»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Relativity of Time
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Relativity of Time |
|
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven 
|
Oh time where is thy healing hand? I await the unwaiting supposed avenger of bloodless hearts wise counselor If indeed thou art adviser of fools you simply pass by spent on yesterday invested in tomorrow Still I wait thy pleasing is relative to nobody uncaring caller of cadence marching into oblivion those you enslave illusionary and real at odds with eternity at peace with nothing excepting your own passage disappearance being your only concern leaving me Behind < !signature--> Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 10-30-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Jamie Patterson - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"Time" personified. A poem about time and the healing of a heart broken by love? Wow Jamie you sure set yourself a difficult task if you want to write something original, and interesting to the reader! I haven't read the metaphysical poets for a while, but this sure had some undertones of that kind of writing. Oh time where is thy healing hand? >>> not fond of the archaic language but i guess you are trying to set a certain "atmosphere" yes? If you're going with "thy" and "thou" etc then the opening word should be "O". >>> these two lines sound perhaps a little too familiar for some reason I await the unwaiting supposed avenger of bloodless hearts >>> ok, lets see. you wait for time to heal your heart, but time itself doesn't wait? wise counselor If indeed thou art adviser of fools >>> hummm not sure whether time portrayed as a "counselor" or "advisor"really works for me >>> would the second line here not be better in parenthesis and uncapitalised? you simply pass by spent on yesterday invested in tomorrow >>> quite liked this  Still I wait thy pleasing is relative to nobody >>> these short line breaks...... what do they achieve? what's wrong with: "thy pleasing is relative to nobody" or even: "thy pleasing is relative to nobody" uncaring caller of cadence marching into oblivion those you enslave >>> this read quite well and i think the idea works too illusionary and real at odds with eternity >>> first line almost cliche ....second line best in the poem imho at peace with nothing excepting your own passage disappearance being your only concern >>> ok i think ..though the "at peace" thingy sort of went past me leaving me Behind >>> pretty convincing closure all in all jamie, and considering the difficulty of writing on this subject with any originality at all, i think you did ok. If I've got one single complaint it's that the whole piece sounds sort of detached like a rather unemotional soliloquy. You commence with a clear first person statement about a state mind, and how it requires healing, but then proceed into a rather abstract dialogue about the nature of time itself and its interaction with life and man, only reintroducing the immediacy in the last two lines. Nothing wrong with that in principle i suppose but the contrast of first person opening and closing with the more analytical centre does neither any favours in my opinion. As a reader of the first six lines I'm looking forward to hearing all the nasty little details of a broken relationship or the loss of a beloved pet or whatever, and instead i read some Shakespearean type speculations of cosmic proportions. Perhaps you were trying to emulate the bard himself in the way in which he mingles universal and very personal dialogue - difficult to do jamie ...... as usual, just an opinion Philip |
||
|
warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Prometheus, How very coincidental! Just this morning, I sat to write, and the only word that kept coming to mind was "time". I could not link it with a suitable concept for a poem, though, as you seem to have done here. Philip seems to have pulled the piece apart already. I would add that the line "leaving me" in the last stanza might work better as a part of the stanza above it...then the next line, "Behind". All in all, I thought you did a pretty good job with a subject that is so very hard to write about in terms that are not very cliche. I enjoyed reading. mia |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
O Philip what did ya 'spect from one such as I.....lol Actually you aren't so far off...in fact you were very close at times... The entire poem is about all the cliches on time and the qualities attributed to it..- Oh time where is thy healing hand? I await the unwaiting supposed avenger of bloodless hearts this of course is for - "Time heals all wounds", as well "time and tide wait for no man"( Frost I think) and Lord Byron lent this line to the opening as well as the last two lines from above--"Oh Time! the beautifier of the dead, adorer of the ruin, comforter and only healer when the heart hath bled... Time, the avenger!"--(ps- notice the Oh!) wise counselor If indeed thou art adviser of fools you simply pass by spent on yesterday invested in tomorrow Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.( Hector Louis Berlioz ) Time will explain it all. He is a talker, and needs no questioning before he speaks. (Euripides) Time is the wisest of all counselors-(plutarch) Time is the fairest and toughest judge. (Edgar Quinet) Time is the school in which we learn, time is the fire in which we burn. (Delmore Schwartz) "time discovered truth" (seneca) -and of course the many sayings on wasting time; spending time on worthwile endeavours,, and "good things come to those who wait" is kind of investing time in the future when you think about it... thy pleasing is relative to nobody This is just saying how nobody can be made happy by how fast time goes by.. or how slow-- as in -Time is Too slow for those who wait, Too swift for those who fear, Too long for those who grieve, Too short for those who rejoice etc..(henry van dyke) uncaring caller of cadence marching into oblivion those you enslave Time marches on--etc... He who lets time rule him will live the life of a slave. (john arthone) illusionary and real at odds with eternity at peace with nothing excepting your own passage disappearance being your only concern Time is real-- yet it is illusionary--according to the theory of relativity that is...lol--( ask albert) and the rest is simply the way I liked it..The way the poem is layed out was the way it seemed easiest to read--( Maree and I read it over and over-- changing it endlessly)- I really thought you would pick up on the satirical yet somewhat thoughtful theme of this Philip. < !signature-->Oh? and Philip..one more thing../pip/Forum42/HTML/001750.html Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 10-30-2000).] |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
Mia- I had to separate them for that very reason-- it was read with what was above---- thanks for your input...I really appreciate it. Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jamie, A lot has already been said but I would add one more small comment. If you want to use archaic language (which I have no problem with) it seems more appropriate to use it throughout. You seem to bounce back and forth here. JMHO. Pete |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
time moves-- so did the use of language.. Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
heh heh ..silly me  well now ... let's see, the literary references just went right over my head in fact with the exception of Einstein (which I mentioned as a near cliche) and possibly Frost which i dimly remember from 20 years back i don't think i knew any of the sources for the quotes - very interesting they were actually - thanks. furthermore, because of the way you cleverly disguised the "source" material there were really only two places where i thought the poem was tilting towards cliche and even there it didn't matter much. still, you're now effectively telling me that the value of this piece lies in the: "satirical yet somewhat thoughtful theme"... first off although i thought that the piece had an epigrammatic feel to it i have to say that, probably because of my abysmal literary education during the last 20 years, the background sayings were lost on me. However even now i’m not sure that i spot too much satire - at least it certainly isn't strong satire, and as i said before, the first person opening (whether or not it is supported by a Byron quote), would seem to me to further weaken any intended satire. Most, if not all the quotations you cite are made “seriously” so you can’t surely be satirising the original speaker or his intent, which only leaves the possibility of the satirization of the present speaker (“you”) in calling forth all these apparently cliches prescriptions in relation to time. This is a pretty long-winded explanation if you ask me and one which virtually guarantees that any satirical force will be lost in any case. Furthermore, as i said before, the piece itself in most parts didn’t come off as cliche at all - so while you might regard the source material as “cliche” it is difficult to see how you can say that you are satirising the very use of time cliches when you don’t in fact use them overtly. Secondly, yes there is thoughtfulness in the piece, and i have to say that the bit i picked out as liking best was the line “at odds with eternity”, and the very point at which you started ploughing your own furrow. My main complaint remains, viz the opening and the expectations raised by it, but i do like the poem as it progresses, and if i ignore the opening, this section is really quite strong: “you simply pass by spent on yesterday invested in tomorrow Still I wait thy pleasing is relative to nobody uncaring caller of cadence marching into oblivion those you enslave illusionary and real at odds with eternityat peace with nothing excepting your own passage disappearance being your only concern leaving me Behind” as for the format.........lol......well i would never dare argue with maree’s suggestion in that respect. She is pretty damn good at short line poems..no? Thanks again for the read jamie, next time don’t presume so much on my literary background, I’m kinda ignorant like that despite the fact that maree has no doubt been telling you that I’m some kinda genius ..heh heh  Philip Just read the exchange with Pete. In the light of what i now see you were trying to do I understand that you where using the language appropriate to the particular quote that you were working with, hence the somewhat jumbled result in the poem. I’ll even go along with Byron’s “oh” ...... [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 10-30-2000).] |
||
|
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Jamie - I've tried three times unsuccessfully to comment on this piece... so now, I'll be satisfied just saying I really enjoyed it and felt a personal connection with the subject matter. Chris |
||
|
Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Jamie Firstly, I enjoyed discussing your poem with you last night Secondly,I really like your poem and I think you did a great job penning it down, I find it is very well thought out and clever. I did not notice the line, "leaving me" last night I do appologise, and I have to agree with mia, it would be better with the stanza above, leaving the word "behind" alone on a new line Wonderful Jamie Maree "If my words could blanket the skies and fill every corner and crevice of this earth, still this won't be enough" "Maree Russo" |
||
|
Jamie Member Elite
since 2000-06-26
Posts 3168Blue Heaven |
To all those who took the time to critique this-- I thank thee--lol, seriously though, I do. Based on these observations......... Temporal father where is your healing hand? I await the unwaiting supposed avenger of bloodless hearts Wise counselor (if indeed you are) adviser of fools you simply pass by spent on yesterday invested in tomorrow still I wait Your pleasing is relative to nobody uncaring caller of cadence marching into oblivion those you enslave Petrified vapour at odds with eternity at peace with nothing excepting your own passage disappearance being your only concern Leaving me behind < !signature--> Jamie Tu ne cede malis, sed contra audentior ito. - Virgil. "Yield thou not to adversity, but press on the more bravely". [This message has been edited by Prometheus (edited 10-31-2000).] |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jamie: I can't recall commenting on any of your poems before. I'm sorry (for my own sake) that it took me so long. I really enjoyed this. quote: I'm critiquing the revision, btw. The opening lines are strong. Not-too-obvious allusions to the cliches of "time heals all wounds", "time waits for noone", and "in time, he'll get what's coming to him". I actually think you've pulled off something that is very difficult to do ... you took tremendously common subject matter and restored it as an object of interest. quote: I saw this stanza as a bit of a jab at conventional wisdom. I read a German proverb recently that went something like "Old errors are always more popular than new truths". You've started me thinking/applying. That's a good sign. quote: The alliteration was a little grating. I do like the "marching into oblivion" but I think it would be worthwhile to explore another side of it ... that certain portrayals of historical figures end up obscuring the actual person (George Washington and the cherry tree, for example). quote: Nice way to rap it up. The line break at the end of the "disappearance being" line caused a slight pause in the flow of the stanza as I read it. Since you are personifying Time in the poem, I considered "being" for one brief second as being a noun (as in "human being"). I would suggest a slight alteration in diction as a fix. Strong poem. I enjoyed it. Jim |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
