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Critical Analysis #1
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Interloper
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart

0 posted 2000-11-07 05:55 PM



The ultimate union

I search through my mind’s maze looking for words
that can do justice to the feelings here
in my heart of hearts.  They soar like the birds
in migratory flight, dependent, near.
Then they are captured and put into some
form that begins to make a sort of sense
out of the chaos.  They become the sum
of senses that are allowed to condense
themselves into word pictures with feeling.
I bring these emotions into the light
of my intellect and send you reeling
with their impact and you sudden insight
into the depth, width, and breadth of the love
I have for you.  Yet you recover, dear,
and respond, though guardedly, with your trove
of smiles and coy glances as you draw near
and offer your warm, sweet, soft lips to mine
in answer to my words.  As our lips meld
into one, we savor the moment, dine
on our emotions, with our spirits held
high by the immenseness of our sharing
such wonderful feelings with each other.
We are happy while giving and caring,
each to and for the love of another,
for the love of me for you, you for me,
and, yes, for the ultimate union … WE!

© Copyright 2000 The Tall Texan aka Doctor Love - All Rights Reserved
Interloper
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart
1 posted 2000-11-08 06:41 PM


Can I get no one to rip this apart for me?
PoetryNest
Junior Member
since 2000-11-08
Posts 46
Orlando, FL. 32703
2 posted 2000-11-08 08:44 PM


Hi. Saw your post for suggestions.
I will put [] around things I would delete,
and () around things I would insert.
I like the thoughts, but it seems over done.
After the copy with notations, I have placed the edited version at the end, for clarity.

*********************************************

The ultimate union

I search [through] my [mind’s] maze [looking for] (of) words
[that can do] (to convey these) [justice to the] feelings [here
in my heart of hearts.  They]that soar [like the birds]
in migratory flight [, dependent, near.
Then they are] I capture[d] and put (them forth) [into some
form that begins] to make [a sort of] sense
out of [the] (this) chaos.  They send [the sum
of senses that are allowed to condense
themselves into word] pictures (of my heart)
[with feeling.]
[I bring these emotions into the light
of my intellect] and [send] set you reeling
[with their impact and you sudden insight
into the depth, width, and breadth of the love
I have for you.  Yet you recover, dear,
and respond, though guardedly, with your trove
of smiles and into] (with) coy glances as you draw near.
[and offer] Your [warm,] sweet[, soft] lips [to mine
in] answer [to my words.]  (as we) [our lips meld] (melt)
into one (body)[,] We savor this moment
[dine on our emotions, with our spirits] (of purpose)
[held high by the immenseness of our sharing
such wonderful feelings with each other.]

[We are happy while] giving and caring[,
[each to and for the love of another,
for the love of me for you, you for me,
and, yes, for the] (exalted in righteous)
[ultimate] union. [… WE!]

********************************************

The Ultimate Union

I search my maze of words
to convey these feelings
that soar in migratory flight.
I capture
and put them forth
to make sense
out of this chaos.
They send pictures
of my heart
and set you reeling
with coy glances
as you draw near.
Your sweet lips answer  
as we melt
into one body
We savor this moment
of purpose
giving and caring
exalted in righteous union.


Cynthia (A Dove) Proctor

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
3 posted 2000-11-09 12:27 PM


Hello Interloper,

I don't believe I've seen you in here before so, Welcome to CA. Things do seem to have been a little slow the last few days. That's probably why you haven't had much response.

I'll start by saying free verse is not my forte so take my comments for what they are worth. I see you have end rhymes but with no discernable meter, it is still FV IMHO. Although it is not very educated, I still have an opinion   and here it is.

On second reading, trying to keep an open mind, I think you have a good start here. The first few lines, however, almost caused me to not read the rest. I see "heart of hearts" as a terrible cliche. What is that anyway? That just has to go. Leave just one heart if you have to. Then the whole reference to migratory birds seems not only unnecessary but out of place and unrelated. Seems forced there just to make the rhyme work.

I also think some of the other rhymes seemed a little forced. You might consider dropping the rhyme completely to let the words and thoughts flow more naturally.

Well, as I said, this is just one opinion. After about the fifth line or so, the poem begins to sound and feel much better but the beginning doesn't work for me.

Now maybe you can get some other opinions.

Pete

Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap
4 posted 2000-11-09 02:27 PM


Hello Interloper,

When I began reading this, I might have initially been tempted to call it "blank verse" rather than free verse, as I noticed that you were true to the ten-syllable-per-line count throughout.  However, as blank verse is traditionally written in iambic pentameter (not to mention that blank verse has no end rhymes - LOL), the Powers That Be may argue with my assessment there should I choose to reveal it.  You do have a few lines which adhere to IP; however the majority do not and for that reason I cannot be certain whether the ones that do have regular meter are so by intent or accident.  So, erring on the side of caution, I will call this "free verse" for now.

At this point I must admit that I would have liked this piece better as metered and rhymed verse; as it stands, I find that your poem has just enough structure to be annoying.  Not that your poem is annoying; just that I find myself caught between wishing the structure was more complete and wondering what you might be able to do with this should you release yourself from the strictures of the syllable count.

Before I say more, I wonder what you find more important in this piece:  the wording of the sentiments herein, or improvement of the structure?  I hesitate to say more before I get an answer to this; I can help with either, I think, but not both at once.  I dare not subject you to the rigors of my wordiferousness without full consent ... LOL

I'll be looking for your reply,

--Linda


Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

Interloper
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-06
Posts 8369
Deep in the heart
5 posted 2000-11-11 08:35 AM


Poetry nest - thank you.

Not a poet - 'preciate the comments.  I just let it flow. Don't know what to call it.

Skyfyre - I am more interested in the words.  I have no formal training in writing poetry.  My favorite form is the sonnet.  Sorry about the cliches.  I just wanted some good, honest critique.  If you care to help, then get it on  )

By the way, my wife loved it and that is really what matters most.

Live for love. Without love, you don't live.


Skyfyre
Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906
Sitting in Michael's Lap
6 posted 2000-11-15 11:37 PM


Well I'm back ... everybody duck!  LOL

First off, I would like to say that IN MY OPINION (key point there), this poem would be the perfect candidate for a rhymed-and-structured verse.  I say this for several reasons:

1)  You have some very tender sentiments here, none of which I believe would be tarnished by a little creative rearranging.

2)  The syllable count per line does not deviate so dramatically as to make it difficult to achieve a uniform count -- this is the first step to structure ...

3)  You have already invested what I assume was a considerable amount of time in the end-rhymes in this rather lengthy piece of poetry, and 'twould be a shame to let all that hard work go to waste!    

That being said, I will proceed with the assumption that you have somewhat of an ear for meter (not a necessary trait for a good poet -- my own Michael is as tone-deaf as they come in that respect LOL), and rearrange your first four lines in iambic pentameter:

In mazes of my mind, I search for words
that offer justice to the feelings here
In this, my heart of hearts.  They soar like birds
In migratory flight: dependent, near.


Let me stress that I do not think this a better wording than the original; only more consistent in meter.  Obviously the diction could use some polish, but I tried to use as many of your own words as the meter allowed so as not to appear to be rewriting your thoughts for you.  I merely wanted to give you an example of how you might take this lovely tribute to your wife and make not only the feelings, but the rhythm of the poem "sing."

Respectfully,

Linda

< !signature-->

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers.

[This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 11-15-2000).]

Lerk
Junior Member
since 2000-11-17
Posts 49
Dayton, OH USA
7 posted 2000-11-17 12:07 PM


Nearly everything I was going to say (including the excising and addition of words) was already coverd by poetry nest on the micro criticque end....so I just have a macro comment that the part of this poem I liked best is its overall texture, which was consistent and scratchy and interesting and comfortable, all in a good way.
I'd adopt the changes suggested by Poetry nest, and then write another one right away. I liked it.


Perception *IS* reality

Flower Power
Junior Member
since 2000-07-26
Posts 29
Ottawa, Ontario, Canada
8 posted 2000-11-17 05:18 PM


Hi,

Like Lerk, most of what I wanted to say has already been said but I wanted to give you my opinion anyway.  You said your wife liked it, and that's what's important.  Very true.  I believe that poems should be artsy AND accessible to the public.  Now, you've got the accessible part -- because I think almost anyone can relate to and appreciate your poem -- but you have to work on the artsy part.  Poetry Nest gave you a good start.  I really like her changes: it seems less of a short story that way.

But what a great start!  Experiment with it!  And remember, in poetry, you don't have to have full sentences.  We defy the rules in poetry!

Stephanie

"Can anything be sadder than work unfinished? Yes: work never begun."
~Christina Rossetti

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