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Critical Analysis #1
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roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us

0 posted 2000-07-11 11:12 AM


gently
his fingers curled around the air
trying to grasp something of the moment
as i told him it didn't matter what happened
that i'd waited for him, for this.
while it was quiet and still
the sunday morning hangovers we're still toting around
were dismissed for a touch and...

sweetly
i watched him with stalking eyes
evaluated each time his virgin hands trembled
before touching anything he had not before
and i knew that i had captured him.
he pulled me closer to him
whispering promises, cliche though they were, he had said
i wouldn't be hit again...

then when i left i waited
for those sacred things to dissolve or appear
those promises he made in the shade of his innocence
as it surged into my skin.
yet time turned the facade into reality
and all the covenants shrunk away
and i knew i didn't really deflower him,
but he had raped the very heart of me.


© Copyright 2000 roxane - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2000-07-11 11:18 AM


Hey Roxane,

I just saw you posted a new poem. It's great to hear from you again, been much too long. I gotta run to do some actual work right now and don't want to short change your work. So, I won't try to make useful comments at this time but I promise to be back later.

Again, it's just great to see you back  
Pete

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
2 posted 2000-07-11 01:30 PM


Bother i wanted to be first to say "welcome back" but i had to go home to do a bit of gardening and by the time i got back you'd posted and that splendid poet "not a poet" had nipped in there ...lol  ... anyway i can still say "Hi" and its great to see you back Rox ...

and yes i see you haven't changed - still some nice cheery subject matter .. but wait, what was that you were saying about not having written anything good?! ... this is really excellent, how do you come up with this imagery:

"his fingers curled around the air
trying to grasp something of the moment"

funnily enough Ruth (Anonnymouse (sp?)) posted something about grasping air or particles in her recent poem...

"i watched him with stalking eyes"

"those promises he made in the shade of his innocence
as it surged into my skin"

the other thing that hasn't changed with your poems is that i can never think of anything to suggest to improve them!

well done Rox .. and as i say really great to have you back!             

Philip


Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
3 posted 2000-07-11 03:11 PM


hi roxane!  wow, this was really lovely.  everyone is saying welcome back, but i havent met you yet...please dont think im some nympho-lunatic just because i started the wave of suggestive poetry being posted on this site    although, philip definitely says Kris started it all so i cant be blamed...listen to me, lets talk about your poem.

you've got a change in tense in the first stanza second to last line.  you're working in the past all the other lines, and you have present tense in that one.  i would switch for continuity's sake.

hmm, oh the promises, um, forgive me if im being naive but, promising not to hit you anymore is cliche?  in this situation?  maybe thats the point.  i dont know.  also, its perhaps a touch confusing the way its worded now, it takes you sorta off guard, and i think to say "he wouldnt hit me again"  is more stark and raw than "i wouldnt be hit again"  which is more passive and quiet.  it seems to me the rawer, blunter one would match better with the brutality of the abuse.  just one opinion though.  (im making this up as i go y'see.  doh!  i shouldnt tell you that  )

i like the one word at the begining of the first 2 stanzas, its like a mini title to a mini poem.  i would do the same with the third so you have gently, sweetly, and then. i think that would be neat.  ok, reckon im done  
luv Elyse  

Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
4 posted 2000-07-11 04:22 PM


Well, I finally have a couple of minutes between projects to talk about your latest poem. Wow, this one is really steamy ~wipes a little sweat from slightly receeding hairline~ and I love it. I think Philip has already said most of what I would. I also find it difficult to suggest changes to your poetry. In this case though, I found the last line of the second stanza to be a little jarring. Somehow, it just doesn't seem to fit the mood of the rest of the piece. I don't think I can explain why in a public forum like this. So I hope you understand    Of course, this is just my opinion, for what it's worth. As I said, I really enjoyed the poem either way but would prefer some softer wording of that one line.

Thanks and again, it really is good to have you back.

Pete

mysticharm
Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189
Canada
5 posted 2000-07-11 05:05 PM


hi roxane

this is my first introduction to you so I have to say hello instead of wb...I wear the dunce hat in CA most of the time...gosh I miss school LOL

"whispering promises, cliche though they were, he had said
i wouldn't be hit again..."

...I could be wrong but the words "he had said" mean to me your saying what he said, wouldn't,

"you'll never be hit again" fit better or
"I'll never hurt you again"

...I disagree with you here Elyse, when a man is making promises of not hitting you again he will do it very passively, they want you to believe they are sincere and certainly don't want any visions of the last episode to creep in while making this promise, they are very careful not to be blunt at this point...my opinion of course  

...PSST!! Elyse is not a nympho-lunatic, she just really enjoys peaches and cream LOL

I liked your poem very much...to say I enjoyed it would be as sadistic as the man who does this sort of thing...I think you know what I mean.

debbie




debbie

Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue.
Love is a gift, not an obligation.
unknown


Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

6 posted 2000-07-12 09:33 AM


Wow Roxane, love this piece, very deep and very dark...especially loved the lines ...

his fingers curled around the air

and

i watched him with stalking eyes

wow great lines!! Excellent work  


YeshuJah Malikk
Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263

7 posted 2000-07-12 11:13 AM


This is what I want to do when writing; draw the reader into the moment of the piece.  You have done that here in a splendid way. Hats off.  I, as usual, will leave the mechanical breakdown to the more competent persons on the board.  I simply write and read for meaning and conveyance of thought.  Good work.

YeshuJah*)

roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
8 posted 2000-07-12 11:47 AM


i justed wanted to thank you all for the welcome (back) and to answer a few of your questions by posing some of my own.

By saying that someone "will not be hit again," does that necessarily mean that the promiser is the one who had previously hit the promisee?  and are not promises to protect and to defend almost "cliche?"  that i think is the most misinterpretted line of this poem.  it's one that i had trouble writing myself.  i wanted to present the image of someone promising, though they have no intention to fulfill it, to keep someone safe, to change her life and be there.
the tense change is a mistake.  half way throught the poem i decided i wanted to change tenses, and didn't properly edit the first stanza.
thank you all for the responses.  i've missed this sort of comraderie.

captaincargo
Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109
Corning, N.Y. U.S.A.
9 posted 2000-07-12 09:54 PM


Hi, Roxane. I'd like to say welcome back, but this is the first time I've been here in a few months.  

A pretty poem, at least in my eyes.

"and i knew that i had captured him"

I love this line. It "to me" makes me uhh... hot! LOL

Another passionate one by our Roxane. God I missed this place. I wish I had more time to be here. I've finally got some time off with no projects in sight except for a silly outline I'm working on. So maybe I can stick around this humongous time sink for a little while.

Cap.

She wanders in the April woods,
That glisten with the fallen shower;
She leans her face against the buds,
She stops, she stoops, she plucks a flower.
She feels the ferment of the hour: ...

           'Agatha'

         Alfred Austin  



Cap. Carg.

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
10 posted 2000-07-14 09:15 PM


Roxanne,
Don't have time to go into detail here but I just wanted to say I feel a stronger voice in this one as well. I don't believe this is as strong as 'to branden' -- it's almost as if this was a transition poem between two different styles.

Am I way off the mark?

Brad

Seoulman
Junior Member
since 2000-05-24
Posts 41

11 posted 2000-07-14 10:49 PM


Hi I'm fairly new here and because of heavy a heavy work load I don't get to post or reply often but I do try to read a lot of poems at the forum.

Anyway, liked the line "his fingers curled around the air", the imagery is great and you can nearly sense the act you convey. Interesting read.

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