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Critical Analysis #1
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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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You |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I dreamt of you last night It was comfortable I didn’t even know I was dreaming Your face was really tanned Hair long as I remember it Dimples that were gently pushed up by your smile And eyes that were curious Looking around Searching like a child’s You invited me into your house It was a beach house of somekind It was huge Expansive Rooms that didn’t seem to end But quietly blended into each other We lay down in front of the couch And had sex It was beautiful We were together I wasn’t on my own In my own head Thinking Cross checking thoughts I was with you In the moment It must have been two hours At least Having sex It was back and forth Pouring everything out The light was different A purplish orange Like a sunset But the sun had already set It seemed like it was coming from everywhere Surrounding us Not consuming But wrapping us up tightly After we had sex You got up and were happy I kissed you because of it And we sat on the couch and talked I haven’t a clue what we were saying But it was right It fit Because your face glowed With a contentedness I had never seen It was a certainty of place A knowledge that everything in the world had a purpose A reason for doing what it was doing I agreed with it How couldn’t I? Then your parents came in I remembered their faces Your mum’s at least Your father’s I didn’t see Probably because I was afraid he would remember Who had dropped a couch on him I know it was a long time ago And he’s forgotten about it But it’s still right here For me I only saw his feet But he was kind They both were Inviting me to be around in the future But I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to be You smiled like you did But your smile was so strong in the present That it could promise something like the future Somehow I wasn’t worried though It didn’t matter what then It mattered now You walked in front of me out the door And just as I was to follow you Someone came in and held me up with questions They weren’t that intrusive The questions themselves fit fine But they occupied my dream long enough That I woke up I wanted to get back to you But when I did When I tried I knew it wouldn’t be the same I wouldn’t be with you I would be on my own And you would be separate Somewhere else You would be real again In your own life With a boyfriend And who knows Maybe a beachouse While I will remain a dreamer Not fully confident of materialising into reality For fear that I won’t see you again |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Patch: I am a fan of your talent to narrate but I think this one was a little bit off the mark of what I have seen you post in the past. The development of the first half (before the parents came home) seemed slow and the description of what took place after their arrival seemed to lack the attention to detail that I have grown accustomed to in your work. Perhaps you would consider trimming down the first half while solidifying the image of this girl who is the object of that that dream. All I know about her is that she had long hair, a tanned face, dimples and wealthy, understanding parents. Besides these I haven't a clue how to picture the "You" of your title. Just my opinion. Jim |
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Corgan New Member
since 2000-02-16
Posts 2 |
I liked this poem because of the ending. That idea of dreaming such a beautiful wonderful dream that when you realize that it's JUST a dream, you don't want to wake up so you try to pretend that you are still dreaming all the while knowing that it'll never be the same. Dreaming or in real life. I don't visit this page as often as I'd like to so I haven't seen any of your other work and I can't comment on Jboulder's suggestions. I agree that you have a nice talent to narrate though. Some things that don't seem to flow for me are the repeated use of "sex," and the transition from that intimacy to the parents. What I mean about the word sex is that I feel like you use the word too much in this poem. It seems to break it up for me and stop the narrative. You use it three times and after the first it doesn't seem necessary and just burdens the poem. The other thing I'd suggest is that you should transition better from the intimacy with this girl to her parents coming in. Maybe it's just me but moving from having sex...then parents coming in...well, that just scares me...too familiar with real life experiences, know what I mean? |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Patch, I would have to echo what both Jim, and Corgan said. The poem is okay, I get the gist, but it just isn't up to par for you. Also the three lines about having sex...I understand the value of repetition, but try to vary your phrases somewhat. With a little work you've got a great piece of work here. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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