The Third Day - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

0 posted 2000-12-15 06:07 AM

It seems a most unnatural shade of blue,
As though the heavens stretched a wraithlike hand
To rob the earth of heart and life and hue
And left behind a corpse of thorn and sand.
The peacock silk beside the beggar's pale
In stark relief and opposition lies,
While gilded gusts lament their dusted veil
And howl their outrage to the culprit skies.
White limbs, arrayed in mockery of brush,
Raise twisted fingers as in worship, awed
And reverent: for once. This was the hush
Of Eden, before it felt the hand of God.

[This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 12-16-2000).]

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

1 posted 2000-12-16 04:02 AM

Well then, my dear CA wolves, I suppose I will just submit this little number to the main page as it is obviously perfect, since none of you seem to have any criticism to offer ...

LOL

--Linda

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

2 posted 2000-12-16 12:15 PM

It sorta feels like a sonnet, sounds like a sonnet, scans like a sonnet ... but arrgg it stops in mid-creation mirroring the snapshot of God in full flow but unfinished - unnatural.  Ok, I know this could have been arranged in three abab cdcd efef quatrains, but I kind of like the idea of the unfinished form and the unfinished earth.

This is (as usual from you) beautiful iambic pentameter with sufficient enjambment and small changes in pace to make it interesting.  Just wondered whether the run-on lines might not read better without upper-case first letters (my personal preference).

Its not until the last four lines that I have any "serious" queries.

"White limbs, arrayed in mockery of brush,
Raise twisted fingers as in worship, awed
And reverent: for once, this was the hush
Of Eden, before it felt the hand of God."

For some reason I keep reading a sentence end, or at the very least an exaggerated pause at the word "once".   So, with a period:

"White limbs, arrayed in mockery of brush,
Raise twisted fingers as in worship, awed
And reverent: for once.   This was the hush
Of Eden, before it felt the hand of God."

The other interesting bit relates to the sound, or more accurately the speed, of the final sentence (or what is the final sentence after my interference ..lol), I read it as follows:

................. this WAS   the HUSH

of  E  den,  be  fore  IT  FELT the   HAND  of   GOD

I'm not going to bother to try and split it into feet,  or even claim that this is the ONLY way of stressing that line, but I'm fairly sure that most people will read:

"of E den, be fore"

in such a way that the voice will be forced to rush or skip quickly through the syllables "den, be".  In itself this breaks the iambic pattern which might not be a bad thing if it added something to do that, but the interest for me lies in the fact that you have a caesura between the very two syllables that want to be hurried.  This has the effect of creating a tension or conflict or even perhaps a roughness to the reading at that point.  My eyes are telling me to pause, my brain is telling me to rush on ...  lol ...... which come to think of it is a major role reversal coz usually it's my eyes that are saying GO FOR IT and my brain that's saying WHOA ...heh ~smirk~ ....

At the moment I'm hard pressed to see why you might have deliberately created that effect, so either I'm missing something or else, as per usual ~sigh~, my English ear "hears stress" in a different way, and actually, to the average American, the whole line is perfect iambic pentameter!....

Anyway there ya go. Great read Linda

thanks

philip

Irish Rose
Member Patricius

since 2000-04-06

Posts 10263

3 posted 2000-12-16 03:09 PM

This is stunning, I only offer some minor punctuation changes and word changes, take what you would need or nothing

I love it. You MIGHT want to versify a line here and there, keeping with form and add a trochee, or anapest, to break up the strict form, but all in all, I'm impressed.

It seems/ a most /unnat/ural shade/ of blue,/

as though /the heav/ens stretched /a wreath/-like hand;/

to rob /the earth/ of heart/ and life/ and hue/

and leave /behind/ a corpse/ of thorn /and sand./

The pea/cock's silk /beside/ the beg/gars pale./

In stark/ relief/ does op/posit/ion lie./

While gil/ded gusts /lament /their dust/y veil/

and howl /their out/rage to/ the cul/prit sky./

White limbs /arrayed /in mock/ery /of brush,/

raise twist/ed fin/gers held/ in wor/ship, awed./

In rev/erance,/ for once /this was /the hush/

of E/den un/touched by/ the hand /of God/.< !signature-->

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day,
so I never have to live without you."

Winnie the Pooh

[This message has been edited by Irish Rose (edited 12-16-2000).]

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

4 posted 2000-12-16 05:18 PM

Philip: Thank you for your critique; I was honestly expecting to be ripped to shreds on this as I, too, felt the air of the "unfinished" about it. I am embarrassed to say I never thought about the appropriateness of that touch with the Eden reference ...

   However, I was heading toward a sonnet, and decided against it at the last minute because I could not preserve the impact of the last line in a couplet -- so maybe my subconscious was being a genius for me...?  LOL

In the matter of capitalization, I am a staunch traditionalist and as such feel compelled to capitalize every line, even in my free verse ... I tell you sometimes I think I would capitalize the LAST word of every line too if I thought I could get away with it!  You mentioned the run-ons ... would that mean that if I had two back-to- back lines which were sentences unto themselves that I would cap both, but not so if I was continuing my thought...?  Tsk tsk, how tacky ... LOL ... luckily I rarely have so brief a thought!

OK, now to the kicker ... yes, the last line DOES kick up a bit of dust, doesn't it..?  In fact, this is how I read the last two lines:

in REV er ance, for ONCE, this WAS the HUSH
OF E den, be foreit FELT the HAND of GOD.

The lack of space between "fore" and "it" is intentional because I fuse those two in the reading -- almost to the point of separating the "be" from the mix.  So yes, it does rush there ... which is why I inserted the comma to force a pause in what otherwise would have been 5 syllables stumbling over one another to be finished.  That line gave me more grief than any other, what with the anapestering me and the problem you spoke of ... but as it was that line that inspired the entire thing, I found I was hard pressed not to include it.

As for your suggestion to place a period in lieu of that comma after once:  LOVE IT!  Not really what I first intended to convey in that line, but it works.

Irish Rose, I thank you for the effort you put forth to rewrite my poem. In the matter of the strict form, well, that is my trademark, and I have broken many more of my rules here than is usual, especially with the anapest. I admit, I am a stubborn old bird, but I appreciate your stopping by.

BTW -- LOVE your signature -- Winnie has been my fav since I was 3, which was ... well, a long, long time ago ... LOL

--L

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2000-12-16 05:54 PM

Linda,
I read this yesterday but was under severe stress at that time so I thought it better to leave it until today. Yesterday was 'going to Immigration day' and this is always stressful for me (besides the fact that I overstayed my visa this time). Everything worked out however and I can now look at dates without my heart skipping a few beats.

Just to let you know that you aren't being ignored.

I liked this piece and am always pleasantly surprised to read something in more or less iambic. It's just so rare these days that when you actually read a new poem with it, it comes off as fresh and lively.

As to the last two lines I read them as:

And REVeRENT: for ONCE. This WAS the HUSH
Of Eden, beFORE it FELT the HAND of GOD.

The 'den' in Eden is so muted however that I didn't even see it as a substitution until I looked at it more closely, almost like Ed'n or 'asm' in enthusiasm.

I like the quietness in tone here and many of the images. What's interesting to me is the ambiguity you've left underlying the Fall; you've avoided actually accusing the white limbs of their guiltiness and let almost a 'vengeful God' image dominate the poem (as I read it anyway). This, it seems to me, is a nice shift from the usual religious slant. I was reminded of Milton.

Interesting point, reading an interpretation of Blake and Milton the other day and both seemed to believe that before the Fall, sexual intercourse was more a kind of body melding than the act it is today. It's an interesting idea even if it has nothing to do with this poem.

"beggar's pale" could do with something more original.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Skyfyre
Senior Member

since 1999-08-15

Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap

6 posted 2000-12-16 06:47 PM

Brad:

So glad to hear they won't be carting you off! This place wouldn't be the same without you ...

  As far as my earlier attack of hubris, rest assured that it was only me being difficult, as is my womanly duty.  LOL

I agree with you on the pronunciation of Eden; the E comes off so strong that the rest of the word seems almost an afterthought -- barely even a syllable.  In consideration of this, and with no lack of personal squirming, I allowed my more traditionalist self to be persuaded to allow the anapest.

Beggar's pale -- guilty as charged, but I can see no other option to preserve the rhyme.  Perhaps I shall look into something else for the "veil" as well ...

The fact that anything about this or anything I write reminded you of Milton was high praise indeed and should keep me humbled for at least an hour or two.

Thank you, as always, for your opinion.

--Linda

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

7 posted 2000-12-18 10:05 AM

Hi Linda,

Sorry if I seemed to ignore your poem.

Really I didn't though. If you will look at my answer to Fractal007's basement project poem, I made several references to yours as an excellent example in which to learn iambic pentameter.

I think you will agree that I liked your efforts much

But, I spent so much time on that answer that my fingers were used up by the time I finished so couldn't respond to yours.

BTW, I'm with you on the capitalized lines

so just ignore Philip on that part. Usually he offers quite good advice but not necessarily always

(Sorry Philip, just had to get that one in there)

Loved it
Pete

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.