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Strange dance
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Strange dance |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland 
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This poem is another experiment of mine. It is attempt to capture the chaos and confusion of a busy city street in the form of a weird dance. Please I would appreciate any feed back on this poem I just penned. Would love to hear your thoughts and criticisms. ================ I could push them over those cluttered ones, dancing without rhythm, walking without aim. Cowering in their tangled shadows, my invisibility is still accounted for. Sink below and be trampled. On the streets the ballerinas are drunkards Sour faces washed with overcast consumer penny princes and narrow eyes seekers All stumbling on pavements shoulders rubbing in a war of abrasion legs thousands of legs collide bodies flaying twisted and spinning taking to motion in general confusion this is a dance without elegance A strange concerto of yells and pounding techno Music store disco. GO GO boys GO GO girls Twist and shout, I can't seem to find my place anywhere Why wouldn't wall cover me more? Its all a tangled blur faces lose features Everything is spewing garbage I am restless In amphetamine street speed my friend No time for weariness…rush rush into the strange dance Celebrate the lack of order the chaos ensued and I knew from the first stray manic laugh that we were all doomed. A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 07-01-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 brian madden - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Brian am seeing improvements in your writings and not able to give serios critique but, found this to be more free flowing and spontaneous. Look to see more. your friend forrest |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi brian! certainly an interesting peice. i did get the impression of chaos, but it wasnt too confusing (like i expected given your preface  )i think the second stanza has a kind of tightness the third stanza lacks. i think perhaps i like the first stanza best. dont know why on either thing. here's something that just dawned on me, the first stanza is less confused, like exposition, the confuse-ment starting after "sink below and be trampled". neat idea, now that i notice it. very sly.  i dont know what it is with stanza 3, maybe because you seem to shift settings to a disco, intentional? i maybe think the part that bothers me is this "I can't seem to find my place anywhere Why wouldn't wall cover me more?" dont know why. not big on the music store line either. shrug. hope i helped luv Elyse |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
Brian, I like your images. I think this poem needs something to hold it together a bit more though. Maybe it might work better if there was no reference to the 'I' just the images and the characters on the street - this way the images speak by themselves. I think the poem may be more effective if you stuck more directly to the 'strange dance' theme -if I understand it correctly, the poetic voice is detached and seeing the alienating madness in 'normal' activeties. I think the poem needs a bit more direction and pruning off of anything at all superfluous to the main theme. I like the images though. -Tim |
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brian madden Member Elite
since 2000-05-06
Posts 4374ireland |
Forrest, glad that my writing seems to be improving. I too am not very good at critiques. thanks for your reply. Elyse, I agree that the third stanza lack tightness but I wanted it to be more muddled more looser than the first two stanzas. I see your point about the disco image not fitting in. thanks for your reply and comments. Tim, a very interesting point, thanks for the suggestion. I have just made that change and yes it does work better. I agree the poem needs some fine tuning but I want it somewhat rough. thanks for your comments. I am going to work on this poem a bit more. ============= second version. Strange dance Push over the cluttered ones dancing with out rhythm, walking without aim. Cowering in tangled shadows invisibility is still accounted for. Sink below and be trampled. On the streets the ballerinas are drunkards Sour faces washed with overcast consumer penny princes and narrow eyes seekers All stumbling on pavements shoulders rubbing in a war of abrasion legs thousands of legs collide bodies flaying twisted and spinning taking to motion in general confusion this is a dance without elegance A strange concerto of yells pounding In a symphony of discord twisted shout, no place to exist alone anywhere Its all a tangled blur faces loss features Everything is spewing garbage in Amphetamine Street No time for weariness…speed into the strange dance Celebrate lack of order the chaos ensued from the first stray manic laugh all were doomed. < !signature--> A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry [This message has been edited by brian madden (edited 07-02-2000).] |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Hi Brian, I enjoyed the poem. The rewrite is better for others to read though your original may be exactly what you need to read. I find that the what the general public likes is different than individual preferences. If you are writing for the public then the second is best. Just a opinion and you know like butt holes everyones got one. EJ |
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YeshuJah Malikk Member
since 2000-06-29
Posts 263 |
Forrest, I like the idea you're chasing down here. The poem does bring across that feel of confusion, but I'm not sure the idea of it all as a dance is developed enough. Dance styles are mentioned but you haven't showed how the participants are like dancers. This is how I feel about it. But I rather like the idea though. YeshuJah*) |
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