Need Some Help With This One

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Robin
Junior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 48
Cardiff, Wales, UK

0 posted 1999-08-29 04:34 PM

Like I say, this one isn't quite working and I don't know why. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
I have put some background to it after the poem itself

Does that give the right?
Robin Laffan

To save a life,
But not yours.
You’re not worth the use of my heart,
My spleen, my kidneys
To taint my memory
Raising you to undeserved heights

To save a life,
No list should be drawn
Saying who can
Or cannot
Be saved.
Morals cannot be compromised
Whatever you feel
Someone’s life to be saved

To save a life
I could choose not to act
Letting the black man fall,
Letting the chinaman walk in front of the car,
Letting the woman drown.
And who would question
if my inaction was choice
or just a failure to move?

To save a life
Does that give the right
To select, once you’re gone
The beneficiary
Their belief or their race?

The background to this was a recent event in the UK when somebody died, leaving their organs to be used to help others. Unfortunately, thay also specified that the recipients of any organs must be white.

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

1 posted 1999-09-01 01:48 AM

I found the background information more interesting than the poem. You've got a great idea here but your writing it like a sermon.

Two ideas:
write from the doners point of view -- show us what an idiot he really is. Maybe add something like he has sickle cell anemia and question that very whiteness.

create two poems within one: show how this doner's action creates another situation where a person needs an organ but a black person has decided that he will only donate to white people. The person in need is of course the white doner's daughter.

Or something like that.

Fantastic idea -- use it to its full poetential.

Brad

Robin
Junior Member

since 1999-08-07

Posts 48
Cardiff, Wales, UK

2 posted 1999-09-01 02:45 PM

Thanks Brad,
You're right it is like a sermon.
I like the idea of showing him up as a jerk. Keep an eye open for my second attempt.

Thanks again

Robin

TheCandyMan_1
Junior Member

since 1999-08-28

Posts 38
NY

3 posted 1999-09-02 06:16 AM

Robin-
I love what you are doing here...it is a very worthy cause to write about. My brother waited 22 years for a kidney. I do agree with Brad on the part of making two poems in one. The first four lines sounded like you were taking it from the doners side then switched to the reader of the newspaper. I myself know how very good you can write. I believe you should go for it. If you need some background on what my brother went through waiting for a doner..I will be glad to give you all you need. Just email me and ask. Maybe you would feel it more that way. Please do keep working on this one...I can't wait to see your final copy. Thank you again.

------------------
JA.Malone
-x--------->o<---------x-
"Biting my truant pen, beating myself for spite - "Fool!" said my Muse to me "look in thy heart, and write!" - Sir Philip Sidney

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