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A Song For You (Revised)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A Song For You (Revised) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
This is the new version based on the very worthy criticism I received on the original. To me it reads much smoother and more naturally. Please advise whether that is really the case or just my imagination working overtime. A Song For You I’d give to you the freshest rose And it would there seem stale, Though lovely charms for you I sought ‘Twas all to no avail, No matter what the gift I chose My efforts all would fail, For in your presence it was naught -- Its loveliness was pale. The touch that lingers from your hand Long after you have flown, The echo of a parting sigh In melancholy tone, My Love, you’ll never understand The longing I have known, The essence of a kiss goodbye, Then emptiness ... alone. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
yes, I think this is much better! "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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mark woolard Member
since 2001-01-02
Posts 143 |
Bravo! |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Pete, Very nice work! It really added power to the last stanza in particular as well as making it seem more sincere and less contrived (refering to the "Nature's bounty" and "bemoan") over all. Yes, very nice indeed! |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Pete, Very nice work! It really added power to the last stanza in particular as well as making it seem more sincere and less contrived (refering to the "Nature's bounty" and "bemoan") over all. Yes, very nice indeed! Ashley |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, I liked the first very much, and I like this one even better. It is, as you wrote, much smoother...naturally. Kris "As to conforming outwardly and living your own life inwardly, I do not think much of that" - Thoreau |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
This is the bomb! Not too many could say it this way, and make it ring true in every crevice. A joyful read. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Mark and Lerk, Thanks to you guys for pointing out those 2 awkward lines. That was, of course, the main reason for revising. As I said, they seemed a bit off to me but after studying it many times, I managed to convince myself that it was all right. You made me rethink that, much to the benefit of the poem. Thanks. Ashley, In thinking about your comment on the "Nature's bounty" reference, I decided to change that also, not so much because it said the wrong thing but that it didn't say enough. Nature's bounty, or Nature's beauty which was the next incarnation, still limited the quest to things from nature. I thought that was too limiting as I wanted to include any and all sources. Well, maybe that's a bit too grandiose, but there it is anyway. I don't think the final wording shares that fault though. Kris and YeshuJah, You guys are just too kind. I'm particularly pleased that you two enjoyed it  Pete |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Pete, Oh no, I mean, I am even more impressed with this version. Did something I said come out as an insult by accident? I liked both versions, but this one is even more polished. The "lovely charms" work even better. Ashley |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Pete, Oh no, I mean, I am even more impressed with this version. Did something I said come out as an insult by accident? I liked both versions, but this one is even more polished. The "lovely charms" work even better. Ashley |
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Lerk Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49Dayton, OH USA |
I could be wrong, but it didnt seem to me as if pete was offended. "A little folly now and then, is treasured by the wisest men" --Willy Wonka |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Quite to the contrary. Rather than offended, I think it's great that all you folks take the time to read and critique responsibly  In fact, since I've been here, there has been only one writer whom I thought offensive (no names please) and he is long gone. Now don't take that to imply that I agree with everything that's been said or written  Now Ashley, it seems you have me cunfused. I don't understand what I might have said to imply that I was offended  Naah, j/k, you don't have to answer that. I did like your suggestion. That's why I included it, or at least part of it, in the final (make that revised) version Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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