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Chan
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Chan |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Chan His headlights once were bright and shining His engine strong no miss or whining None could pass nor match his pace He would win most every race Folks would stop and look at him His body strong his fenders trim His horn would speak and all would turn To watch his moves with hopes to learn Courage rode upon his tires Truth powered his motors fire Inside his trunk hidden well Fear did lie weak and frail He heard the cry and onward drove Through Nazi tanks on Hitler’s roads Doors hanging on love’s single hinge Seats and floors charred and singed Yes this race he must win, no turning back until it ends He gave his best till flags came down The race was won on blood soaked ground Now he stands one headlight dim His tires bald and seats worn thin The paint flaking cracked and light His motor sputters with smoke of white But truth still powers the engine there And love still holds doors worn and bare Fenders dented from war and pain His body twisted from hatreds aim No one looks in awe or thanks For lives he saved from burning tanks His antenna broke but still he hears He turns away with silent tears [This message has been edited by eldridgejackson (edited 06-16-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 eldridgejackson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
this is interesting eldridge. seemed a bit vague in parts to lil ole me, but mostly pretty good. some comments... Once his headlights were bright and shinning His engine strong and powerful no miss or whining notice the difference in the meter of th first and second lines? that could probably be fixed by taking out "and powerful" you dont really need it anyway once you say strong. i have to confess tho, i dont understand the use of "miss" here. Truth powered his motors fire Fear was there weak and frail Inside the trunk hidden well i might put a "but" in front of fear, considering the change it is from the laudatory descriptions of all that comes before it. and also, you might consider a comma or something in that last line. Yes this race he must win maybe you did this on purpose, but i thought i would point out that this line is both shorter and choppier than any of the others. you might want that effect, but im not sure i like it here. just my opinion o'course. His tires to low his seats to thin The paint is worn thin and light ok, i cannot figure out what this first line means. at all. and, i wouldnt say "thin" twice so close together. ok, im done now  luv Elyse |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Thanks Elyse good points. The poem/story is about my Uncle Chan a WW 2 vet who fought Hitler for World freedom. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Very well written. Elyse whine refers to the high pitched sounds of a stressed car/jeep tank engine. There is a whole lot more to this story and maybe will get the Chan Chan shot in the canteen story. I think he would be flattered if you sent him a copy. Very good for a second poem we expect much more. Don`t make me sic Elyse on you. love forrest |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
hi eldridge-- i really liked this piece! i loved the metaphor with the vehicle, i thought that worked really well. in my mind's eye i saw this rugged olive-drab jeep banging away through the muddy roads to berlin, and then kinda sitting there forlornly, all beaten up and battle-scarred, in some army surplus parking lot. very well done! a few things? in the first stanza, there's a typo on "shining." i like your rhyme scheme, but i don't think "well" and "frail" in the third stanza and "win" and "ends" in the fifth stanza really work as rhymes. in the sixth stanza, to improve the flow a little, i'd maybe change the first line from "He now stands one headlight dim" to "Now he stands one headlight dim". just a suggestion. your uncle chan sounds like quite a guy, lol, i'd love to hear the canteen story sometime, lol. give him a big thanks from me for all he and so many others did in the war, will ya? and thank YOU for posting this here! jenni |
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eldridgejackson Member
since 2000-04-30
Posts 91 |
Thanks for the kind words jenni. Chan is a very interesting man. Forrest and I get him to talk about the war but usually he stops and decides not to remember any more. Thank you for the good advice. EJ |
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