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When I Fell
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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When I Fell |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap 
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It was not a singular day; No storm harried the heavens, No lightning-breath danced along my arms In warning -- no union Of earth and sky arced in limbs of white-hot flame, Filling my ears with the thunder Of their joining – no torrent came That rendered my heart tempestuous. The sky stretched blue, but not unduly so; The day was hardly crystalline, or something That might catch the breath, shaping it to "beautiful ..." It was blue, simply, and littered here and there With unassuming cloud – the sort that greet horizons gently, And never cast a shadow on the sun. It was not a moment That commands the eye of history, and yet I lived the sunlight and breathed the storm Together -- Strange bedfellows, I reflected, But not nearly the phenomenon As was the silence and the smile When I fell Into you YOUR LIFE IS A TEST It is only a test ... If this were your Actual Life, you would have been given better instructions! |
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| © Copyright 2000 Linda Anderson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think this one has a lot of potential. The negative constructions here reminded me of this: Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove. O no, it is an ever-fixed mark That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wand'ring bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come. Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out ev'n to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved. Why not try it in sonnet form? Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Kess, good to hear from you again. As always, your metaphors and images are fascinating. Somehow, this poem feels like an introduction to a longer piece, maybe the first paragraph of a novel. I can't agree with Brad on the sonnet form, although if anyone could do it, you would be the one. I think I would prefer expanding it instead. Thanks for sharing, Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Kess: Your poem reminded Brad of one of Shakespeare's best sonnets (IMHO) and it had a similar effect on me so it seems you've dodged both barrels of the shotgun.  Your words are well chosen and your rhymes and meter read naturally. Structurally, I can find nothing wrong with your poem. I think Brad's suggestion, however, is a good one. Writing this in sonnet form would give the poem's theme something I think it lacks: it would make it more concise. Thanks for a truly pleasureable read, Kess. Jim |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hi Kess For some reason this poem seemed familiar but i think perhaps it's more the idea behind it that gives it that feel. There's a poem in "Best American Poetry" (can't recall the title) which basically lists a whole string of ordinary human activities ..down to something as mundane as setting the spring tension on a car trunk latch and then introduces the idea of a galactic event taking place at the same time ... oh yes "A Star is born in the Eagle Nebula" or something like that - anyway .. it's the idea of something which might seem significant in human terms actually being seen as insignificant in galactic terms or whatever. You poem had that feel ..... sort of in reverse though ...i.e. it was a perfectly ordinary day in the universe when all of a sudden "i fell into you" - the implication being that this was anything but an "ordinary" event for the speaker. "And yet......." signals the fact that despite the ordinariness of day something "historical" is happening to the speaker personally. It's difficult to find anything much "wrong" with the piece ... i agree with Pete about not making it a sonnet .. it's too "obvious" ....lol... i like it as it is, and as usual your imagery dominates ..particularly liked: "With unassuming cloud – the sort that greet horizons gently, And never cast a shadow on the sun." and the suggestion of a lovely personality behind that phrase. perhaps my only slight reservation would be the final two lines which I'm sure I've heard verbatim before ... but no way can i think where ......LOL.......so in other words ignore me..!! a beautiful poem Kess  Philip |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
First off, I would like to extend a heartfelt and humble "thank you" to the Great and Powerful C. A. Wolves for ministering to me gently on my first venture into their lair ... LOL Brad: I did as you suggested, and posted it ... please let me know what you think. Pete: Expanding it is an interesting idea, but unfortunately were I to expand it to the extent that my depth of emotion commands I fear 'twould be a neverending poem ... LOL. I shall tinker with it perhaps ... thank you so much for reading and replying at any rate. Jim: Again, I did the sonnet thing, and it is indeed more concise if nothing else. Your reply and compliments are greatly appreciated. Philip: I'm so glad you enjoyed my images -- and I will intimate that the phrase you quoted was one of my personal favorites as well. The last two lines, being all of five words in their entirety, are a bit difficult to edit in this version -- however, if you are inclined to drop by the "obvious" sonnetized version of this piece (LOL) you will notice that they have been more or less completely revised.Also, I am so thrilled that you picked up on the "personlity" behind the image you quoted -- because it is so much of the person to (for?) whom the poem was written, and I was afraid I might have been too subtle in my allusions. Thank you!  Been a pleasure hearing from you all ... --Kess < !signature--> YOUR LIFE IS A TEST It is only a test ... If this were your Actual Life, you would have been given better instructions! [This message has been edited by Skyfyre (edited 07-07-2000).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
yes Kess i guess i picked up on all the allusions nearly ... ... pity you didn't pick up on my name ... grrrrrrr ... hey what is it with me and Pete .. you are the third person to call me "pete" .. it's never the other way round either hummphhh .. are we Brits really that grey and invisible ??? better than Brad callin' me Sharon i suppose ..!!! PHILIP ... hear that? .. PHILIP ...PHILIP [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 07-07-2000).] |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
 Sorry Philip! (and again, thanks for replying) --Kess YOUR LIFE IS A TEST It is only a test ... If this were your Actual Life, you would have been given better instructions! |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Kess P |
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