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Critical Analysis #1
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carolinehill
Junior Member
since 2000-12-21
Posts 14


0 posted 2000-12-30 05:10 PM



i did post this in open poetry 11 and tried to delete it but couldn't, if one of the moderators would i would be really grateful. thanks c.h.


siamese
the trampoline grass, slipping, oil through drains,
into unconciousness.
the world falling flat, feather to the warm waters of sleep. all
for me.
i was placing my hand into your head
when
you collapsed into my lap. you
a face blunted and dull of drink, sticky liquor on your lips. no more conversation
                    for us two, scouts in the night,
indian braves!

teepee migration
in summer time of humid heat
and fever and fits of derision and delusion.



© Copyright 2000 carolinehill - All Rights Reserved
Ryan
Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297
Kansas
1 posted 2001-01-03 02:04 AM


First off, I want to say that I love everything from the sixth line on, and I only have minor suggestions for that section.  I'll get to those later.  But the first 5 lines are giving me trouble.

First off, for both the title and the first line, why "siamese?"  It really has nothing to do with the Indian comparisons you bring in later.  Of course, maybe it's a reference to siamese twins, and so it's trying to show that the two of you are connected in some way.  If so, I don't think it's very well executed.  If not, why is "siamese" even used?  I guess I just don't see the purpose of it.  I'd consider either better clarifying it's presence in the poem (by that, I mean edit the poem so that readers of the poem better understand what "siamese" has to do with it) or using a different image.  Just my opinion.

I've been looking back over lines 2-5 and they are starting to work better for me, but I'm still not quite sure.  I will have to think about it more (so I'm not sure if I'll find the time to get back to this...hopefully, but who knows), so I would try to get some more opinions on that section.

Okay, now for the minor suggestions.  In line 6, I'm seeing an image of a hand actually being placed inside the head (through a wound or something).  Is that the image you want?  I guess it just doesn't work for me.  I think "onto" would work better than "into."  That would completely change the image, but I don't think it would hurt the overall movement of the poem at all.

I'd suggest a comma after "you" on line 8.  Grammatically, I'm pretty sure there should be one there.  It looks like you could be trying to use the line break to indicate a pause, but the comma should probably be there too, especially because the rest of the poem makes good use of them (commas).

Finally, think about rewording the last stanza.  I stumbled over all the "ands."

I really enjoyed this poem.  One of the better ones I've read on here recently.  Thanks for posting it.

Ryan


"ah, little girls make shadows on the sidewalk shorter than the shadow of death in this town--" - Jack Kerouac

carolinehill
Junior Member
since 2000-12-21
Posts 14

2 posted 2001-01-04 06:33 PM


thanks for your comments ryan,
im rewriting it now or trying to so they should help. ta.

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