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Homo-Collage
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Homo-Collage |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Reaching is my thing, it's what I do and who I am. I could ignore the happenstance of your presence, and be transported into times the clock said I never lived in, to record years and daze of things my eyes thought they'd never seen. I am neither wrong nor right and could never be, for my existence is a sustained illusion with no certain conclusion. I am the slave who survived and endured larvae bursting forth from his skin, while standing upon a rolling deck translating heads into golden coins soon lost to the wind. I was there when Jesus wept, and indeed was one of the angels sent who watched Gomorrah sleep the night before Lot fled into his daughters arms. I rode with Attila across the steppes, my stirrups dipped in blood; Alexandria called great was one of my many lovers, and I felt the fires of desire burn in the spirit of Gandhi as he resisted a power seemingly greater than he. I was sacrificed at the hands of the Incas before the Spanish came, their lust coursing down my legs after they'd placed the bridle in my mouth. The Egyptians called me God and wrote my name in their book of the dead; rulers found it imperative to be intimate with me, consulted me before battle, and at my behest sacrificed the choicest of their choicest cattle. I am scribe, prophet, obeah man, juju man, medicine man, voodoo priestess, and griot all in one. They will call upon me again... they will. |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
YeshuJah, first of all I really enjoyed the poem there are some wonderful images and lines, and the poem has massive potential I found that it did not flow as well as it could, the piece could have a far more powerful impact with some editing. First of all I found that the first two lines did not sit well with the rest of the poem, the poem for the most part has the atmosphere of a statement where as the first two lines seem casual, suggestion, " I reach, it is my existence, my core, my hands are eternally stretched.." something more dynamic to flow through to the next line, also I do not quite see the relation between the first sentence and the second. The line "I am neither wrong nor right" I would suggest "I am neutral," or "passive" the line "is a sustained illusion with no certain conclusion". I think "without" instead of "with no" would suit the flow better. Line 11 "I am the slave who survived and endured" I think this line could be tightened a bit, "I am the surviving slave" and surviving and enduring are both similar words, the next line puzzles me, the change from first person to third, too fast for the reader, nice image but is it in connection with the slave (1st person) or Jesus. If it is the slave then the line could read " I am the surviving slave with larvae bursting forth from my skin." Other wise I think the rest of the poem works well especially the latter half with the religious imagery that is where the main power of the poem is. If you could bring that same power to the first half of the poem, I think you will have a great piece of poetry. < !signature--> "In the shadowplay, acting out your own death, knowing no more As the assassins all grouped in four lines, dancing on the floor" Joy division [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 12-23-2000).] |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Hi there ... This piece brought forth some very intriguing images in my mind ... some of them quite powerful. I must admit, though, that it was only the second half of the poem (after "I am the slave...") that spoke to me thus. The first part was simply too vague ... you speak in circles and shadows. The only portion of it (the first half) that I liked at all was the first two lines ... they were vague also, but you had to lead into the rest of the poem somehow ... LOL. The second part was nothing short of amazing, imagery-wise ... I'm a bit tired and so can't get too in depth on the structure or particulars but some of those lines really gripped me by the throat. The only place that I thought it lost a little steam was at the end of the second stanza with "all in one." Could use something more original there. All in all, a wonderful read. I'm glad I stopped by.  Happy Holidays, --Linda < !signature--> Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. [This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 12-24-2000).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Brian, thank you for reading and commenting on this poem. I will re-tool this with an eye to your suggestions. Thank you. Skyfire, thank you for reading and commenting on the poem also. I agree with you that the poem takes off at the line regarding the slave.. I kind of started off with another idea in mind and then veered in this direction, which perhaps accounts for the disconnect. Thank you. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Yesh...A Happy New Year to you, I found this poem to be immensely interesting. It was very readable, and full of powerful phrasing, which, in turn, brought up equally powerful images. I also found that the rhythm and flow were pretty darn consistant, and don't think that there is any problem there. I do think, however, that only the first line is a bit too flippant for the remainder of the poem, and that is easily remedied, if you so wish. This is the first poem that I have truly enjoyed reading that had a "religious" theme, as it was so unique...getting its message across in such an unusual manner. I do not think you were too vague in the beginning of the poem...it was a lead-in to the second half, and I think it was well done (of course I prefer a bit of mystery). As one reads, it all falls into place. Nice work, Yesh, Kris < !signature--> All good poetry is the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings...~William Wordsworth [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-29-2000).] |
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