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Critical Analysis #1
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In Time (revised version)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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In Time (revised version) |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada 
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My world has become a place of tormented shadows, each a faded image haunting me, surrounded by pain, a fabricated prison of my own making, with no route of escape or promise of parole, a cell constructed solely for my own demise. My thoughts have become a place of mass confusion, each argumentative within themselves, I have lost the ability to reason or think, only unanswered questions, unlived dreams remain in what now holds the key to freedom. My heart has become an abyss, a void of nothingness, only fragmented pieces remain, each one reminding me of the pain and agony I endured aways alone, a heart taken but never returned, a heart, now lost in the cold of darkness, My tears are the only sign that remains, telling me I am still capable of feeling,of giving love, but how many tears of pain must fall, before these feelings of abondonment, emptiness finally cease to exist, cease to hold me in their grip. My soul is the source of my strength, my alter of truth, offering my world, my thoughts, my heart, a safe haven where they could rest and heal, to mend the wounds that have kept me crippled, with time, the tears and pain will be no more. < !signature--> debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 08-28-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Debbie McLellan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hi Mysticharm, I really enjoyed your poem, I read your first one and now this your revised , and I say that I really like this one better  I am not a good critic, but I can tell you what I liked I read every stanza but the last one smoothly. The first line of the last stanza made me stumble, I had to stop and start again. "My soul is the one constant I could trust, depend upon," maybe if you had it as...... "My soul is the one I constantly trust and depend upon" It is just a thought and my opinion, but it does not make me correct That is the only part of your poem that I stumbled at And in all it is a great poem and I loved it. Thanks Maree |
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JnR4eva Member
since 2000-08-07
Posts 377Bronx, NY |
yes i enjoy the way this reads hope to see it in the open forum..or dark passions..or where ever you may place it lolother than what the previous person has said, to me it reads well.. good luck with the poem."my love is my motivation my love is my inspiration perception of this poem is your interpretation" -- rlt |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I didn't read the first version but this is fabulous!! I truly enjoyed it. I found the last stanza to shine a little hope on the otherwise completely hopeless taste left in my mouth from the previous stanzas. I have to agree with the first line of the last stanza. I stumbled a little here too. "is the one I constantly trust and depend upon" does seem like a very fine alternative. Again, fabulous!! -jaimie Website: www.ladysixstring.com |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi eva ...thanks for pointing out what I wasn't seeing, I'm glad you like this version better, me too LOL Maree and Jaimie ...I stumbled over the first line in the last stanza myself lol...I hope the new line reads smoother. thanks guys...every opinion is appreciated and helpful debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi mystic, I'd like to say that this is only a critique of your poem and not an opinion of who you are as a person....I also might sound a little sarcastic or mean at times but honestly that isn't my intention. "My world has become a place of tormented shadows, each a faded image haunting me, surrounded by pain, a fabricated prison of my own making, with no route of escape or promise of parole, a cell constructed solely for my own demise." "Tormented shadows" is verrrry cliched...consider expanding on the haunting images by telling the reader what they are...same with the pain. The last two lines IMO come off as a little melodramatic. "My thoughts have become a place of mass confusion, each argumentative within themselves, I have lost the ability to reason or think, only unanswered questions, unlived dreams remain in what now holds the key to freedom." Like in the first stanza I'm left with many questions asking "why?"..why the confusion, why the internal aurguments, why the inability to normally function? You say unlived dreams...what are the dreams of that hold your key to freedom? "My heart has become an abyss, a void of nothingness, only fragmented pieces remain, each one reminding me of the pain and agony I endured aways alone, a heart taken but never returned, a heart, now lost in the cold of darkness," The abyss thing has been done tooooo many times over. A void of nothingness is a redundant statement...a void is nothingness....kinda like saying the apple is full of apple flavor....then you go one to say that fragmented pieces remain...so I'll ask, is your heart filled with nothingness or does pieces remain....can't be both can it? In the cold of darkness" comes off a little cliched as well. "My tears are the only sign that remains, telling me I am still capable of feeling,of giving love, but how many tears of pain must fall, before these feelings of abondonment, emptiness finally cease to exist, cease to hold me in their grip." I really liked the first three lines of this stanza. They show the irony of those tears by way of showing that the very feelings that held them back (love) are now the ones that cause them (love).However the last few lines seemed too weak and standard to go with the first three. "My soul is the source of my strength, my alter of truth, offering my world, my thoughts, my heart, a safe haven where they could rest and heal, to mend the wounds that have kept me crippled, with time, the tears and pain will be no more." Seemed to puffy of an ending and without more description it comes off as plain, at least in my opinion. The whole heart and tears and soul thing has been done more times then I'd care to read and without a breath of fresh air into such writings it will only seem like rehash. What is unique about your feelings? Whatever you answer that question with you should put it into this poem and flavor it more with yourself. Anyways, thanks for the read, take care, Trevor |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Trevor ...no you didn't come off as sarcastic at all and I do value everyone's opinion. ...I'm not so sure I can answer questions that I feel are already obvious but I will try ".consider expanding on the haunting images by telling the reader what they are...same with the pain. The last two lines IMO come off as a little melodramatic." ...expanding on the haunting images I think would be redundant or overkill, it's a broken heart not a horror show LOL although when its happening to you at the time it feels like one lol. ...the last two lines are meant to express what we all create when we hit rock bottom. We lock ourselves up, away from friends, family, anyplace public. "Like in the first stanza I'm left with many questions asking "why?"..why the confusion, why the internal aurguments, why the inability to normally function? You say unlived dreams...what are the dreams of that hold your key to freedom?" ...have you ever had a broken heart Trevor over someone you thought was your life, best friend, lover, only to find out the betrayal and you are asking yourself "What did I do wrong?" "Why did he/she treat me this way? "What happend to the dreams we shared?" "Why doesn't he/she love me anymore?" Your so torn up inside you have no ability to think normal let alone function normally. "A void of nothingness is a redundant statement...a void is nothingness....kinda like saying the apple is full of apple flavor....then you go one to say that fragmented pieces remain...so I'll ask, is your heart filled with nothingness or does pieces remain....can't be both can it?" ...if you take a glass jar and fill it with water, the water remains in the jar because the jar is intact, but shatter that jar, where do the contents go? You no longer have a jar with liquid, you just have a lot of broken pieces, so in essence that once full jar has now become a void of nothingness. "However the last few lines seemed too weak and standard to go with the first three." in reference to the 4th stanza. ...maybe I think in small terms lol, if you had an illness, which having a broken heart is not unlike, through all the sniffling, sneezing and coughing don't you sometimes just say "Lord when is the cold going to be gone." "How many more days is this going to last?" "Am I ever going to get better?" "What is unique about your feelings?" ...nothing Trevor, there is nothing unique about my feelings. I hope I didn't sound sarcastic in my explanations, I truly do value everyone's opinion and you asked some pretty tough questions, that's good, it makes me think thanks trevor for taking so much time on my poem, if you have any opinions on my answers to your questions I would genuinely love to hear them debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
debbie, I was reading through the comments and saw this explanation: ...if you take a glass jar and fill it with water, the water remains in the jar because the jar is intact, but shatter that jar, where do the contents go? You no longer have a jar with liquid, you just have a lot of broken pieces . . . . Why not write a poem with this as the central metaphor? I think William Carlos Williams or Sylvia Plath might be poetential models for this. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi debs. i see that you responded that ther is nothing spedcial about your expericene. while i dont beleive that necessarily to be true, if you want to adress the commonality of your feelings, i would do it head on, instead of relying on familiar images. the best images are often on the strange side, so see what you can do. also, for me, this was a bit far on the proasaic side. i would try either to pare down, or maybe give a sestina a whirl. then you could get away with the more sentence-y type lines. just an opinion  luv Elyse |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi mystic, "I'm not so sure I can answer questions that I feel are already obvious but I will try" I'm thinking this statement is a response to my questions regarding whys? The intent of me asking that was not because I didn't realize what the poem was about but rather it was more of a tactic to get you to think about expanding on things. "expanding on the haunting images I think would be redundant or overkill, it's a broken heart not a horror show" You've never been haunted by something beautiful? I know I have. Also it wouldn't be redundant if you'd eliminate the cliched and shallow use of "haunting images". Instead of saying haunting images perhaps paint a haunting image. Just saying haunting images is too vague in my opinion. Vague-ness does work in poetry just I didn't think it worked here. "the last two lines are meant to express what we all create when we hit rock bottom. We lock ourselves up, away from friends, family, anyplace public." I didn't have trouble understanding the last two lines, I just simply said I thought they were a little melodramatic. "have you ever had a broken heart Trevor over someone you thought was your life, best friend, lover, only to find out the betrayal and you are asking yourself "What did I do wrong?" "Why did he/she treat me this way? "What happend to the dreams we shared?" "Why doesn't he/she love me anymore?" Your so torn up inside you have no ability to think normal let alone function normally." Yes of course but what does this have to do with your poem. There is no need to try and justify what you wrote to me. I understood your poem just fine and the sentiments behind it, however, and speaking from once having such a fierce heartache, the poem did not stir these emotions to the top. "if you take a glass jar and fill it with water, the water remains in the jar because the jar is intact, but shatter that jar, where do the contents go? You no longer have a jar with liquid, you just have a lot of broken pieces, so in essence that once full jar has now become a void of nothingness." That made no sense. A void...meaning an area that holds absolutely nothing is in essence nothingness. SO saying a void of nothingness is like saying a nothingness of nothingness or a void of void. I don't understand how this isn't a redundant statement. "maybe I think in small terms lol, if you had an illness, which having a broken heart is not unlike, through all the sniffling, sneezing and coughing don't you sometimes just say "Lord when is the cold going to be gone." "How many more days is this going to last?" "Am I ever going to get better?" Yeah I know what you were saying, no problem there, however its my opinion that the lines were weak and didn't live up to the level of the previous lines in that stanza. ""What is unique about your feelings?" ...nothing Trevor, there is nothing unique about my feelings." Well then I must ask a cold sounding question....why are you bothering telling us what we already know and have already felt and have already read a thousand times over? Personally I believe your feelings are unique, though similar enough to relate to, but perhaps you are having trouble expressing your uniqueness on paper. "I hope I didn't sound sarcastic in my explanations, I truly do value everyone's opinion and you asked some pretty tough questions, that's good, it makes me think." Not so much sarcastic but more so condescending by explaining your poem to me .Thanks for your response, take care, Trevor |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi trevor "condescending by explaining your poem to me." ...I apologize trevor, I never meant to sound or be condescending, it truly is not in my nature to be, I in no way meant to offend you and truly feel bad that I have. thanks for taking the time to respond Trevor ====================================== hi elyse it's nice to hear from you, it's been awhile debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Debbie, no need for you to apoligize. It should be me who is apoligizing. I'm often guilty of ribbing someone too hard. When I said condescending I meant it in somewhat of a joking manner....I didn't really find your explaination of the poem condescending but I did however think you misinterpreted my critque as a sign of me not understanding your poem. Unfortunately one's version of humour isn't always funny Anyways I hope you accept my apoligies for accidently making you think I was peeved by your comments.Take care, Trevor |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi trevor apologies exchanged and accepted on both sides now ask me how I feel!R E L I E V E D  H A P P Y was it good for you  LOL LOLdebbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Hi Debbie. I hope nothing bad happens to me since I'm number 13. Liked "A heart taken and never returned." Always good to see you in print and nice read. forrest |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi forrest have missed you, as always love hearing from you as it so happens 13 is the lucky number of the day I read your poem soapstone but must confess I need to reread it again, didn't have much time your friend always debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Brad ...sorry for not responding quicker to your suggestion, reason being, I'm not sure how to go about it, I would like to give it a whirl if for nothing else but the practice. ...I'm not familiar with the names you gave, but I agree it would be a great help to read their work if I'm going to attempt this thanks for the suggestion debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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