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What Do You Fear?
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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What Do You Fear? |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada 
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(I tried doing this by the meter but I still don't think I have quite got the hang of it!) What Do You Fear? Do you harbor thoughts of violence...? Dark shadows hidden deep within your mind... Scrambled images that scare you silent... Awake screaming from nightmares of horrid crimes... Are you repulsed by your own reflection...? Do you see staring back what you fear most...? The embedded seeds of untethered aggression... Each unsuccumbed deed a haunting ghost... Do you embrace the rage thundering deep...? Your heart racing with each torrent detail... Terrified of when you and your incubus collide... Not knowing if you will win or will it prevail... debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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| © Copyright 2000 Debbie McLellan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Debbie Nice idea behind this poem and no i don’t think there is a particularly regular meter but I’m not sure that that matters especially in a poem with this theme ... it perhaps needs to be a little jagged at the edges!? Nevertheless as you asked the first line starts off quite regularly: DO you HAR bour THOUGHTS of VI lence no doubt you over the pond will pronounce violence VI-O-LENCE which will muck up my neat scheme ..lol however the next line starts with two stress syllables DARK SHA dows and from there on in the rhythm breaks up somewhat ... but as i say ....not necessarily to the detriment of the poem .. Anyway you did ask ... LOL.... elyse and jim will explain better i have to go to bed now ...  oh but before i go ... Did you mean “torrid” instead of “torrent” ? I wasn’t quite sure what you were getting at with “unsuccumbed deed” and in the last line i wondered if it would read better as: “Not knowing if you will win or it will prevail..”. What a nice poem to go to bed with ....  night night ... and well done philip PS for a second language your english is amazing!!! [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-11-2000).] |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
look how philip stole all of what i wanted to say! and i agree, it is amazing your ability to write poems in a foriegn language. i try to do it in spanish, but its never pretty  on meter: to make a beginning, just see if you can make the same number of syllables per line. the stressing part will come after that. for instance, the number of syllables in your lines is 9 (or 8 if you speak with an English accent )10 10 11 10 10 12 9 10 10 13 12 so you see the discrepency. looks like 10 is the number of most of your lines, if you could make each 10, or alternate the numbers of syllables in a regular pattern, i think it will be much easier for you to hear where the stresses fall and make it match. hope i help, luv Elyse |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Elyse is absolutely right Debbie .. also it may help to read a poem from the "master of sound" (IMHO) Dylan Thomas ... as it happens the one i've chosen has ten syllable lines as well and the meter is iambic so in fact we have a poem here written largely in iambic pentameter .. or as i prefer to say in five duplet rhythm ... What the word "duplet" doesnt tell you is the stress pattern in each duplet so for instance lets take the first line: "When, Like A Running Grave time tracks you down" the line is made up of 5 sections each of two syllables: when/like a/run ning/grave time/tracks you/down first of all if you read the line aloud (yes i MEAN do it debbie)..maybe you should wait till you're alone tho .. reading a line like that aloud might get you locked up in some unenlightened places!! when you read it read each pair of two words together but leave a little pause between each pair .. now then when you've done that a couple of times you should have the idea of duplets or pairs of words firmly in mind ... next we come to the "iambic" part... iambic tells us that each pair of words has a particular stress pattern .. it means that the first syllable in each pair is unstressed or soft and the second is stressed or "louder" ..lol something like: da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM say that out loud now ... da DUM and hear the way in which you place empahsis on the DUM .... ... next apply that to the line we looked at ... so read it : "when LIKE a RUNN ing GRAVE time TRACKS you DOWN" you should easily be able to replicate the da DUM emphasis using the words Dylan T has used... now keep on reading in that singsong voice and read the whole poem aloud like that (some variations in the last lines of some stanzas) When, like a running grave, time tracks you down, Your calm and cuddled is a scythe of hairs, Love in her gear is slowly through the house, Up naked stairs, a turtle in a hearse, Hauled to the dome, Comes, like a scissors stalking, tailor age, Deliver me who, timid in my tribe, Of love am barer than Cadaver's trap Robbed of the foxy tongue, his footed tape Of the bone inch, Deliver me, my masters, head and heart, Heart of Cadaver's candle waxes thin, When blood, spade-handed, and the logic time Drive children up like bruises to the thumb, From maid and head, For, sunday faced, with dusters in my glove, Chaste and the chaser, man with the cockshut eye, I, that time" sjacket or the coat of ice May fail to fasten with virgin oil In the straight grave, Stride through Cadaver's country in my force, My pickbrain masters morsing on the stone Despair of blood, faith in the maiden's slime, Halt among eunuchs, and the nitric stain On fork and face. Time is a foolish fancy, time and fool. No, no, you lover skull, descending hammer Descends, my masters, on the entered honour. You hero skull. Cadaver in the hanger Tells the stick, 'fail' . Joy is no knocking nation, sir and madam, The cancer's fusion, or the summer feather Lit on the cuddled tree, the cross of fever, Nor city tar and subway bored to foster man through macadam. I damp the waxlights in your tower dome. Joy is the knock of dust. Cadaver's shoot Of bud of Adam through his boxy shift, Love's twilit nation and the skull of state, Sir, is your doom. Everything ends, the tower ending and, (Have with the house of wind), the leaning scene, Ball of the foot depending from the sun, (Give, summer, over), the cemented skin, The actions' end. All, men my madmen, the unwholesome sind With whistler’s cough contages, time on track Shapes in a cinder death; love his trick, Happy Cadaver’s hunger as you take The kissproof world. end. Ok by now you should have iambic pentameter burnt into your brain ...lol ... and as you'll see some spoken english words are naturally easy to stress and others aren't ... to write in meter you have to be able to instinctively "hear" those words and distinguish them from the point of view of stress... now maybe go and do it y'self....lol philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-12-2000).] |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
What I fear is that you have looked into the hearts of more people than would care to admit so. This includes myself. I long ago ceased from my former impulse to judge those in our society who commit heinous crimes. For I perceive that if I were exposed to the circumstances which brought them to their present state, I may very well act the same. I know I could. I know that it is within me, and I pray God that I never am put to the test. This is a good piece. I'll leave the mechanical breakdown to the more competent folk on the board. Thanks for sharing this. YeshuJah*) |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Well, Debbie, I thought I would try to add a little on meter but it looks like Elyse and Philip have given you about all a person can absorb in one sitting  and it all sounds like good advice to me. So, no need for me to try to add anything now  Darn.Seriously though, I'm not sure a poem of this nature really needs meter all that much. But since you specifically mentioned meter as a starting point, I believe that if you study their ideas and press forward from there, you can't go wrong. Best of luck and good writing. Pete |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi guys...lots of info to study and that means back to the drawing table LOL. ...I think a big part of my problem is I put my emphasis on the wrong part of the word so what sounds stressed to me actually isn't, is there a book that can help break words down into syllables until I become more use to the sounds. Hi Philip Your right, Fifeshire is a fishing village on the shores of Scotland (a minor detail someone left out lol) ..."torrid or torrent", I will have to look that up, I was trying to find a word that would mean "a storm of jumbled impressions all coming to together in really, really horrible detail. ..."unsuccumbed deed", what I hoped I was saying  , hoped being the operative word here, the person has dark impulses they're fighting inside and each image or thought of violence they haven't acted on would be an unsuccumbed deed, (or I didn't understand the meaning of unsuccumbed properly)You didn't have bad dreams I hope I love that poem, I've reread it 3X. Hello Elyse ...don't be to impressed with my use of the english language LOL, it's many, many, many etc. hours with webster and roger and if that doesn't work I ask one of my kids ...I can see the discrepency now LOL, I'll give you an example of what I mean by sound in french - la maison (mai-ZON) in english- the house (HOW-se) in french we put the emphasis on the strongest part of the word with the strongest letter, the "s" sounding like a "z" in english I tend to do the same "e" with the "w" so I can better sound it out, I don't think this method is helping me LOL I've written down the count for each line and I'm going to see, attempt would be a better word lol, I have a question though, do you pick the words you use by the count of your line or do you make the count work by the words you use? I hope that question makes sense Hi YeshuJah I think everyone has a dark side, some people just haven't been able to control theirs or the ones that do have not been truly tested either way it's a scarey thought isn't it! ...I know I have never been really tested but if I ask myself if someone was ever to hurt one of my children, the devil himself better move out of my way and I'm sure I'm not the only parent who would react this way, it's the thought that I could inflict violence on another given the right motivation and I would do it without hesitation, that scares me. Thanks for your viewpoint YeshuJah Hi Pete It is a good starting point, CA is a good starting point, I've learned a lot since I came here and I think I'll be learning for a very long time LOL.My daughter gave me a really nice quote this morning, need to share it "There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it." thanks all debbie debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I thought Fifeshire was a whole COUNTY in Scotland .. not a fiddling village ... i think you need to check that out ...lolnow then .. don't pretend to ignore my detailed instructions on iambic pentameter .. read the poem ..lol.... and by tomorrow morning Elyse and I expect to see, posted dans le forum a perfectly constructed iambic pentameter stanza a la mysticharm ... oh and in case you didn't guess my other job is a Regimental Sergeant Major and Elyse?? well ..ahem ... Miss Whiplash of course ...heh heh philip |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
philip! i thought we already had this discussion about keeping my life at Jimbo's House of Hooters a secret!!!! shhhhh! Debbie, you are too cute. um, house actually only has one syllable. but i hear what you're saying. its really impossible to know without practice because English is a perfectly retarded language with no real rules for pronunciation or emfasis. in spanish, its so simple, because the rules of emfasis only change with the accent mark (and we only have one ) and pronunciation is ALWAYS the same. i wish i could give you a way to know the stresses, but short of looking it up in the dictionary (they have the little syllable break downs in parenthesees) i dont know. and you dont wanna do that, it would take you a lifetime to write anything! sorry sugar!  luv Elyse |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi Philip "I thought Fifeshire was a whole COUNTY in Scotland .. not a fiddling village... i think you need to check that out ...lol" ...I got my aunt to send me a map since she was born in Fifeshire, she now lives in Aberdeen, if you check the map, she has put a red square around FIFE, the name Fifeshire now is called but their livelihood at one time depended very much on the fishing industry...as in eating LOLhttp://www.geocities.com/Paris/Louvre/2104/cartoons/scotmap.jpg ...I think you need to check it out...LOL ...I'm would never ignore your detailed instructions, all I said was I read it 3X but it will most likely take me going through it quite a few more times to get the rhythm in my head LOL ...an RSM heh, well I know what that is(it's ok, you can act surprised LOL) ...a la mysticharm could be a little difficult lol, I'm still working on just a la mode ...it's always a pleasure hearing from you Philip, luv your input, geez now I sound like "short circuit - johnny 5" merci philip debbie |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
howdy elyse ...Jimbo's House of Hooters heh? LOL Am I to assume you got called Miss Whiplash cuz you caused so many how's the insurance rate? LOL...sorry couldn't resist ...we have our little accents as well, accentegue ` accentegrafe ' chapeau ^ (my version of what it's called lol) ...english is difficult when it comes to something like writing poems but it does come in handy don't you think! LOL I'm going to give it another shot and see if I can follow the beat a la mysticharm merci elyse debbie |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Scotland .. Fife ..etc etc so you see ..I was RIGHT !! it's a county oh and btw my mother in law lives in Aberdeen ..I go there once in a while ..........(unfortunately!!) ...lol the granite city its called .... becoz of the building materials ....not the mother in law !!p |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
I like the concept of this poem. To face your inner Demon is a difficult task. It doesn't want you to know it is there. Facing the evil self is hard. Some people are so evil they have to face their good self. Right now my evil self says go get coffee. He won and off I go. James |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Enjoyed the idea and concepts behind your write. I think the violence that happens in, around or within destroys the innocence within us. I wish it were not so, but at times we are not given choices, we fight to survive. Very good. forrest |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
Hi James & Forrest ...I know how tempting that craving of caffeine can be, especially in the mornings ...if I see anything in the mirror besides myself the "d"evil better pray I've had my coffee LOL Bonjour Philip ...ALRIGHT Philip...we're BOTH right except when your wrong LOL debbie |
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