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brandondinsmore
Member

since 1999-10-27

Posts 142
OKC, OK

0 posted 2000-05-01 09:36 PM

I see a swimming, composing
Swift waves, doppelganger.
Burning trees around
Alter egos seeking shaded
Congruency.
Faux.  Strike a mistake.

Indigo gel melts
With a dripping sky
And air cuts my ear,
Resounds

Do some gracefulness
With, as I, myself, your’s
To fall forever, ever
Fading and falling,
Severed, staining cryptic
Photo chrome.

Pinch the Moabittess in
Folds of hazy cellophane
Plus the fogging of our
Serene scape; a sudden flash…
An otherworldly minute, please.
Bring into future the
Appeased past.
Huff.  The planets move.

Sweet fall.  Descent; swing low
Grasp our grasp
Air clears and sky awaits
Us, to ascend our descent
Liquid covers frosty film

Beg.  Transparency:  open
Curtains faded, enter
Step into still frame
Remove lost acquaintance
How milky.  White
And serenely soft.  I swim.

Here is the version with all suggested revisions...How is it?  Oh, I'm sorry for the graphic...just messing...

A true novice of a man when it comes to being a man at something...

bboog
Member

since 2000-02-29

Posts 303
Valencia, California

1 posted 2000-05-01 10:29 PM

Brandon~
Much improved. I think the only thing that seems out of place to me is the word "trees". Burning "things" perhaps?
I kind of imagined this one taking place in outer space. A kind of David Bowie "Ground control to Major Tom" kind of scene, where two lovers could be in outer space and drifting one hundred thousand miles up high, scared, as they drift apart. "Planet earth is blue, and there's nothing I can do. Can you hear me Major Tom?"
Just an idea.
bboog

Elyse
Member

since 2000-04-16

Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC

2 posted 2000-05-01 11:57 PM

yes, much better. very nice indeed - except, i would leave it as "how milky" i wouldnt say white also.
luv Elyse

jenni
Member

since 1999-09-11

Posts 478
Washington D.C.

3 posted 2000-05-02 12:42 PM

brandon--

i actually liked it better the other way. perhaps the "grasp" line is better here, but i didn't see the need for the stanza breaks elyse suggested, and i think having the breaks really disturbs the floating, falling feel it had before. just my opinion, of course; the only opinion that really matters is yours.

jenni

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 05-02-2000).]

brandondinsmore
Member

since 1999-10-27

Posts 142
OKC, OK

4 posted 2000-05-03 09:14 AM

Thanks for the input. Your comments are being stored into mind right now...
Yeah, there are certain aspects I will leave as they were, and certain things that still need more revising...I'll keep you informed.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

5 posted 2000-05-03 09:43 AM

Brandon:

See what you get for trying to please everybody?

Actually, I am in agreement with Jenni. I liked your poem as it was originally written much better. What Jenni describes as the "floating, falling feel", I think, is a result of the combination of short lines and long syllables. I think these two effects working together complimented your theme well and I think that it is lost to some degree in the new format. Just an opinion. Thanks again for the read.

Jim

brandondinsmore
Member

since 1999-10-27

Posts 142
OKC, OK

6 posted 2000-05-04 05:09 PM

Thanks again for the input. I too like the original better, but still have some things to work on...Thanks again!

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