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Critical Analysis #1
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Cerulean Surrender A Sonnet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Cerulean Surrender A Sonnet |
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KokoStewartKoomoa Senior Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 580Waikiki, Hawaii 
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 The pounding of the surf upon smooth sand And foam curls softly over velvet beach; The whisper of the breeze cries its command Revealing to me, I'm whom it seeks to reach. The wind calls out of your sweet love for me With breath of salty air, it courts my soul And essence of your kiss so heavenly; You fill my emptiness and make me whole. Enfolded in the arms of your embrace A harbor safe at last from raging storm; I dearly long to look upon your face Disclosing tenderness and love so warm. Surrendering, the shore receives the sea; And enraptured, I do yield so willingly © 2000 Koko Stewart Koomoa (All rights reserved) Passion,imagination and intellect running together... Poetry in motion~~~ Aloha with warmest regards, Koko |
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| © Copyright 2000 Cheryl Stewart Koomoa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello I’m no expert so please take what I say with a pinch of salt. I enjoyed the read but two lines didn’t quite trip off the tongue: ’Revealing to me, I'm whom it seeks to reach. ‘ The meter seems off in the ‘I’m whom’ part which interrupted the smooth flow, as an alternative example try replacing the line with this and re-reading: Revealing I’m the one it seeks to reach I’m not suggesting this as a direct replacement, my writing isn’t that good, but the meter seems more in keeping with the flow, at least to my ear. ’And enraptured, I do yield so willingly’ I’d lose the ‘and’, it doesn’t add that much to the line except to make it unwieldy, I’d also think about changing the ‘so’ to an ‘as’, this will emphasize the comparison you’re trying to make with the yielding shore and the narrators feelings. Thanks for the chance to read and reply Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Koko: Welcome to CA, Koko. I enjoyed the sentiment you express in this poem. The rhyme scheme seems to be intact for a Shakespearean sonnet but it seems to me that your meter (typically iambic pentameter for a sonnet) slips up in a few places. Also, and this is only my opinion, I think lines of poetry should read naturally and inversions of words and phrases should be used to emphasis that word or phrase rather than to preserve the rhyme scheme. This takes quite a bit of work but it is not impossible. Thanks for the read. Jim P.S. I noticed you have submitted several poems here. If you haven't done so already, I would suggest you take the time to read and reply to other poems posted in this forum. It is sort of a semi-written courtesy in CA to reply to 2-3 other poems for every poem we post. This encourages discussion and learning and, well, discussion and learning is what I like to think this forum is about.  |
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KokoStewartKoomoa Senior Member
since 2000-12-04
Posts 580Waikiki, Hawaii |
Thank you Jim, Yes I have taken time to respond to quite a few poems here, each time I post as well. Thanks for critiquing this poem. I am reposting a revised form of this poem. Thanks for your wonderful and friendly help! < !signature--> Passion,imagination and intellect running together... Poetry in motion~~~ Aloha with warmest regards, Koko [This message has been edited by KokoStewartKoomoa (edited 12-05-2000).] |
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