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Fleeting Youth
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Fleeting Youth |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Fleeting Youth Pray, squander not your beauty and your youth For far too soon they’ll fade and then be done; Cruel Time, his tragic toll to take, in truth Relentless, toils to spoil and spares no one. Nor waste your charm though ever will it be For even Time can’t harm that dearest feature, A wond’rous gift for fools like me to see, To feel, to know, to love a dearest creature. It’s true, with autumn now my days entwine -- The fleeting time of spring is ever past -- But stolen moments when your eyes meet mine Give hope a moment longer spring might last. You gave to me your love and I’ll adore And love you ‘till my final days and more. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, You always have such a message, and tell it so beautifully. Nice images, good word choices...the only spot I got tripped up a little was "toils to spoil". Little bit hard to get out. Perhaps "...toils to ruin, spares no one" or drives, strains, or "thrives on spoils". That is the only tiny crit I have. The sonnet is very well done, as usual, Pete. Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
I second Kris, picking only my own little nit as well -- the double use of "dearest" in lines six and eight. This is to be added to your growing list of lovingly crafted sonnets. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Kris, Thanks for your complementary remarks. Interestingly enough working versions were worded "works to waste", "toils to waste" and later "toils to ruin" but I really didn't like those. Then I hit on spoil as a synonym for ruin or waste and liked the internal rhyme it gave. So that's how it came to be. Ted, Thank you also for your complimentary remarks. To address the double use of dearest, I had tried other adjectives which worked just as well but these lines are feminine endings and were already double end rhymes. By putting dearest there, it gives the feel of a quadruple rhyme.  I thought I liked that.Well, for both of you, I put those features in by design, thinking they would be good. Now you're breaking my heart and deflating my ego (j/k)  Seriously, I value both your opinions highly and will consider.Thanks so much for your input. Pete |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
I love that quadruple rhyme feel. Perhaps if you changed the first dearest to clearest it would still have that same feel while giving those lines a bit more interest. What do you think? I also tripped over 'spoils to toil'.....those two words even seperately tend to be tongue twisters and together they seem more so. Maybe if they were seperated by a few words somehow they would flow a little easier. It would be a shame not to be able to use the internal rhyme that they provide. This is a very beautiful sonnet, Pete. I love it! Denise |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Pete~ I hate to admit it but I'm another person with a problem with the "toils to spoil" line. The one before it, didn't win me over either. This is a good "work in progress" piece and so far I like what you've got. It's that first/second stanza. Hmmm. There's that damn word "cruel" again. (grins) Seriously, Rod Stewart has a song where he sings, "time is a thief" and maybe that kind of metaphor might work for you throughout the entire sonnet? Something like, (paraphrasing) "For time works non-stop each day to steal the best from us, it still can't pinch one iota of your charm...etc, etc. Anyway, just some ideas that passed to me, feel free to stomp them with heavy boots or change them. You're the author not me. best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 04-11-2000).] |
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db Junior Member
since 2000-03-28
Posts 13 |
Pete, Not to be different, but I really don't mind the toils to spoils line. I think the alliteration with spares overcomes that. In the same line I would make 'no one' 'not one'. It seems to help the meter somehow to me. What did bother me was the second line which I don't think anyone mentioned yet. 'For far..." that's a little bothersome. But other than that, I like it. I like the sonnet form. Nice. Moving without being sappy. Dan |
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Darin Junior Member
since 2000-04-02
Posts 17 |
I like your poem. You words flow together great. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks to all for your help. It seems like we are reaching a concensus ont the "toils to spoil" phrase. I guess it has to go and there are several alternative wordings which would say the same thing. I wanted the internal rhyme and the alliteration of spoil/spare. Maybe that was just a little overdone or maybe, as Denise said, it is a bit of a tongue twister. Anyway, I'll fix it. It seems that you and I are alone on this one, Dan. Now about the double use of dearest. I'm really reluctant to give that one up because dearest not only adds to the rhyme, it also is the exact meaning I want, or think I want. If it really is bad then I could possibly substitute dearest feature/fairest creature. (Denise, I dont think your wording quite fits my intent.) More advice is eagerly sought here  Thanks again. Pete |
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