»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Hothead
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Hothead |
|
|
Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095
|
Pain caused by the prick of happiness, a wankel engine charged cocksure, and it's head leads the way while the sack of its brain bubbles bubbles bubbles saliva foams the corners of mouth's joy, breath ridden like edges of an egg, waiting waiting to be creamed, waiting to be dipped into Angel of Darkness November 2000 < !signature--> "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" [This message has been edited by Dark Angel (edited 11-02-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Dark Angel - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
One thing--- a wankel engine is rotary-- a piston engine is more phallic like with its back and forth repetitions....  whatever are you up to with this dear?Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
||
|
Marq Member
since 1999-10-18
Posts 222 |
If you're up to what I think you're up to with this, it's clever and well done! Wankel engine may work here, even if its rotary because of the name. If I were your teacher and grading you I would give you a B for this poem.  ) |
||
|
Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Heh heh What's to critique? (GASP..lots but no time right now...) Hmmm..upon rumination I think I might have encountered someone like this before Mmy. |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
maree this was a quite revolting poem! I’m absolutely sure that that was you’re intent and I guess for that reason it could be called a success. I am totally in agreement with Marq - the image and meaning conveyed by “Wankel” is all that really matters here, although it does occur to me that the slang word alluded to may have whizzed past the notice of American colleagues as to my knowledge it is not frequently used over there. No matter because there is plenty of other stuff in those first few lines to batter the poor reader into submission - lol. No seriously i like it. The implication of transitory pleasure in the “prick of happiness” yet with the more overt allusion as well works i think as an opening and indicates straightaway pretty much what is going on in the poem. If that wasn’t enough we are then deluged with a quick series of additional and lurid images just to make sure. I think the general implication that a male thinks with some other part of his anatomy that his brain is clear enough, but there is also a rather interesting undertone of the shallow pleasure to be obtained from self-gratification. Just one little change - i might suggest “sack” to “sac” - i think if you check, you might like my suggestion better perhaps . But certainly the first stanza conveys in a very convincing and graphic way a tone of revulsion at the kind of behaviour described. Good work maree.The second stanza doesn’t have quite the power or “masculinity” of the first, the tone moves almost towards a kind of passive “come-on” - if there can be such a thing? ... perhaps a sexual coquettishness, but again of course the images are pretty clear and carnal. I think you are perhaps a little easier on the feminine party. Is that general partiality borne of experience and your personal bias maree, or just truth in a particular instance?.. I thought you did a pretty splendid job with this - certainly not a “nice” poem - but personally i thought this was up there with your best .. Thanks Philip |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Maree: Interesting poem. It actually reminds me of something I read some time ago by Dylan Thomas and perhaps that is why your poem didn't work for me as much as I think it could have. Not because I didn't like Thomas's poem but, rather, because I found myself comparing yours (albeit unfairly) to his. One thing that is missing for me is an element of subtlety in your metaphoric language. "Cocksure", for example, is much too obvious. I also think this could be more than merely a clever description of the sexual act. Consider developing your theme, making some sort of statement, and clothing it in your colorful wording. Some excellent lines here, Maree. I enjoyed it. Jim |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Maree, You succeeded in this endeavor, I would presume, and your wording, phrases etc. were cleverly done in that respect. I, however, find it a little too blatant for my taste. I would try to disguise it even more. Nice work, though, mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
