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Critical Analysis #1
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Hazelnut Coffee -- REVISED
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Hazelnut Coffee -- REVISED |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
Thank you for your imput. **************************** The aroma seeps from its pores golden-brown oak hugging doorways, windows, and planked underfoot vanilla curls from ivory candles, glowing softly around the room as shadows mingle lighthearted laughter with Venetian wallpaper I see you through the darkness distinguished, animal magnetism and my imprudence stands exposed, as my body sits opposite you smooth and creamy hazelnut coffee the only witness as our conversation slips into whipped cream. Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor |
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| © Copyright 2000 Cynthia Proctor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
I liked this, especially the atmosphere it creates. You involve all of the senses here, nicely done. One thing bothers me a little, however...the first few lines. "The aroma seeps from its pores golden-brown oak hugging doorways, windows, and planked underfoot" If I'm reading it right, you are saying that the aroma of hazelnut seeps from the pores of the wood within the room. Though "hazelnut" is not just a flavor...it is an "atmosphere", am I right? It is a bit confusing to me. At first it seems as though you are describing the aroma as akin to the wood, ie "golden-brown". Perhaps it could be worded in such a way that both of these points are clearer. All in all, I liked both versions, although this is better. I like your imagery and phrasing. You create a warm and tantalizing picture here, mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
PoetryNest: Welcome to CA. I agree with much of what Elizabeth mentioned in your previous version of this post. I think, with a little work, this could be a strong piece of work. For the purposes of this critique, I will do my best to prevent my aversion to hazelnut coffee (uck!) from influencing my opinion of the poem.  There were a few places in the poem that stood out to me as being relatively weak. quote: Besides the syntax problems that made reading these lines difficult, your adjective use seemed a little wordy. "Laughter" seems to be a relatively weak noun and I am certain there is better way to say "lighthearted laughter". When I have more time I'll try to come back and take a closer look. All-in-all, I like the poem and the mood you've set. Thanks for the read. Jim |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Cynthia, may I call you Cynthia? Is Cynthia your name or is (A Dove) some sort of riddle? This is a wonderful improvement. A few more suggestions:The aroma seeps from its pores ~ I'm still having trouble with this line. Even with your explanation from the first version, this line doesn't quite ring clear… and with the revised lines following it, it now seems a little stale. (One of the terrors of revisions is that you sometimes create problems by evolving the rest of the verse. Grrr, I hate that.) vanilla curls ~better… but not quite "it". distinguished, animal magnetism and my imprudence stands exposed, as my body sits opposite you ~ YEA! as our conversation slips into whipped cream ~ This is okay if you don't mind the poem being "cute". Infact, if "cute" is the goal, the whole thing is fine as is… but beware, the CA wolves don't like cute . This is completely your choice. There are other changes, but I think a few other analyst need to dig in first. Remember, every poem is a work in progress and can ALWAYS be improved. No matter how many revisions you post here, there is always something someone can point out. The key is to ask for suggestions until YOU feel the poem reads right, feels right, and conveys every image you wished to communicate. Overall, this version really overtakes the original... a warmth is apparent here that was not as evident in the original. Lovely job. ~ Beth P.S. Before Brad gets to ya (hi, Brad :it's a requisite in CA to critique others in CA regardless of your faith in the ability of critiquing if you want to continue to get your own pieces torn to shreds .I know, I was forced to  ,and much like the echo of your parents' advice when you were a teen, following it comes to much good ( prior to a bit of sulking). The eyes of the more skilful will grace your pieces much more quickly if your name gets attached to others' pieces… just lettin' ya know. [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 11-11-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
PoetryNest: Elizabeth wrote: quote: We prefer to call it a "courtesy" rather than a "requisite".  Elizabeth was a special case ... she required a little more discipline than most. Again, welcome to CA. I enjoyed the poem (even if I prefer a good dark roast over hazelnut any day of the week). Jim |
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Elizabeth Cor Senior Member
since 2000-10-13
Posts 879Over the river and through the woods |
Jim (and Cynthia... I can still call ya Cynthia, right? ), I meant requisite in the sense that over time responses will dwindle, and your own initial post will not receive credit if others are not receiving feedback. Not in the sense that you MUST reply to exist here. It was a bad choice of wording, my apologies... and thank you for the needed correction. And I know I'm a special case... you don't have to rub it in .~ Beth [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Cor (edited 11-12-2000).] |
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PoetryNest Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46Orlando, FL. 32703 |
No apology called for. You're stating the truth. I just have a time issue (very limited). When I'm not at work, or trying to grab a few hrs. sleep, I maintain The Nest, which has a fairly active forum. Your forums are wonderful, and you are all very kind. I like it here, and will visit as much as time permits. Thank you, again. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Cynthia, I think the revision is good, for the most part. Hovever, I still prefer the original ending. This one may border on the "cute" side but, more importantly I think, it takes away some of the ambiguity and room for interpretation that the original provided. Thanks Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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