Withdrawal, inspired by Elyse's Poem.

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YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

0 posted 2000-09-18 10:43 AM

Withdrawal-
when done slowly, languidly,
to the percolated rhythms of pulverized
beans, can foster memorable scenes;
but if done in the same hurried pace
with which the entrance was made,
and somewhere above the din of moans
and groans a floor-board creaks or
a car door slams shut,
right at the moment when you were
both making your cut for the final rush;
then withdrawal is spilled on rugs,
hastily rubbed with furtive looks
at windows whose distances routinely unheeded,
are now calculated with the ruler slide
precision of a bullet well placed on the evening news..

Withdrawal-
it can deliver the shakes,
if orchestrated with deliberate
slowness then terminated
at the point of Houdini's gate,
under whose weight trembling needs
can give way to painful passion
rushing at the speed of molecules
on excite and vibrate,
a dance of delicate precision.

With-draw-all..

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-09-18 12:30 PM

YeshuJah:

I enjoyed this. The ease by which you use images evokes a little jealousy but I'll learn to live with it.

I thoroughly enjoyed the first stanza but found the syntax of the second stanza a little difficult to work through and, as a result, the meaning of the stanza is still a little unclear to me. I see (1) the allusion to withdrawal from drug dependency (ending, I think with "shakes", then (2) withdrawal as escape (gathered from "Houdini's gate"). I am unsure of who "whose weight" is referring to, however. Perhaps this is a sexual allusion?

Anyway, I enjoyed working through this one. Thanks for the read.

Jim

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

2 posted 2000-09-18 01:26 PM

Jim, thanks for reading. You jelous? NAH. Have to tell you: I enjoyed writing this one. It was triggered by Elyse's poem, and that one word -withdrawal- stayed in my mind until I put this down. About the second stanza, you're correct about the allusions(1) withdrawal from drug addiction, that's in there, (2) as in escape. All of that is there, but the whole second statza is sexual. 'whose weight' is deliberately mis-leading, the last word in that line should be knees, but I didn't want to give it away- frown, No?.. anyway, glad you liked it. Thanks.

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

3 posted 2000-09-18 03:01 PM

i feel honored to inspire you Yeshujah

and especailly when i like the poem so well. it has great dimension, and i love the playfulness of the words, the game, the tease whatever. smiles from me

luv Elyse

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

4 posted 2000-09-18 07:25 PM

Elyse, you know you can put it down like only few can. Glad you like, and yes your work is totally inspiring. keep it up and I will flourish off your creativity. Luv to you too.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

5 posted 2000-09-18 11:48 PM

Strong imagery and I like the ending. The only thing that bothered me was the use of internal rhyme -- I found it distracting and the wrong technique to go with the theme of your piece.

You know, Yeshujah, I see tremendous improvement in your work. I look forward to reading your stuff.

Brad

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

6 posted 2000-09-19 05:59 PM

Brad, thanks for the encouraging words. Sorry about the internal rhyme, just couldn't help myself there.
Thanks for reading and commenting.

Marq
Member

since 1999-10-18

Posts 222

7 posted 2000-09-19 08:03 PM

I find little to criticize here! Some interesting interpretations can be drawn from this and I think I like that the best. The line 'hastily rubbed with furtive looks' I liked and then some. However if at anytime in writing my own poetry I discovered I'd used the phrase 'with which' I would instantly excise it and re-write the idea in a way that it cold be conveyed without using that phrase. Nice poem!

Stephanos

Member Elite

since 2000-07-31

Posts 3618
Statesboro, GA, USA

8 posted 2000-09-19 10:43 PM

You indeed have an uncanny ability to make your poetics both flowing and jarring, beautiful and mundane, respectful and indignant, real and flambouyant.

Your voice is most unique.

Your gift is most unsettling.

(and I also envy a bit the nimble-footed style you have evinced)

YeshuJah Malikk
Member

since 2000-06-29

Posts 263

9 posted 2000-09-20 09:45 AM

Marq, thanks for reading.  I agree, the poem has meanings on more than one level.  That is deliberate.  I also agree with cutting out 'with which'- I'll work on re-wording that one.

Stephanos, thanks for your kind comments. Personally, though, I disdain the urge to pat myself on the back when I stumble upon a good trope.  What I aim to do is produce a body of work that has sustained excellence.  Trust me, I have written a bunch of strictly mundane, run of the mill poetry.  Ask a few of the folk here.
But I am momentarily flattered.  Thank you.

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