She Walked In The Door (from the workshop)

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Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

0 posted 2000-08-07 10:02 AM

She Walked In The Door

While driving through town, I was looking around, stopped in Charlie's to have a drink,
A neighborhood place where I saw on each face both sorrow and passion, I think;
When I stepped in I thought that maybe I ought to just look around the room
To see what was there, so I took the first chair for my eyes to adjust to the gloom;
Saw a guy at the bar with a long ugly scar from his chin right down to his chest,
And one at the end mourned the loss of a friend, or so it appeared at best;
A drunk at a table kept calling "Hey Mable, bring me another beer."
But the laughter about left little to doubt that amusement existed in here;
An interesting place and I saw on each face both pleasure and passion, I think.

A sign at the bar said "It's happy hour - You buy one you get one free"
And the barkeep was mixing but what he was fixing looked unfamiliar to me.
In a moment or so my eye caught a glow from a stage on the other side;
I got up to go see just what it might be, curiosity I couldn't hide;
And at the next table, the man seemed unable to hold his head up straight,
While the girl at his side just wanted to hide and get through this lousy date,
And that drunk at the table still yelling "Hey Mable, where in hell is my beer";
Then I stopped and I thought that maybe I ought to just get on out of here,
But the barkeep's still fixing that drink he was mixing, now looked pretty good to me.

They had a good band, back there on the stand, played my favorite, rhythm and blues,
So I found a close chair and sat down right there by the stage with a perfect view
Of the band as they played and the dancers who swayed to the rhythm and sensuous sound
Of the music they heard, and I spoke not a word but studied this place I had found -
A nice enough place yet the look on each face was puzzled and troubled, I think.
But it seemed like time now to figure out how to order myself a drink,
So I caught the eye of a waitress nearby, I recall her name was Annette,
And my order for booze, as I listened to blues, she came right over to get;
And I sat in my chair, right by the stage there, absorbed in that perfect view.

Then she walked in the door, never saw her before, but the prettiest I'll ever see,
And I thought I should ask, if my nerve I could mask, if she might have a dance with me;
Her lips were full red, like the hair on her head, which was long and curled with care,
Her body, just right, was a beautiful sight, and her legs were from here to there,
She wore a red dress, which I must confess, was as short as a man could desire,
So low cut at the top could have made my heart stop or at least set my thoughts on fire,
And it fit her so tight that at first glance it might have been just a crimson illusion
Yet that would improve, each time she would move, to further my lustful confusion;
Yes I wanted to ask, but was awed by the task, if she'd have just one dance with me.

Now listen my friends how the story ends, to my best recollection it's true -
I'd brave that big chance and ask her to dance, but first have a drink or two,
But that red dress she wore, as I said before, was so short and low cut and tight,
That I just couldn't wait, in spite of my state, that hunger I just couldn't fight;
So I got to my feet, could hear my heart beat, and spruced up the best that I could,
And I asked her if she might just dance with me. . . With a smile she said that she would.
Now I don't dance much but her skill was such that I just couldn't do any wrong
And we danced through the night, as I held her tight, till the band played their final song;
Then after the dance I took one more chance and ordered us drinks for two.

Well, we found a dark place where we sat face-to-face and continued our conversation,
And she'd touch my hand and you'd understand how that was a stunning sensation.
Then out of the blue she said "I'm Betty Sue. Now don't you remember my face?"
And I scratched my head and then finally said, "Oh, I do, from a previous place
And time I believe, if my thoughts don't deceive, it was high school, a long time ago."
But back then she was plump and a bit of a frump, so how could I ever know
That she'd look so great at this later date, this plain girl from out of my past,
Would turn out to be this temptress I see, with a beauty that can't be surpassed,
That the girl, I recall no temptation at all, would become such a stunning sensation.

As we sipped at our drinks, I started to think she just might enjoy consummation
Of friendship renewed, for she seemed in the mood, and that surely was my aspiration;
Then after a while she asked with a smile "Don't you think it's about time to leave?"
And it felt really good, made me think that she would, my good fortune was hard to believe.
"Since I'm just passing through there's not much to do but go back to your place", I said,
Then she smiled once again and said "Oh no, my friend, we'll do it this way, instead.
Remember in school how you treated me cruel and often had mean words to say?
Well, I'm going alone and you're on your own." And she turned and went on her way
With a wave of her hand, and I did understand, it was really a fair condemnation.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

1 posted 2000-08-07 08:40 PM

Pete:

Man! What a story! Anyone who reads this MUST read it out loud. By and large, Pete, I thought the story was great. But there is one thing you have to change ... YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET THE GIRL ... ARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! You deserve it after writing this piece of art.

There were a few places where the meter breaks up a little bit ... I had to force an anapest or an iambus here and there ... but, otherwise, the rhythm was very tight.

But the story was the clincher. Great use of description. I do think you need to expand a little bit on the read dress. And the legs too ... and the red hair ... and the red lips (were they pouty ... please do tell?).

Seriously, Pete, this is good work. The theme develops well (except for the conclusion ... you MUST get the girl), the rhyme is tight, and the meter is almost spotless. I don't think you could ask for much more. I would suggest that you read it aloud a few times to weed out the places where the meter trips a little (unless that Okey accent of yours makes it sound fine).

Great work, Pete. I enjoyed this lots.

Jim

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 2000-08-08 12:16 PM

Hi Pete!

This is a delightful, yet very substantial piece of work. It flowed so nicely, and the imagery was vivid. They could make a movie out of this story..lol.

I do agree with Mr. Bouder that you should've gotten the girl, though. You could have her come back in and ask you for another dance, and she tells you how she thought about it, and two wrongs don't add up to anything but wrong. Yeah, that's it...and then she could say how she knows people change, and you definitely had changed, and that was in the past should be left in the past. Then...SORRY!

I could go on and on. I love a good story like this!

Wonderful job, Pete,
Kris< !signature-->

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-08-2000).]

pegasus111
Member Elite

since 2000-07-27

Posts 2219
ocala, fl, usa

3 posted 2000-08-08 03:14 PM

Pete..this was great..and as with other great pieces, it doesn't have to have a happy ending.. this epic is fine just as it is(except for the rhythm here and there as previously stated)

the woods are lovely, dark, and deep, but I have promises to keep, and many miles to go before I sleep...Frost

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

4 posted 2000-08-08 04:36 PM

Thanks guys, you are all much too kind and generous

but that's ok

I can take it.

Jim I can't tell you how much I really wanted to "get the girl" but that just somehow seemed a trivial ending. But you are right, it was meant to be read aloud to get the full feel. Now about the expanding you suggested, I'm afraid there was not enough of the red dress to expand much more

and for the legs, well .. that really is Brad's domain, isn't it? But seriously, I think another stanza describing the girl, her appearance and demeanor might be appropriate. I just don't want to get the thing so long it can't be read at a single sitting

As for the rhythm, since this is pretty long and pretty heavily rhymed, I was reluctant to hold to a strict anapest throughout. In fact, I deliberately left it a little looser than I normally would have. I don't mean that I actually planned any specific variations but just that I left them in place if they didn't seem too awkward. Maybe that's not the right technique, I don't know. My problem now is that I have already read this thing so many times that it flows pretty smoothly for me every time. Maybe I should get my wife to read it to me instead of the other way around. That might help find the stumblers. OBTW, that's Okie not Okey and we don't usually think of it as an accent.

Kris, "They could make a movie out of this",

~~blushes unabashedly~~ If we can get funding, maybe we could make a movie. Shouldn't take too much though. Although it may be a little long for a poem, it's not long for a movie. BTW, are you a redhead? And would you be interested in playing the lead part? (Maybe we could even get ol' Jim to play the guy.) And, I think your version of the extended end sounds pretty good, especially if we make that movie

And don't worry, we can always make you a temporary redhead if necessary

Thanks, Pegasus, for accepting the more traditional tragic ending.

I know this is too long for slice and dice or cut and paste, but I do have a couple of unanswered questions, such as:

   1) Does the internal rhyme work or is it a little overbearing?
   2) What about the ninth line of each stanza as a sort of echo or refrain?
   3) How is the format, are the lines too long?
   4) Instead of heptameter, it could be put into a more traditional ballad format of alternating tetrameter and trimeter lines.

There probably is more but that's enough for now.

I will be eternally grateful for any more advice you lovely and learned critics might have to offer.

Thanks,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 08-08-2000).]

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

5 posted 2000-08-08 08:11 PM

Pete,

I couldn't play the part...I'm not a redhead, and I'm not the actress type. I couldn't be opposite ole youngster Jim either...there's a bit of a difference in our ages. I'm sure there's some beautiful, young red-headed lass in Passions that would jump at the part. It really should be a movie...though you'd have to write the rest of the scenes.

As far as your questions go, you know that I am far from a learned poetry critic. I will say that the internal rhyme adds to it, I think, and is NOT too much. The format's just fine the way it is...you don't need refrains...they might be too much. JMHO

This one's definitely a keeper,

as are all of your poems.
Kris

< !signature-->

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-09-2000).]

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

6 posted 2000-08-09 11:22 AM

Kris, sorry but I guess I didn't state one question clearly. It wasn't about adding a refrain but about the last line of each stanza. These are extra lines which more or less echo the second line of the same stanza. Also, most stanzas have one line which relates back to a line in a previous stanza. This was really the source of my question on repeating and echoing. Maybe they're not excessive if no one even noticed. But maybe that also means they weren't effective either.

And thanks for your comments, but I still bet you could play the part

Pete

BTW, am I the only one around here long enough of tooth

to catch the reference to Mable?

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

7 posted 2000-08-09 01:14 PM

Pete,

Yes, I did misunderstand, sorry. The re-pete

of the few words in the ninth line
of each stanza from the first line in each stanza are just right, not too much or too little...enough to tie the stanza up nicely, IMO, which isn't worth much.

Hey, Mable...Black Label...is that what you were referring to? Long of tooth??? Never heard that one before.

Kris

the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare

Alle'cram
Senior Member

since 2000-02-28

Posts 1816
Texas

8 posted 2000-08-09 10:45 PM

Hi, This is my third read for this one and I love it. LOL. I loved the story line. You made me laugh, all three times.

ps: also...told me..watch what I say to people, for if it's bad could come back years later to haunt me. (But, then again, you were ONLY passing through.)

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

9 posted 2000-08-10 04:09 AM

Well, I certainly enjoyed the read and got a little excited on the skirt part (I am so predictable sometimes it's scary). I thought the tone matched the story very well, but, but

I don't care if he got the girl or didn't.

I really think that could have been handled more subtly, or by adding a further element that would surprise me more - I thought the ending was too blatant and too didactic to be satisfying. Funny, I just said the same thing about another poem. Looks like I'm about to go on a tirade.

Just call me anti-didactic Brad!!

Not A Poet
Member Elite

since 1999-11-03

Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA

10 posted 2000-08-10 12:01 PM

Marcy,

Thanks for reading (3 times

yet) and commenting. I'm really glad you enjoyed. But don't take the lesson too seriously. I really didn't mean to preach (see answer to Brad below).

Kris,

Thanks again for your latest critique. I seem to recall that Long of tooth is an old Scotish phrase, but not sure about that. Anyway, means getting a little old

Brad,

Thanks for your comments. I see what you mean about the ending being a little abrupt. I think I just ran out of words about there. Throughout the whole last three stanzas I was trying to bring this thing to a conclusion, toying with two approaches, to get the girl or not. Each time I started a new stanza, thinking it would be the last, the introductory lines took up too much space, not allowing a conclusion, thus requiring another stanza, and on and on ...

And, I'm sorry if it seemed didactic. I really had no intention of preaching or teaching

just telling a story.

Jim,

Since we talked above, my wife has read it to me a few times and I to her. The result is at least a couple of places where there is some difficulty with the flow, mostly in the last stanza. I'll try to find fixes for those. Thanks for your input.

Thanks all,
Pete

[This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 08-10-2000).]

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