Critical Analysis #1 |
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The First Minutes |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
Once cocooned in darkness, Now forced into the light, Until he feels his mother's touch, He'll wage his mighty fight. So clear the eyes of innocence, Of this child, just minutes old, The secrets behind them hiding, Forgotten, unspoken, untold. He has the look of an aged man, With a furrowed, troubled brow, Frowning almost as if he knows, The struggles life will endow. Tightly in a blanket wrapped, Placed gently in her arms, Contented sighs of comfort, Protected from life's harms. [This message has been edited by BSC (edited 05-13-2000).] |
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© Copyright 2000 Bonnie Church - All Rights Reserved | |||
MagnoliaBlue Member
since 2000-05-12
Posts 367 |
This is done very well.Thought-provoking. Descriptive.A good read. Keep writing! ![]() |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
hi BSC! you might get a better flow to this if you cut a few words, i was thinking Once cocooned in darkness, now forced into light, and maybe Contented sighs of comfort, protected from life's harms you dont really need the "he"s here, we know who you're talking about. and you might consider a few line inversions, such as the secrets behind them hiding tightly in a blanket wrapped it emphasizes the final words a little, and it doesnt hurt your rhyme scheme. it might be fun to play with that. that's all from me ![]() luv Elyse Do I contradict myself? Very well then . . . . I contradict myself; I am large . . . . I contain multitudes. -Papa Walt |
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BSC
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-02-04
Posts 2919New York, USA |
Magnolia - Thanks for reading this, I've still got a lot to learn. Elyse - Thank you, I know I get too wordy, but have trouble knowing which words to change. Thanks for the advice. Bonnie |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
there is a lot of truth in these words... i've often saw the age & wisdom in a newborn's face ... you have portrayed this picture well. Thank you for the read. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Bonnie, I, too liked the lines comparing the babe to an old man. Also very good were the two lines about the secrets forgotten and untold...I loved those. There are a few extra syllables here and there, but that is easily remedied...for example, in the fourth line, just try to replace continue with a one syllable word that would be appropriate, and you'll see how much better it sounds. Very nice work, Bonnie, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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