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Sleeper Car
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Sleeper Car |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
We rode an Eastern train of green Past endless newborn garden sights The steady drum and thump of steel Over rivers vast with crests of white Slapping rocks and sand a postcard scene Inside a room of cellular size Are beds as any prison's seen Yet captive is just what I feel To eyes and lips of Moscow's prize And as the white moon rises high Ringed with a cool glow at amor's behest Inside all is filled with tropic heat My kisses on a heaving breast Our moon shining on naked thighs And with the drum of steel on steel Passions taste is minty sweet The joy of our desire a living layered cake That gently rocks to clinking wheels While the moon shines on and passion's slaked. Cap. Carg. |
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| © Copyright 2000 captaincargo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Craig Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 444 |
Hello Capt. I enjoyed reading your poem but was distracted by something that I couldn’t at first put my finger on, then I noticed the rhyme scheme in the first and third verses is different from the second and last. The second is obviously because of the reduction from five to four lines but the fourth change is a little harder to spot. I also noticed a partial rhyme scheme (broken by the changes mentioned) in the centre lines of each verse, steel/feel heat/sweet that suggests originally this poem started out as a more structured form. Did it? I’m curious to know either way but especially if it was and why you abandoned it. In the line ‘yet captive is just what I feel’ would you consider changing ‘yet’ to ‘and’, my reasoning is that you describe the room as prison like but infer that despite this you feel like a prisoner. A little like ‘ I sit in water yet feel wet’ as opposed to ‘ I sit in water and feel wet’, the ‘and’ would tie the room and your feelings together. Just my opinions and observations, please feel free to ignore them at your discretion. Craig Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool: But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet. |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Craig, you're right. I don't know how I missed that. It should be and instead of yet. As far as the rhyme scheme goes I had a lot of trouble with this poem. Everytime I thought I had it right I would notice some little thing and that fixed it would alter something else. I almost abandoned it altogether but decided to throw it in CA and get some help from my pals. Thanks for the advice. Cap. Cap. Carg. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Cap, Hope you can stay a little longer than just one poem. I've only got time for a few thoughts so here they are: We rode an Eastern train of green Past endless newborn garden sights --nice beginning but I think a little more detail would help. The steady drum and thump of steel Over rivers vast with crests of white Slapping rocks and sand a postcard scene --the last line doesn't seem to work and worry about your use of inversion here 'rivers vast'. Inside a room of cellular size Are beds as any prison's seen Yet captive is just what I feel To eyes and lips of Moscow's prize --I like the end line here but I wonder if you could drop prison but leave cellular. Have you actually taken this trip? I've never done it but I've got friends who say that it is just hell, hell, hell. And as the white moon rises high Ringed with a cool glow at amor's behest --amor? What's the Russian word for love? Or how about the Chinese 'ai'? Inside all is filled with tropic heat --this is great contrast between an inside of the transSiberian railroad and the outside. I think you might want to make that contrast a bit clearer. My kisses on a heaving breast Our moon shining on naked thighs And with the drum of steel on steel Passions taste is minty sweet The joy of our desire a living layered cake That gently rocks to clinking wheels While the moon shines on and passion's slaked. --Unfortunately, I think this dissolve into your own passion. Make me feel passionate at this moment, I don't care what you feel - selfish person, aren't I?   I think it would help if you expanded this and showed us the situation more clearly - I particularly want a description of the woman and, of course, her legs. I do think, though, that this really has some potential. Just an opinion, Brad |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
capt. i am glad to see you post again. this is such a sensuous poem. i really like the cool feeling of a green and blue night, with a cold white moon. but the heat coming from inside the sleeper car. whoo. i HOPE that this is based on a personal experience And as the white moon rises high Ringed with a cool glow at amor's behest Inside all is filled with tropic heat My kisses on a heaving breast Our moon shining on naked thighs i think there must be some way to avoid the use of the word moon twice. thighs for me is not the sexist words either. the our moon part, i don't understand. is there a special meaning to this night, this sleeper car? i'm going to be honest though and tell you that other than that, i love this poem. just the type of thing that i wanted to read tonight, thanks |
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