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Enlightened Love
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Enlightened Love |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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Lead me to the cleansing pools, high in the green hills, along the hidden path lined by whispering, morpheous creatures, and overgrown trumpet vine. Let me step into the tranquil, cooling waters, dip deep within the baths of ancient gods and goddesses. Lay with me upon the pools, till we part them with the faith of our love, strengthened by the herculean forces who acknowledge us. Feel us now joined, As the benediction heals The scars of our battles. See the dawn spread across the tantalizing horizon, setting the flora, the laurels, afire, Close your eyes now, love, and awaken, to enlightenment, to the one, the only true bliss. "It is wisdom to know others; It is enlightenment to know one's self" - Lao Tzu [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 08-21-2001).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I think there are some interesting images in this, but they get kind of lost in extraneous wording. 'Lead me to the cleansing pools, high in the green hills, along the hidden path lined by whispering, morpheous creatures,' This description kind of bored me, because it's a very typical representation of a holy place with a fantasy background. 'and overgrown trumpet vine.' This however, sounded pretty neat- I don't know if trumpet vine is the actual name of a plant, but I imagined it as a description of the vine and its convolutions, and it works well. 'Let me step into the tranquil, cooling waters,' I think this would be much more powerful if you dropped 'cooling waters'. 'dip deep within the baths of ancient gods and goddesses.' This also bored me- and besides, I don't see what deities ahve to do with the poem, other than being an obvious was to create an ethereal setting- but I think there's a difference between ethereal and abstract, and this is pretty abstract as well as overused. 'Lay with me upon the pools, till we part them with the faith' I think this is good, the biblical reference of parting the waters is nice and not too obvious, but I think faith is too obvious of a word- maybe you could use something else, or even just drop it and leave it at 'we part them'. 'of our love, strengthened by the herculean forces who acknowledge us.' Well, the idea here, I think is getting to be overkill- you basically seem to keep saying that love is stronger because this is a mystical place where ancient forces make everything okay.... it's a pretty overused idea, and I think you could do more to develop not only the development, but the them itself. On a side note, I did think it was interesting that you made the Herculena forces a "who" acknowledge us rather than a "that" acknowledge us- I would like to see more personification of these forces, not just mythological name dropping, but some kind of explanation. 'Feel us now joined, As the benediction heals The scars of our battles.' Cliche, but I like benediction in here... it definitely works with the style and content. 'See the dawn spread across the tantalizing horizon, setting the flora, the laurels, afire,' I see a paradox here that I'm not sure was intentional, but I find it interested- I usually associate sunsets with setting things afire (an overused term and idea) and dawn as turning things golden fresh- maybe it was indicative of a reversal of time, or just a simple difference in perception. Other than that, I'm not really sure why this ends with a comma? 'Close your eyes now, love, and awaken, to enlightenment, to the one, the only true bliss.' This was just weak... it's very abstract at this point, and the all-encompassing ending just makes me think, 'ahh, Kodak moment'... Judging by your other poems I've read, I think you are definitely talented enough to work from this, and take the ideas in new directions, or focus them better. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
This one reads as a solemn supplication of seduction... so I have to disagree with Hush's boredom with the description -- one must take the reader from their world into the world and setting of the poem -- a little tone setting is good. I did find some superfluous wording and you may consider the following slice warmhart ___________ Lead me to cleansing pools, high in hills green on hidden paths lined by whispering, morpheous creatures and overgrown trumpet vine. Let me step into tranquil, cooling waters, dip deep within the baths of ancient gods and goddesses. Lay with me upon the pools, till we part them with faith our love, strengthened by the herculean forces acknowledging us. Feel us now joined, As the benediction heals The scars of our battles. See the dawn spread across the tantalizing horizon, setting the flora, the laurels, afire, Close your eyes now, love, and awaken, to enlightenment, to the one, the only true bliss. been a while since I read you warmhart -- glad you're still around these parts  |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hush, In reading not only your replies to my poetry, but to others, I have found that you seem to have a bit of a myopic, tunnel-visioned approach in your critiques. There seems to be only a very small amount of poetry that you do enjoy, and I think you would benefit from expanding your poetic horizons. I also think that it is quite crude to tell one that their words bore you...I'm sure someone as intelligent as you would like us to presume you are could find a much more doplomatic way to say the same thing. This is not a professional setting...this is not a submission, and you are not an editor. This is a forum where we try to help. We critique, not criticize, each others' work. There is a fine line there, but I think if you look at the word "constructive" versus "destructive", maybe that will help you. Thank you for the kind words you did say...I do appreciate them, and the time that you do take to read and reply. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Rebel, Yep, I'm still here on occasion. Loved what you did with the poem...nice slice! I'm on the mailing list from your old site, so I get e-mail from you once in a while. I'd gotten the poem (The Kiss)last week, so I had a little preview. Bet you didn't even know I was on your mailing list. Take care... Kris  "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kris, Sorry to be slow in getting to this. I guess I've just been busier than I like lately. Don't even have time to write anymore myself. Like LR, I enjoyed the setting and the description. It was an etheral or almost mystical presentation. It may have been a little wordy at times but I really don't have a specific example. Well, you're much better at that sort of thing than I am anyway. Now to slice just a little, in the next to last stanza, you have: quote: I wonder why you speak of flora then single out laurels. Isn't that a specific flower or bush? Also the ending comma needs to be a period. Then the last stanza just seems a little weak or flat when judged against the rest of the poem. Maybe if you just dropped the last two lines? That seems to contradict what I just said about it being flat but somehow it seems stronger to me this way. quote: Overall, I'd have to say, a very enjoyable and nice piece from you, once again. JMHO Pete Never express yourself more clearly than you can think - Niels Bohr [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 08-23-2001).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear Pete, Hello! In this poem, I tried very hard to mix some mythical and religious concepts. Many of the mythical references are hidden within wording...laurels is one of them. The laurel tree was what the goddess Daphne was turned into; morpheoous refers to the god of dreams; herculean was quite obvious; flora is the goddess of flowers; and Tantalus was forever reaching for fruit and water. I wanted to try to include more religious tenets, and that's why the ending is as it is...Buddhism. I agree with you, though, that it is weak, and am working on it. I may add another stanza... Nice to hear from you...Thank you, sir, and take good care of yourself. Kris "It is wisdom to know others; |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks for the explanations, Kris. I guess I don't know anything about Buddhism and the laurel reference just skipped right over my head. Makes more sense to me now  Pete |
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