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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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redshoes Junior Member
since 2000-05-22
Posts 12Massachusetts |
At the corner of Raglan Castle < !signature-->Looking over the world, she is silent, her friends run along stone walls behind her and roll down hills, and she is reflective- looking at an unknown landscape seeing her own mind hovering over this farmland in front of her with a castle behind her and the sun sends a breeze through the back of her hair. [This message has been edited by redshoes (edited 08-13-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Jaclyn C. Stevenson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Janie Member
since 2000-08-13
Posts 158 |
Hi, It sounds like you're trying to capture a special moment you had at this beautiful place! I mostly have suggestions on mechanics and one suggestion on an image your trying to convey. In my humble opinion, I think you should try to be more economical by cutting out unnecessary words. To me, seems liked you used the word "and" too much. Also, maybe I didn't understand your intended emphasis in using the two words "she is" instead of "she's". Sometimes "she is" makes a greater impact but in your piece I believe "she's" is better. Along the same lines, there's repetition in the use of the word "her." It's very clear the character is a women and removal of the word "her" in a few places doesn't damage any meaning. I also had difficulty picturing: "the sun sends a breeze..." Now, maybe you mean the sun, as a messenger to the wind, sends the breeze, but since this is not common, I personally needed a little more help knowing this. If the sun wasn't necessarily a messenger, then perhaps the same could be said by something like this: "as sun-kissed breezes, sift through her hair." or "the wind sends a breeze..." If I were an editor, this is how I might edit your piece: At the corner of Raglan Castle, overlooking the world, she's silent; her friends run along stone walls behind, roll down hills; she's reflective, not knowing the landscape, mind hovering over the farmland before and the castle behind as sun-kissed breezes, sift through her hair. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I thought Jamie made some nice suggestions but I would definitely keep some of those line breaks rather than shoot for a prose poem. My suggestion would be to expand on the 'mind' part a bit more. The speaker seas her 'mind' - okay, what is it doing? I think this might tantalize the reader a bit more. Just a suggestion, Brad |
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Seoulman Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41 |
Hey Redshoes it has been a long time! It's good to see u again, and I'm more happy because I too visited this place, in Wales right? so I can appreciate your poem, thanks for the memories. |
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ladysixstring Member
since 2000-07-27
Posts 374 |
I read this piece with a stop - go - stop - go rhythm that, to me, gave feeling to the beautiful scene you have captured here. "...roll down hills" pause "and she is" pause "reflective" pause "looking at an unknown landscape". It works for me!!! However, I do agree with the "and" in the last line but I can't think of a better option... "while" or "as" or just leaving it out all change the meaning (and feeling) of the last line - not worth it. It's absolutely beautiful as is. -jaimie http://www.ladysixstring.com P.S. It feels like Wales. I have not since seen nature's majestic beauty as intense since leaving. Thank you for bringing me back!! |
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redshoes Junior Member
since 2000-05-22
Posts 12Massachusetts |
Thanks for all the suggestions guys. I have to get away from my poem for a few days and come back to actually see things I want to change, but now that I'm back I agree with a lot that was suggested. Lady6, I think the 'and' is extraneous too, but I agree I don't know what the hell to do with it! Thanks for seeing my stop-go-stops...they were in fact intentional. It's a kick I've been on for a while. As for some of the quirky wording, I was trying to get away from bad cliches- they make me nauseous, frankly. Any more thoughts are welcome- I'm going to edit a bit. Ciao! |
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redshoes Junior Member
since 2000-05-22
Posts 12Massachusetts |
At the corner of Raglan Castle Looking over the world, she is silent her friends run along stone walls behind her and roll down hills, and she is reflective- looking at an unknown landscape her own mind hovering over this farmland (those fields seem to color her thoughts) With this castle behind her, the sun sends a breeze through the back of her hair. |
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