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rainchild
New Member
since 2000-04-14
Posts 8


0 posted 2000-04-23 10:00 PM


The Stranger


Someone has stolen my son away,
and left a stranger in his place.
A cold uncaring, thoughtless man,
with pain upon his face.
I do not recognize this man
who bears my loved ones name.
Whos trail of sin and broken
hearts makes me recoil in shame.
He was a loving little child
a meek and humble soul.
How could I know that time
and life would turn his heart
stone cold.
What put the frown upon his face,
and made his spirit old?
What killed the love within his being,
and blackened his very soul?
I know the child I knew and love
must be somewhere inside.
Yet when I try to call him out,
he runs away to hide.





[This message has been edited by rainchild (edited 04-24-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 rainchild - All Rights Reserved
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
1 posted 2000-04-24 12:45 PM


Rainchild:

This is a very moving poem and because it is so personal I hesitate in offering any constructive criticism.  I will make one suggestion.  Perhaps you might consider exploring the "why" of the change in your (?) son in order to give the reader a little more insight into your specific situation.  Without a doubt the words evoke a concrete image in your own mind but the reader is left with some blurred pictures of what is going on.  What IS obvious from your wording is that this is a painful and unpleasant situation to be in.  Being more specific, I think, will strengthen your poem considerably.

Thanks for posting and welcome to Critical Analysis.  

Jim

[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 04-24-2000).]

Elyse
Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414
Apex (think raleigh) NC
2 posted 2000-04-24 01:58 PM


thanx for sharing something so personal.  just from a form point of view, you mgith consider spliting your longer lines to make them the same metirical length as your first ones, and it would be the same rhyme scheme.  just a little thought  
luv Elyse

bboog
Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303
Valencia, California
3 posted 2000-04-24 06:14 PM


Rain~
   I too liked this poem. Suggestion: I imagined "him" to be in his late teens or early twenties, and so the last line seemed like it could use a little strengthening.
Currently it reads,
Yet when I try to call him out,
he runs away to hide.
This is fine if he's ten or twelve years old. But if he's an adult, you might want to make it more of a "zinger".

Yet when I try to call him out,
His distant eyes shut tight
His emotions all have died.

  Anyway, just a thought. Again, I really enjoyed it.
best regards,
bboog

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