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Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

0 posted 1999-07-12 02:36 PM

How do you tell a child
...He'll make it through the night,
In your arms you'll hold him
...'Cause love will make it right.

My Daddy said he loved me
...Then carried me to hell,
Now love's become the demon
...Fore'er inside will dwell.

Never had a childhood
...Within a shell I live,
E'er the boil will fester
...For ne'er I can forgive.

Should he go to prison
...To pay for what he's done?
Should I love my Daddy
...Am I my father's son?

What the hell is justice
...A legal term of art,
Misery and suffering
...Is all it does impart.

How do you tell a father
...That things will be all right,
Now that he's a Daddy
...Oh God, I hate the night.

[This message has been edited by Tim (edited 07-12-99).]

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

1 posted 1999-07-12 09:30 PM

I liked the way the words flowed, Tim, but a couple of times I had a tough time with the "voice". To me, it seemed to change back and forth and I wasn't clearly following it. Some of the lines are really excellent and effective for me, like "E'er the boil will fester/...For ne'er I can forgive" and "My Daddy said he loved me/...Then carried me to hell". I guess, what I missed was a smooth transition from being the father telling the child something important to being the child telling the father. Hope you were looking for this kind of input. The poem as a whole gave me a haunting feeling and a feeling of both love and anger....nice job.

fjones
Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 98
MS

2 posted 1999-07-12 09:59 PM

I interrupted the last line of the forth verse and the last verse to be implying that the son is now a father and is afraid of following in his daddy’s footsteps.
Am I right? It is not all together clear but I like poetry that makes you work for the meaning. I do like the poem. It is very moving and speaks of a sin that destroys more children than anyone can imagine.

Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

3 posted 1999-07-12 10:11 PM

As fjones indicated, the speaker is a father dealing with his son in the first verse, switching to his experiences with his father, and in the conclusion, reverting back to his son. And hopefully tried to leave some question of the tormoil the speaker was experiencing and if he too was as his father.

Daniel2
Junior Member

since 1999-07-13

Posts 28
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada

4 posted 1999-07-13 01:04 AM

Tim, this is a haunting piece that speaks from a troubled soul. How wonderful it is that we can take our trajedies and at least get a beautiful poem out of them. Keep going with this stuff. Find the resolution.

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

5 posted 1999-07-13 09:10 AM

All of the above critiques are well expressed. What reached out to me was the evil in the poem, and what fear the new father has in following in his father's shadow, especially over his young son. Very strong and compelling. What is missing are any vices [or lack thereof] that may force or repel the "new father" from harming "the new son." Very good.

------------------
Sunshine

Words will always express our feelings true.
KRJ

Balladeer

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-05

Posts 25505
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA

6 posted 1999-07-16 04:15 PM

I have always tried to stay away from serious critiquing because the writer has constructed a poem in an emotional state and the critiquer reads it with an analytic eye. I've always been afraid to give the impression that I am belittling the emotions of the writer by dissecting the poem. Since you have posted it here, Tim, for critical review, however, I would like to give it a try. Anything I point out is strictly on a nonpersonal, analytical level.
There are too many out of tune contractions. Their purpose is obvious - to control the flow of the poem. We all do it at times. A sentence has one or two syllables too many so we create contractions to bring the sentence in line. You use 'cause, fore'er,ne'er,e'er. That's a little too much poetic license. I call them out of tune because they don't even belong to the same time line. If you were writing a medieval or fantasy piece, they would be easier to justify. Sadly, we use them basically for one reason, and I am as guilty as anyone else. We don't want to waste the energy to figure out another way to do it right. It's a silver bullet.
Fore'er inside will dwell...must be "to dwell" otherwise, it becomes a non-sentence.
The first stanza is a question, yet there is no question mark as in the other questions. And, finally, the last stanza loses me completely.
How do you tell a father
That things will be alright
Now that he's a daddy

???? The father is now a daddy? I can get no other meaning out of those words.

This is why I almost never critique. I like the emotion of the poem and all the thoughts behind the poem and, by reading it with one eye, I would simply say "Great poem, Tim!" But my analytical side has a mind of its own and, well, you asked......

Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

7 posted 1999-07-16 05:19 PM

Finally... thank you....

Tim
Senior Member

since 1999-06-08

Posts 1794

8 posted 1999-09-14 03:13 PM

How do you tell a child
He'll make it through the night?
In your arms you'll hold him
'Cause love will make it right?

Daddy said he loved me,
Then carried me to hell,
Love's become my demon,
Inside will ever dwell.

Never had a childhood,
Within dark shell I live,
Hate will ever fester,
I never can forgive.

Should he go to prison
To pay for what he's done?
Should I love my Daddy,
Am I my father's son?

What the hell is justice?
A legal term of art.
Misery and suffering
Is all it does impart.

How do you tell a child
That things will be all right?
Now I lay me down to sleep,
Oh God, I hate the night.

Cleaning up loose ends.

Iloveit
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 1121
NM

9 posted 1999-09-14 05:17 PM

I love this side of poetry, you guys did an excellent job of critiquing with care, and Tim the finished product is great!

rachana.s
Member

since 1999-09-16

Posts 55
madras,tamil nadu,India

10 posted 1999-09-16 07:02 AM

brad,

there is no comment i want to make, except that I wish you had been my language professor.

way to go tim

rachi

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