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bsblount
New Member

since 2000-06-11

Posts 2

0 posted 2000-06-12 12:06 PM

The following is the best attempt at a poem I have yet to muster, but I know that it needs a lot of work. Meter and foot are of great difficulty for me, and I know that the figurative language is a bit pathetic, so I'd gladly like to recieve some advise on how I can make this poem the best that it can be.

How Sweet It Was

I recall how sweet it was
In the late hours of the night
When time is worth wasting
And I give up on the fight

I let it all slip back in
Happy thoughts infused with pain
Grasping for some comfort
Feeling nothing but disdain

I recall how sweet it was
Living life in your embrace
Helpless between you lips.
Where my life fell into place

I recall all the moments
That the world vanished away
Lost in each others arms
Where I thought I'd always stay.

I recall moonlit moments
Spent gazing into your eyes
Witnessed by the stars
as we kissed beneath the sky

Memories are wild flowers
In a garden always at growth
Some smell sweet - some have thorns
And I choose to pick them both

As I arrange this bouquet
I take a moment and I pause
To smile and shed a tear
And recall how sweet it was.

Poertree
Senior Member

since 1999-11-05

Posts 1359
UK

1 posted 2000-06-12 08:04 AM

Bsb

Hi .. welcome to CA .. first thing to say is don't stop writing!

I'm no expert on meter either (but there are plenty of people here who are ..lol!) .. parts of this poem felt maybe a little "abrupt" given that the atmosphere is kind of dreamy, but on the whole it flowed well enough. I just though maybe a slightly longer line length ..maybe pentameter might add to the effect.

As far a you "figurative language" goes you have IMHO a bit of a mixture! Admittedly some of the images and ideas come off a bit cliche, for instance:

the whole of the fifth stanza

"I recall moonlit moments
Spent gazing into your eyes
Witnessed by the stars
as we kissed beneath the sky "

I seem to have heard a thousand times before, and:

"Lost in each others arms"

is also pretty well used I think.

HOWEVER ... having said that, there is no doubt that the cliched bits seem more cliched simply because they contrast with the parts where you have come up with original, memorable and I have to say rather beautiful imagery and metaphor:

"In the late hours of the night
When time is worth wasting"

lines to be proud of!! , and:

"Helpless between you lips"

very nice indeed, and:

"Memories are wild flowers
In a garden always at growth
Some smell sweet - some have thorns
And I choose to pick them both "

This whole stanza introduced a nice metaphor .. "at growth" seemed a bit off - should it be "in growth"?

You are clearly capable of some excellent writing...... don't stop!!

Thanks

Philip

Jeen
Member

since 2000-06-07

Posts 91

2 posted 2000-06-12 08:09 PM

Philip obviously knows a great deal about poetry, and gave you advice on how to work on the structure of your poem...

When I read it I really liked it. I did not have to stretch my dusty mind to understand it.

Jeen

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