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Critical Analysis #1
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Clear Bandaids (rewrite)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Clear Bandaids (rewrite) |
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Elyse Member
since 2000-04-16
Posts 414Apex (think raleigh) NC |
He promises, She believes He breaks them, she forgives He smiles, and she is lost in the curve of his lips and a feeling she can't name. She meets Her friends for coffee smiles radiantly and gushes how He knows All Her soft and tender places. He meets His boys for beers proudly relates the same but wears a much colder expression. He would never dream of slapping her not skin to skin anyway. He leaves deeper bruises breaks inner bones not shown on X-rays under more convincing camoflauge than CoverGirl and dark glasses. But He sees His work quite well. it fits her like a costly gown He likes it when she wears that dress Proud to be its designer. He sends her out shopping Tired of looking at her. - in those old rags - He adds. She smooths a new jacket over Her curves The emerald of it ignites Her eyes which echo its shade flawlessly. Those dark boots (which match her old blue gown) are on sale. She longingly studies the pricetags, Sighs, she brings home the boots. she tells Him of her dilema she ties on her apron and He agrees Green is not her color. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elyse Wilcock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I think you've got something going here but I found some of the imagery a little hard to grasp. I liked the emerald jacket part the best but I think you've set this up a little too one sidedly. The sympathy is for the woman, of course, but I've often found that these types of poems backfire if you ponder them for awhile. Wonder if you are going to write a sequel? One other thing: why are you using caps for the pronouns? I found this profoundly disturbing because I kept trying to see if their was a religious element to this story. Just an opinion, Brad |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Elyse, this version does seem to flow a little better for me but it really seems quite the same overall. My favorite stanza is still the same one. Finally, I agree with Brad on the cap letters, for the same reason. It did bother me before although I didn't mention it. Pete |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
I read twice and like this poem. A dysfunctional relationship but all to common in this world. Evokes emotion and flows well without being pretentious. Loose the caps. |
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Forrest Cain Member
since 2000-04-21
Posts 306Chas.,W.V. USA |
Elyse I know I`ve commented once on this work, but I really like this kind of poetry and your style. I`m suprised at the lack of feedback your getting as this is one of the best postings I`ve read. Truly look forward to seeing more of your work. |
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