cut down on the use of the second person too. Show me who it is, not tell me. If you can do something to this effect, then I think the poem can be greatly improved, whereas now it lacks originality of language and inspiration. |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Enigma, I haven't seen this name before. Welcome. You might not have seen mine but I sometimes haunt these boards. I have to dis-agree with some before on this poem, sometimes that meddlesome hankering for specifics can become a stumbling block, and don't get me wrong, it has its place. But there's always the exception. I feel this poem resides upon that podium. I loved the poem, followed its every nuance, and I think that is its strong point.. Nuance. I could do without the last line though, it throws the whole feel of the poem. Just my opinion. |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Enigma, While I can't directly relate to this poem, I really respect its vividness and descriptive skill. I agree, though, that the last two lines don't seem to mesh. If 3 poems of yours are connected, it might be an idea to put them together somehow. Otherwise, I think this one should be able to stand on its own apart from the ending, but that's just my humble opinion. I don't think you should change the point of view. I think the intimacy would be lost. The first-person point of view seems to make us readers feel that we're either peeking into someone else's head or that we've become someone else for a time. Very interesting strucuture, too, by the way. I think it fit with the artistic, fluid nature of painting and creating art in general. Do you want to tell us a bit about what you were trying to express with this poem? I got the sensory experience, but I don't know if I grasped the meaning entirely. I'll look for more of your work, Ashley |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello mere enigma, "You paint me In delicious hues You color my instincts and illuminate forgotten recesses My black and gray become crimson and fire My brown chocolate My olive green a vibrant forest My eyes emeralds My hair cascading waves of grain My skin glowing embers" Not a bad opener, I like the premise though it has been done before. I found the repetition of "My" kinda distracting and a few of the descriptions flat and cliched, ie. emerald eyes, skin-glowing embers. Consider elaborating even more with the descriptions, for example "My hair/cascading waves of grain gently wind rubbed and fawned like a harvest.", yeah I know that line won't win me any awards but its just an example. Personally I think you could probably do a lot more with this opening stanza. "You wash my dull existence with prismic raindrops and dancing rainbows And blow cool blues and purples through my veins" I didn't like the "dancing rainbow" part, kinda sounded a little too light. Liked the last two lines of this section. Out of curiosity is "prismic" supposed to be "prismatic"? "You rub red, ochre and vermilion into my skin Drawing white hot pleasure from my loins" Thought the first three lines were fairly interesting but found the last three lines kinda weak. Consider describing pleasure in one's loins with more than "white hot". "Smearing my blues in swirls creating paisley patterns of pleasure Pasting your kaleidoscopic madness in my memory" Pretty good section of the second stanza. Consider changing "creating" to something like "of" to help the flow of that line. "You pen your name in thick, dark, midnight blue strokes and outline it with golden smiles" Thought the first three lines of this were solid but found the "golden smiles" slightly off in comparison. "I am The purple rose on your yellow grave" Though I have no idea how this relates to another of your poems I still enjoyed the last two lines. Creates a nice picture. All in all I think you can do a lot more with the first stanza and also tighten up the second stanza a bit to make this interesting but already done premise work for you. Thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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mere enigma Junior Member
since 2001-01-29
Posts 18 |
All, Thank you for taking the time to critique my work. First, you are right- the last two lines were more of a personal message and did not belong with the poem. They should be disregarded. I know that the poem is a bunch of cliches, but I write based on events and feelings related to them. I try to express myself in the best way at that moment. I am sure my poems can be improved, but changing them takes away from the feeling of the moment. I prefer to take your advice and build on it in the future. This poem was about someone breathing color into your dull life,like a new love. Everything in your life becomes colored by their presence. I used metaphors of painting, writing, art to illustrate this. Thanks again, Mere Enigma |
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