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Slumber's Chamber
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Slumber's Chamber |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Slumber’s Chamber Written by Janie Mathis Midnight sighs alone Upon Dawn’s rolling chaise Sleeping, lays the sun Wrapped in onyx lace Sailing smooth, the moon Upon a spangled sea Slumber beckons soon Dreams are calling me |
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| © Copyright 2000 Janie - All Rights Reserved | |||
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
Hey there janie...by no means would I consider myself a critic per se...perhaps a second reader who lends some advice yes....so with that in mind let me just point out some (2) things lol.... Now I was thinking about the imagery that u have put forth and I think its wonderful ... now I was thinking that perhaps making onyx possessive would make it sound better..to me it does... Wrapped in onyx's lace Then I got a little philosophical and I was wondering when u said... Midnight sighs alone as i read the rest of the poem i was saying to myself gee, midnight doesn't seem so alone as the sun is being rolled away and the moon sails on a spangled sea (of stars i assume)...so perhaps maybe finding another word...or maybe that was ur intention..let me know  ....and then...the ending...you have so many good descriptive words going for you that i was wondering if perhaps 'calling' is too weak of a word for this piece...maybe heeding or some other synonym.im sure that u can find a better word...and other than that i think this is a really nice piece janie..i enjoyed this very much.... much respect to your poem < !signature--> "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt [This message has been edited by JnR4eva (edited 08-30-2000).] |
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
JnR4eva, Thanks for your input. Hmmm...I see where you're coming from on your suggestions. This is where I was coming from in writing what I did: -I see Midnight alone because the sun is asleep (not much company as such) -The moon is off doing its own thing, sort of removed from Midnight. (kind of like if you were on shore and your friend was in a boat) -I could make "onyx", "Onyx's" but I only meant the word to be a substitute for the word black. (I liked the idea of the midnight sky being a piece of black lace because normally we think of stars "in" the sky, but this image actually presents the sky first and only through the cut outs in the lace do we see the stars-at least that's how I envisioned it) -the word "calling"...perhaps you're right, seems so common amongst the rest of the imagery. How about "Dreams enticing me"? Janie |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
i knew you would be able to find a better word than i ..i think enticing is good and it gives this poem that umph to finish us off.... about onyx's lace....hmmm i might have my little preference b/c i was thinking of having blackness as its on entity and thus to say onyx's lace = blacknesses lace...which is the way im thinking but u know what..i think it would be better to have a third person come and put in their opinion ..even though i like ur idea very much... and about the midnight alone...i think u explained it well enough....i see where u are coming from much respect once again i really like this poem a lot "my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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