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Today
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Today |
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Cait New Member
since 1999-08-28
Posts 4WI, USA |
*this poem is about my dad who died last year. i'd really appreciate some responses from you all...thanks. today my world got a little darker i can't see what lays ahead of me anymore it used to be so much clearer a life astranged from those around me a life too perfect to know a sweet madness like this too perfect to recognize this glorious sadness that has been layed ahead of me, luring me towards it today my world got thrown away... today i died i can't breathe anymore, i gasp for air my lungs are closing in on themselves i gag and choke on my own vomit i scream until i become deaf from my own words my body becomes limp i fall from my stance and sink into the ground my head throbs and i go numb i can still see him sometimes today was one of those times i close my eyes and listen to my breathing tears stain my flushed cheeks and i wait he enters my world i see him walking towards me his voice becomes familiar again and his presence begins to enclose my body he occupies my mind and my thoughts he knows more than he did before for he is with me always now able to see all i do, all i say, all i experience he knows all now yet i am again forced to let go forced to move on and leave my past, leave the only way i know how, behind me today...today i learned how to live a new way a way set apart from all others around myself i pave my own path and listen to my inner self i let no one into my world anymore for what i love becomes cursed cursed to die abruptly, unexpectedaly cursed to change, become a new person cursed by me today was a new day my days are still darker than my being is accustomed to the spark, the light has faded the glow in my eyes is lost but i manage to find my way i wander amlesly through these halls in search of something i have yet to find my smile is now my mask the mask of my soul i do not remove if for fear of misplacing it forever fear of losing it and not knowing the way anymore i pray that someday i will become the person you know me as become the person i pretend to be every day that i am here i pray for an end to all this pain and if not that, at least the strength to make it to tomorrow i will continue to walk, continue to live continue to wander through this crazy existance i will find my own way out of here somedays may be darker and i may lose my way but i am here today and tomorrow will always come... |
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| © Copyright 1999 Cait - All Rights Reserved | |||
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ossachile New Member
since 1999-09-07
Posts 6Philadelphia, PA, USA |
Excellent poem! I can relate to it, because my grandmother died a few years ago and I feel the same... As if everything I love will be "cursed". There's only a few grammatical errors and spelling errrors. But it was very good. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
It's always a tough call on what to say on a poem as personal as this. Please understand, I mean no disrespect to your feelings or to your father but I wonder what feelings you are trying to generate in the reader? You definitely create sympathy in the reader but I wonder if you might let us 'in' a little more. You talk about a 'perfect' life. How so? You say that you have lost that 'glow in your eyes'. How do other people see this? You have a mask on but you don't feel the way you show others. Okay, here (only if your interested of course) you might have an idea. Why not show us a carefree, happy person (the mask) and hint at the sorrow that's lurking underneath. With emotions as powerful as these, I often find hyperbole 'I died' to be too much. It weakens the effect on the reader. Again, what are you trying to accomplish here? I really don't like the last line (reminds me of Annie) but all of this may be completely useless to you. This may be too personal for a critique (and how do you ever really get far enough away from such a tragedy to write about it in an serious way?) Ah, maybe I should just shut up. I do hope that your world has become, is becoming a little brighter. Brad |
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