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help me PLEASE (killing and sugarbunny)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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help me PLEASE (killing and sugarbunny) |
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rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
killing in blood we stood side by side, i to the left she to the right drip down angry and obscene it had all been by a click cut short but called out for more and click again silence empty audio, paused by the presence of him, on the floor in blood we stood side by side, i to the left she to the right red bellied sun climbed to the sky and shook it's head at what we'ed done ---------------------------- essentialy i am to me a blood splash on a tear stained cheek the point at which the blade came in and took away a world of sin whispered about in secret rhymes i am a stopped clock of our times wanted by the graveyard gates imprisoned by the walls of fate she licked my lips and flew by night and i never saw her shine so bright [This message has been edited by rene (edited 05-01-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 rene - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Rene: I found the violence in both(?) of these poems a little bit disturbing. The imagery is strong and your words were well chosen but I, personally, am not a big fan of poems like this. I am curious, though, if the message of the first poem is basically the senselessness of killing. The reason I am curious is because you don't really give the reader any hints behind the reason for the crime. I suppose there is nothing wrong with leaving it open ended like you did, leaving the reader wondering "Why?" I will try to get to the second one later. I read it quickly and just want to mention that if this is a poem describing suicide, it is not in conformity with the guidelines of the Passions in Poetry forums. If it is a poem about suicide then I would kindly ask that you edit it out of this post. Thanks. Jim |
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brandondinsmore Member
since 1999-10-27
Posts 142OKC, OK |
I will REPLY. Great job, as well as effort. I like the imagery; while this may be a strong subject, it is truly moving, and true of certain natures. Suggestions: Maybe more depth in each line, but the simple ease of it all is kind of appealing. Maybe this: it had all been, by a click, cut short...but called out for more...and click again ...silence... Anyway, those are just my inexperienced suggestions...Do what you like... |
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rene Member
since 2000-04-24
Posts 113 |
it is not about suicide, i apologize if you thought so. it is about chasing someone into a vacuum andwatching them escape. i am glad they disturbed you though, if they had not i would have cried, then probably smked a cigarette whilst musing on the point of existence. so as you can see you saved me from acting like a nonce. thankyou. rollover. |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
are these two seperarte poems? on the first - this is interesting, but since its so sparse you'll want to take care with your flow. to that end i suggest: change stanza 2 to by a click cut short it had all been drip down angry and obscene then i would think about whether you really wanted the repetition of quietness that "silent" and "empty audio" give. also, how can his body "pause" an already "empty audio"? does this mean there is now sound? if not, think about how you can better convey what you meant. maybe some otomatopoea (now i KNOW i didnt spell that right) might help get that across. and lastly, i would switch the postition of the last two stanzas and edit a little to maybe give red bellied sun climbed the sky shook its head side by side, in blood we stood i to the left she to the right. I dont know much to say about the second one, but i like the closing couplet best. luv Elyse |
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