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Critical Analysis #1
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no title ( i think i did it)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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no title ( i think i did it) |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
I think i might of got the meter right this time. However, if this is not the case then please let me down gently! ------------------------------------ This morbid sound it haunts me easily, Still after years the screams won't leave my soul, While this time its the sound which stings my spine, It still brings darkened blood into my ears. Old unhealed scars are opened through your pain I see my face so vividly in yours. The pain and guilt you feel were once my own I want to help though still i dare not move Incase i fail and must relive my past FOr you alone can understand that pain. The sound it peels my skin back to the bone And freezes both my feet upon the ground I know that time will never heal your wounds But i'll except my past, and help you soon. ---------------------------------------------- HOw'd i do? I think the message is a widdle clearer in this one (well i'm hoping any way). -libby- |
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| © Copyright 2000 Libbi - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Libbi, I'm not an expert on meter (I just do mine by ear), but it sounds pretty good! Now you have to get the rhyme scheme in place. One step at a time is a good way to learn. I'm sure one or another of our experts here will let you know if you made any slip-ups...and they'll do it nicely...won't ya guys? Nice work, Lib, Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Libbi, It's good to hear another new voice here in CA, especially one who writes sonnets  Yep, the meter is pretty darn good this time; quite a change from the first attempt (I didn't comment on that one because I just came back today and found both at about the same time)I think you can help the reader by better use of punctuation. By reading very carefully or more than once, I can figure out how it should sound. But, by good use of punctuation, you could have done that work for me. Commas or other hints as to where pauses or hesitations are intended will help the flow. Well, I seem to be rambling here. I think you know what I mean though. Now, as Kris said, you have to work on the rhyme. There are generally two sonnet forms, the Italian and the English. The English style is often referred to as Shakespearean or Elizabethan. There are some variations on the English sonnet but these are generally even more restrictive. The Italian sonnet (which BTW came first) consists of an octet (8 lines), with a rhyme scheme of abba abba, followed by a sestet (6 lines) with various rhyme schemes, the most common of which are cdecde and cdccdc. The English sonnet consists of 3 quatrains (4 lines) followed by a couplet (2 lines). The rhyme scheme is abab cdcd efef gg. So there, in a nutshell, is the required rhyme scheme. The next topic for discussion is the turn. But we will save that for another thread. Pete Imagination is more important than knowledge Albert Einstein |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
~sigh~ ... i see you've now met the sonnetmaster himself libbi .. well if you want to write excellent sonnets on strictly traditional lines and keep to all the rules then listen to Pete and possibly Jim... .... BUT ... if you want to break the rules and still write good sonnets do what you were doing before !!!!!!  .... actually on second thoughts it's a good idea to KNOW the rules first before you break them ...lol i have to say despite the fact that this is nearer to being iambic and pentameter i preferred your first effort perhaps partly at least because of the unusual half-rhymes which have largely disappeared in this version ..... still, you are on your way to writing a traditional sonnet under pete's expert tutelage , nothing wrong with that as long as it doesn't lead to another epidemic!philip |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
Thank you all for replying, i am very determined to write a sonnet, and your advice is greatly needed (and appreciated). I think its the rhyming scheme that will confuse me....though we will soon find out. THanks again. -libbi- |
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