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Critical Analysis #1

# i dont know like 438

skyler
New Member

since 2000-12-04

Posts 5

0 posted 2000-12-04 01:32 AM

reflected light,
sweet the sound of the machine
defeating
the aura glow
to full for words
this is the sound of the great giants
this is the sound for few ears.
i sit at the chair of the first
day.
heat rising from the burnt  such
is my words  such
is fleating of hours to wait on these moments.
a silliote come my way the arms come back in my
pains kiss of succubus
no i have been relesed
long saught
after by the under i am
and you are
the controll hindering
my mind and all over me
running with the streangth and passion
pumping forward
run far to know
a foot from the face
of all things.
Here is the day before us
burnt and dry for most
all reaching for life
for something
better bigger
even as the trees in their nakedness appere
this breath i take has been
breathed and recycled
by millions before me
i am
secound hand smoke
and this breath i take in to my body
was the very one
that gave you life
as a child
i feel you burning
in my eyes
God
touched by you while  lying
in the middle of the road
coming your way
as i
tear a butter fly in
half
I will never walk through walls
we will never drive a caddalac
we are the damned
children of our depravity
punching at sheets
killing our parents
as they killed us and birthed us at the same time
.you will never understand my hatered
for you
succubus as i lick you wounds and
press my face
against your neck
with only one intention
i am     ,sorry for what.    i am
as i smirk under neith my skin
this machine pumps
out hot dry word in to the
air
but this is the only truth i know.
we are born the same way
all as children
and we die
all the same way
ceacing to understand the path life has chozen for us
what made us this way?
we are so wrong and too blind to ever see it
to be able to reconize what we can do
to make us
right
so we run
and cause the wind to blow us back
because we dont
have the face
to become the
I am
we will rip our lives
in half
trying to find the core
trying to salt our blemishes
running to near the face off all things
but i remember your name
your zealouse fingers finding
there place in my back
finding a
softness behind my eyes
a conforatble red
and wax  dripping from my pours
i remember  your name
carved in the backs of alleys running
from what I never should have
awoken fool
not to see the shadows cast in all things
bigger and longer
than we but know
the opposition brighter than you
and brighter than
us and
with this my fist starts to burn
and the sulfure change
tickles my nose
and recalls your name you are
as I was
and will soon become
you are there sounding the last footsteps behind me
making love to
you while licking the pavement and burning my eyes and
tearing myself apart in hopes to get to the core
I dont want to breath this recycled searching
I dont want to run anymore from this pumping control
confining my nerves
let me sit again at the
chair of the first
day
roaring at the world
speaking music
seeing music
being music
carving with my toung the formula to defeat
this machine we call man and
to understand the
source of
this
reflected
light.

Severn
Member Rara Avis

since 1999-07-17

Posts 7704

1 posted 2000-12-04 07:02 PM

Hey Skyler (love that username btw) welcome to Passions - and I must say you are brave posting for the first time in CA!

I haven't too much time, so I will select certain things to say rather than giving you an entire critique.

Firstly, I want to suggest that you go through this and edit your spelling carefully. Spelling errors always detract from the flow and enjoyment of a poem. As your poem is long, and written in a style where the lines continously flow from one to another, the numerous spelling errors make it a little difficult to read.

Whenever I write I have a dictionary in easy reach should I need it - and I am ridiculously scrupulous about editing. (If I get caught out here with a spelling error I get hideously embarrassed hehehe).

(Rem the defence vs defense Jim??)

As far as structure goes:

I am a freeverse writer myself, and this style appeals to me. However, given the length it might be a good idea to insert some breaks - to give a reader breathing space as it were.

For example:

quote:
...pumping forward
run far to know
a foot from the face
of all things.
Here is the day before us
burnt and dry for most
all reaching for life
for something
better bigger...

could become

'pumping forward
run far to know
a foot from the face
of all things.

Here is the day before us
burnt and dry for most
all reaching for life
for something
better bigger'

Having said that I just want to mention my theory about what I call the freeverse myth: 'doesn't matter where the words are placed - after all, it's freeverse.'

I firmly believe that FV sentence structure needs to be as firmly thought-out as that of a metered poem.

Breaking up your poem into small sections could aid that. Even if you chose not to break it up, editing some of the word placement could tighten it up a little. Also, the poem's movement is erratic, following on from the erratic nature of the thoughts in it I assume. To make it easier for the reader to comprehend all you are trying to say section breaks can be a good idea.

Eg:

quote:
...we are born the same way
all as children
and we die
all the same way
ceacing to understand the path life has chozen for us
what made us this way?
we are so wrong and too blind to ever see it
to be able to reconize what we can do
to make us
right
so we run
and cause the wind to blow us back
...

could become:

'we are born the same way
all as children
and we die
all the same way ceasing
to understand
the path life
has chosen for us
what made us this way?
We are so wrong
and too blind to ever see it

to be able to recognize what we can do
to make us right
so we run
and cause
the wind to blow us back'

I added 'ceasing' onto the end of one line because otherwise you have 'way' at the end of three lines which is a little too solid.

This leads me onto the third thing in the structure...punctuation.

I believe that in freeverse writing it really needs to be consistent to achieve the best effect.

Hey - thanks for sharing here...I believe this piece has a lot of potential and would love to see a revision

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