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Critical Analysis #1
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aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90


0 posted 2000-12-13 11:09 PM


You sit and I row back the years, flipping
them like the pages from last week’s precursory
statements. And there is nothing left from
sixteen onwards as I repulse the love from underneath
and the curtain flies to the right, a haphazardly-broken
ideal embraced in the fancy of a new day and the purity of half-struck
light. And as you become less ordinate I find the detail
in your lies remarkable, the beauty
of them somewhat hard to believe. I cry

(and I rush to the territorial, and I rush to the proverbial, and I rush
rush into your arms because nowhere else is not far from here)

And then, there, the milk dominates the sideways-turning
fury of your need for reassurance, and your need for purifiance
your need for closure and clarity bound halfway through the pages.
I know your subtlety relies on perspicacity, and something I cannot give.
I lie to the minister sometimes, and I lie to the priest, and I sing your
sway, sometimes, the sublimity surreal.
And I’d give away the summer solstice to flip back to page fourteen
where I could forgive. I’d let the logic float away back to November
so I could sing you to sleep for the last time, in yellow-spun rhyme
and let you shut the back door and hear the shatter-pierce of glass
light the fire at noon in the hopes I could remember. I do

(and I sell the gown you gave me for two candles; autumn rain,
and a little box to hold the letters in)


© Copyright 2000 aurora rain - All Rights Reserved
Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

1 posted 2000-12-15 05:40 AM


I can't believe no one responded to it, would you please e-mail me about posting this in the Digital Newsletter. I'll e-mail YOU.
Thank you!

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day,
so I never have to live without you."

Winnie the Pooh



Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

2 posted 2000-12-15 05:41 AM


oh, you don't have an e-mail listed, please let me know, my e-mail is indy31_99@yahoo.com or you can reach me with my icq number....this is beautiful

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day,
so I never have to live without you."

Winnie the Pooh



Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap
3 posted 2000-12-15 06:34 AM


The only thing I could find that is 'technically' wrong with this piece is the use of 'and' to start many of the lines ... but as I live in a glass house in that respect, I shall not throw that stone ... LOL

It was perfect, compelling.  I loved it.

(reminds me of someone I've read before, though I can't imagine who)  

--Linda


Remember: maintaining a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will certainly annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90

4 posted 2000-12-15 01:38 PM


irish rose, i've emailed you.  

it's strange....no-one replies to things i write. maybe because i'm still "new"?

Irish Rose
Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263

5 posted 2000-12-16 03:28 PM


I WILL give you a critique, Autora, but I wanted to post this with an article I'm doing for the Digital Passions Newsletter for the Valentine's Day edition.  You can read the Newsletter online.  Just say yes, or no
and I will be back to critique this, I loved the theme, but it does need some work!!!

"If you live to be a hundred, I want to live to be a hundred minus one day,
so I never have to live without you."

Winnie the Pooh



aurora rain
Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90

6 posted 2000-12-16 11:34 PM


yes, you may put it in the digital magazine.  
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