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Iron Maiden
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Iron Maiden |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Iron Maiden Written by Janie Mathis Gnashing iron fills the air Maiden steps the station’s stair Fearless knight walks up to speak Damsel, shy, with voice so meek “Go thee faster as the light,” Says the bold and faceless knight Scoffing, she, his senseless words Purpose, strong, ignores the birds With persistent clamor’s score Cupid’s joust brings forth amour Found among the clashing weight Strong, withstands their broken date Then to dine on love’s requite Heart’s ablaze that cease to fight Nine years since, still sing the birds Happy day, oh senseless words! |
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| © Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Janie, Is this you and your partner, or a fictional couple? If it is your 9th anniversary, I send you my blessings that the birds still sing! I liked the way that you wrote of the "clamor" that cupid eventually tamed. Thanks for an enjoyable read, Kris "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." ~ Albert Einstein |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
janie took me a couple of reads to figure out what was going on here, and even now I'm not sure i have the scene right! .. especially the references to "birds". Anyway never mind I'll give it a shot. This is all about a chance meeting at a rail station .. somehow the "gnashing iron" gave me the image of a station full of steam trains but i guess that's a bit far fetched...lol. So a guy simply approaches the damsel and sort of propositions her with a romantic line which doesn't make much sense either to her or indeed to me i might say! This maiden is however some sort of career girl - driven - a lady of iron not susceptible to the vagrancies of love ........ or so she thinks!!! Ignoring the "birds" (the songs of love twittering in her head) she shuns the gallant fellow and stands him up (misses a date), and generally scoffs at his approaches and argues... Nonetheless he persists she relents and gives into to her feelings, the iron melts, and nine years later the love is strong.............. am i near?...lol as for the poem itself i quite liked the mix of archaic with contemporary and the allusion to steel and metal (amour > armour ...was clever for instance), and the "fight" allusions were done well. I seem to remember there was in fact a locomotive called the Iron Maiden, or is it just a generic name? (oh yes, it is also a rock band ...no?!) Still not entirely sure whether the "birds" thing works well though, it seems out of place somehow - is this something that happened specific to the first meeting - pigeons circling or something? usually pigeons at stations y'know...lol one thing that grabbed me about this poem was the very strict meter and the trochaic stress pattern. It reads with precisely the same distinct regular beat of Longfellow's Hiawatha or indeed the regular rhythm and sound of a train passing over the jointed rails!!! also i happen to like rhyming couplets..lol.. well done philip PS i really loved your excellent critique on "Swan" btw |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Warmhart and Poertree, Thanks for stopping by. I love you fearless troopers who don't mind going out on a limb to figure out what the heck I'm talking about sometimes. To answer your questions: This is a true story of how me and my husband met. I guess it's a little too heavy into symbolism but here's the practical story: 10 yrs ago I was a member of Ballys/President's health club and religiously went there to work out 5 days per week. I'd always been wary of the reputation of health clubs as being a "meat market" so I purposely focused on the task at hand and left asap. One day, I was doing my 30 minutes on the stair stepper and this guy came up beside me and said, "Go faster, go faster"...I was like, "Oh no, here it goes." Come to find out, he was the assistant manager who cleverly noticed I carried my purse with me and told me I could put my purse in his office for safe keeping when I went to work out. (stupidly I did this only to find out after we were married he went thru my purse to "get to know me better." Any way, after about 6 wks of just talking at the club, he asked me out, but then stood me up! I forgot all about him (I didn't really think he was my type-funny how that worked out) any how, out of the blue on one Friday night it was one rare occasion I didn't have plans, he called and asked me to get a bite to eat with him after he got off work. I sh/have said no since he stood me up, but I wasn't doing anything but making a Christman ornament so I figured he at least owed me dinner, right? So anyway, Cupid's arrow struck sometime over chicken taco salad (me) and pasta (him...eight months later, we were married, though no kids until 3 yrs ago. So this is where the references to "iron", "metal", "station's stair" I wondered if the "birds" was too cliche and or/weak, but since birds singing are symbolic of the bliss of love and for lack of a better way to express this, here it is. Janie |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
See janie this is what comes of living in the Uk and in the past!  Steam engines and train stations ..lol.. geez, how could i have thought that! ..lol hey, anyway - which is more romantic, a meeting in a station or in a health club? I wish you hadn't told me ... glad to see i wasn't too far away on the rest of it, and unfortunately my fears about "birds" were correct - maybe as you say, just a little cliche ...no?anyway it was fun to try and figure this .. thanks P |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Janie, Sorry to be so late in responding. But I have the advantage of studying the reviews of those two brave reporters above. I enjoyed the read and your background description. But in a romantic sense, I think I also prefer Philip's interpretation. I mean trains and busy stations and traveling and parting and all that can certainly provide a romantic backdrop for a story. Thanks, Pete |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Uh, I like the explanation better than the poem. I got caught up in the archaic stuff and the inversions. Don't suppose you'd rewrite the story (which I liked) and give all those nice details in a poem? I think that would be fun. Brad |
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