»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Conestoga (revised)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Conestoga (revised) |
|
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
|
Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills The ageless Conestoga slowly flows. The echo of Her children’s music trills Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills, Reminding all that superstition kills. Alone forevermore her journey goes Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills: The ageless Conestoga slowly flows. Two thousand years ago Her children came To make Her fertile banks their final home. They planted fields of maize and took Her name, Two thousand years ago her children came. For generations, life remained the same As former nomads lost their urge to roam. Two thousand years ago Her children came To make Her fertile banks their final home. When strangers came from far across the sea The peaceful river-life was soon to cease – They brought with them the God nailed to a tree, When strangers came from far across the sea, But when the elders chose to disagree They stoked the white-hot fires of “God’s” caprice. When strangers came from far across the sea The peaceful river-life was soon to cease. The Conestoga walk the path of shame And Justice shivers in the winter rain. Forgotten Ones cast out in Jesus’ name, The Conestoga walk the path of shame As country preachers touched by zeal proclaim, “No home for those who bear the mark of Cain!” The Conestoga walked the path of shame And Justice shivered in the winter rain. Her children lie upon the jailhouse floor Discarded, strewn like husks from ears of maize, Their songs are silenced, stilled forevermore, Her children lie upon the jailhouse floor. Their memory passes with the passing days And few recall the violent days before Her children lay upon the jailhouse floor, Discarded, strewn like husks from ears of maize. But still the Conestoga slowly flows Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills Alone forevermore Her journey goes But still the Conestoga slowly flows And sorrow for Her fallen children grows, Remembering how superstition kills: But still the Conestoga slowly flows Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 07-21-2000).] |
||
| © Copyright 2000 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey Jim, Don't have time to really study now but looks like you have produced a sort of "Epic Triolet" here. At first reading it seems very well constructed and interesting. Will get back later. Pete |
||
|
Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
lol jim ..you call this a "revision" ...!!!! outta time now .. maybe tomorrow p |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
This was stunning. First, I only knew the tribe as Susquehannock and did not realize they were also known as Conestoga. So, you broadened my knowledge. Next, you touched on the relationship of earth and people well and recaptured history. Finally, the context of the poem, well, I'm not a master, so I cannot say anything other than it pleased my ear. Well done, JB! Looking forward to more. Sunny ~~~Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow. Helen Keller ~~~ When you want to be loved, look within...KRJ |
||
|
deb Junior Member
since 2000-07-11
Posts 44Reading, Pa., USA |
much better  ) I enjoyed reading this piece of work. Good job.deb |
||
|
Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
thats the name of an indian tribe? i thought it was a river. the story was nicely told, especially in this form.  i always pronounced it CAP rice , to rhyme with sis. so that threw me off. just so ya know. also, i have questions...what is the mark of Cain, and to what are you referring with the jailhouse floor thing. i always thought they just shoved them onto reservations. luv, the ever uninformed Elyse |
||
|
Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Jim, I get tired just thinking of you writing this! Some of the rhymes sound more natural to me than others, but with such a difficult rhyme scheme I think this is inevietable. Overall though I'm impressed, I think it must be difficult to keep up such a stringent form for a long poem. As for 'content' I think it is clear and eloquent enough - the timeless river contrasted with the more recent oppression. Tragically, you could pretty much substitute the fate of the Australian aborigines or that of many other native inhabitants for the tribe you describe here. -Tim |
||
|
Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
OK Jim, I said I'd be back and here I am. I've read this several times now and get a little more with each reading. As I said before, I had a pretty good idea of where you were going. I think I did, but only in a general sense. It seems that my knowledge of history is somewhat lacking. I was not aware of the river or the tribe (I assume you have written historically accurate). So as a fringe benefit, I got a history lesson also. To my thinking, it should be difficult to write a serious poem in this format. I suppose "The End" was somewhat on the serious side but you have really stretched the envelope with this one. The next difficulty, again to my thinking, would be to minimize the effect of the constant repetition. Again, I can't fault you on this in any way. I think you have done an excellent job. The only technical fault I can find is in the 5th stanza, you reversed the rhyme scheme of lines 5 and 6. There are a few places where I would have punctuated differently, but I can't say that you are wrong or that my choices would be any better. Very well done, my friend. Pete |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Everyone: Thanks for your replies. Philip: Perhaps I should have called this a "revision/elongation"? Sunshine: The Conestoga were technically a branch of the Susquehannock and were members of the Iriquois Nation (amazingly interesting stuff). Elyse: The Conestoga Indians lived in the vicinity of the Conestoga River in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, and were massacred by the "Paxton Boys" in 1763. The Quaker controlled Pennsylvania Government tried to protect the last of the Conestoga Indians by hiding them in a fortified jailhouse but the guards of the jailhouse were outnumbered by the Paxtons. The last 20 Conestoga Indians (men, women and children) were slaughtered on that day. The "Mark of Cain" is, indirectly, a biblical reference and, directly, a reference to popular propaganda circulating during that time period attempting to link the American Indian people with the descendants of the biblical Cain (the murderer of Abel). According to the story, Cain and his descendants were punished by God to live nomadic lives and God "marked" Cain in some way as a sign of His judgement. The Conestogas were peaceful people and, to my knowledge, the "Paxton Boys" were never brought to justice. No "Little Big Horn" as paybacks for this "Wounded Knee". Tim: Thanks for the comments. Like Brad, I have considerable difficulty writing in this format but I welcome the challenge. I will continue working on this poem (since I am still somewhat interested in the subject matter) and will see what I can do to smooth out some of the rough spots. Pete: Thanks for the reply. I completely missed the rhyme scheme thing in the fifth stanza (good catch). I'll see if I can fix it. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 07-21-2000).] |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hi Jim, I'm gonna have to do a mini-series type of critique cause my mind was melted behind the oven at work and my back feels like someone's been'a voodoo'n it with a sewing quill "Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills The ageless Conestoga slowly flows. The echo of Her children’s music trills Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills, Reminding all that superstition kills. Alone forevermore her journey goes Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills: The ageless Conestoga slowly flows." Well I guess everyone is on some "eau de Triolet" kick....The repetition comes out clean in this one and you picked some good wording, especially thought "Through verdant valleys framed by rolling hills" was excellent. Now I thought the reps became a little too tedious by mid poem but I'll cover that in chapter three. "Two thousand years ago Her children came To make Her fertile banks their final home. They planted fields of maize and took Her name, Two thousand years ago her children came. For generations, life remained the same As former nomads lost their urge to roam. Two thousand years ago Her children came To make Her fertile banks their final home." The reps became really noticeable in this stanza and kinda distracting. "When strangers came from far across the sea The peaceful river-life was soon to cease – They brought with them the God nailed to a tree, When strangers came from far across the sea, But when the elders chose to disagree They stoked the white-hot fires of “God’s” caprice. When strangers came from far across the sea The peaceful river-life was soon to cease." Again the reps seemed to stick out too much. "The Conestoga walk the path of shame And Justice shivers in the winter rain. Forgotten Ones cast out in Jesus’ name, The Conestoga walk the path of shame As country preachers touched by zeal proclaim, “No home for those who bear the mark of Cain!” The Conestoga walked the path of shame And Justice shivered in the winter rain." Now whatever you did in the first stanza to smooth out the reps you also captured here. A strong stanza that repetition seemed to lend to. Anyways, I apoligize for not being able to finsih my critique but I have a realllllly long day at work tomorrow so I needddds to gets my beauty sleep....and trust me, I need a lot of that to be anywhere close to purttty Trevor |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
