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By Lantern's Light (Rewritten)
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By Lantern's Light (Rewritten) |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania 
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By Lantern’s Light The summer air had scents of rain The oak held swaying limb And brilliance of the marigold Was quickly growing dim The lawn turned black as evening came The woods were blacker still The little log house nestled in Against the wooded hill And then a furious bolt of lightening Speared the nearby trees The thunder clapped and shook the earth And brought me to my knees How could this house of stuccoed log Aged hundred years or more And painted white with roof of tin Withstand the rage of Thor But I was only eight years old And frightened to the bone This place of stream with rainbow trout No longer seemed my home The great oak tree took monstrous shape The woods were not my friend And I could but imagine this To be the planet’s end But he sat calmly on the porch With ink pen in his hand And never stopped from scrolling words That flowed at his command The porch light dimmed and then went black But in the flashing roar He slowly made his way towards The old wood cellar door Then moments later he emerged With oil lamp alit And came back to the sheltered porch Where he would always sit He kept on writing poetry Despite the thunderous night And never seemed to notice That I trembled there in fright The crickets, owl and tree frogs Were silenced from within As rains fell loud and heavy On the sheltering roof of tin I closely watched my father’s hands In glow of lantern light And somehow felt his calming warmth Through terrors of the night I huddled near him blanketing coolness From the pouring rage He slowly turned and glanced my way And handed me the page And as I read the lines he wrote Of lovely poetry My tears reflected lantern’s glow For this was meant for me It said no storm or hurricane Nor mighty hand of Thor Could ever take me from his side Where I was safe and warm I never would forget that night And how he calmed my fears My father’s face in lantern’s light Still glows throughout the years Elizabeth Santos [This message has been edited by Elizabeth Santos (edited 03-28-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Elizabeth Santos - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Please let me know frankly if this is what you mean by a "Roses are Red" poem. Liz |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi LIz, I don't think even calloused old JB would call this a "Roses Are Red poem." Sure you could say it was a little semtimental, but what the heck, surely we have all done that, or wish we had. I personally enjoyed it very much. Now I assume you wanted more than just a direct answer to your stated question when you posted in CA, so here is my critical take. All the above applies here also but I found a couple of slight problems I would like to see fixed. You have consistently used what I believe is a ballad form with a couple of discrepancies. Fortunately they can be easily repaired, which I would prefer. "For he was writing poetry His mind was lost at sea He never once took notice [of] The fright inside of me" Moved Of from 4th to third line. "Then moments later he emerged With oil lamp [now] alit And came back to the sheltered porch Where he would always sit" Second line would flow better with another syllable in the second foot, not necessarily the one I added. "The rains came down and drowned [The summer] Evening serenade Of crickets, owl and tree frogs Who were silenced in the glade" Moved a foot from the 2nd to the 1st line. Thanks Liz. I think all fathers would love for their daughters to write this for them. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: "Calloused old JB?" Who do you think you're calling old, gramps?  Elizabeth: I would not consider this a "Roses are Red" poem, by the way. It is sentimental but that doesn't matter to me too much if a piece is well written. Sometimes sentimentality comes across as being trite but I don't think your's is flawed in this way. The one suggestion I would offer is that you trim this down a little bit. The first seven stanzas are fine and I see a definite development in theme. But, and this is only my opinion, I think the following stanzas could be made a little more concise. Maybe some could be combined. Overall, I like the message, the wording and the theme. I also like the Thor "God of Thunder" reference. It, I think, added to the impact of the terrifying storm. And I liked the rather unconventional way in which you described your father's strength. Thanks. Jim |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Liz, I loved this! It paints a beautiful picture, although Jim's and Pete's advice should be well-taken. I would not consider this a "Roses are Red" poem...it has much more depth and feeling, even if it is sentimental (I am, too). A wonderful tribute to your father, and a clear picture of a different way of showing love, caring, and dedication. Very good work, Liz, Kris P.S. Jimteach, I'll defend you... Pete, remember that wonderful, sweet poem about his son? < !signature--> the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-27-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Oh yes, I do. Sorry Jim, I take back anything unflattering I might have said about you  Thanks, Kris, for pointing out my error.Pete |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
L~ This is a traditional "round the campfire" style poem that is not easy to do well. Any improvements I would suggest would be minor word choices. I think the weakest stanza is the first. Too many "had's" for my taste. The air had scents of summer rain The oak had swaying limb And I had frightening thoughts of the Impending storm within Suggestion The summer air it reeked of rain The oak had swaying limb No insects flew about in fear of clouds, so bold and thundering. I don't know if this messes up your rhyme or meter, just trying to get you out of the "hads". I loved "speared" the trees. Also watch the words "then" and "suddenly". I had a poetry instructor who used to circle these words with red pen and challenge you with "do you really need this?" (He thought that they were words for lazy writers.) Example:Then suddenly he looked at me And handed me the page Perhaps? He turned and calmly gazed at me And handed me the page *************************** As I said, I enjoyed this poem. bboog |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Pete, Thank you for taking the time to comment so thoroughly on this poem. I have written a couple of poems of this nature, and I'm glad to know some don't consider this "roses are red". Anyway, I took your suggestions and made some changes. I understood what you meant. I'm still unsure about the word"oil". In my dialect, it has two syllables, but in Charleston it would have only one. And so I think it could go either way, unless there's a consensus in poetic circles as to how to treat diphthongs. I don't know the answer. Thanks so much for your kind remarks. Liz Jim. Thank you for your input. I did as you suggested and eliminated or changes several verses, so it's not as drawn out. I think it's better. I appreciate your comments so much. Liz Kris, Your remarks are very kind. I'm glad you liked this poem. Seems we both like romantic and sentimenal. I did appreciate all the input and made several changes to the poem. Thanks, Kris bboog. Your suggestions were also excellent. I did change the first verse. I also thought your remarks about words like "then" and "suddenly" very interesting. And I made a few changes and it's true, you do come up with more interesting phrases. Thanks so much for your comments Liz |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
L~ I liked your changes and hate to nag but I still think that you need to work on the first stanza. Here is my quibble. The words, "impending storm within" seems like the storm is going to be taking place inside the person's head. When actually, you probably mean to refer to the frightening thoughts within. Translated, it should read And I had frightening thoughts within of the impending storm. I think that it might be more interesting to delete these two lines. Use other images of an impending storm. Birds stop chirping. Fish jump out of the water. Please note, you might be thinking that I want to foreshadow the frightening thoughts of the 8 year old. Liz, your writing is strong enough in stanzas two and three to allow you the luxury, I think, of fitting a flock of ideas into the lines in stanza one and still the poem works. So allow the storm to build a little bit. Show us, don't tell us. The rest of this poem is, I think, as smooth as silk. best regards, bboog |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
bboog, I really appreciate your taking the time to explain things to me. I agree, I don't need "impending storm" when it becomes quite obvious. And my fright also is soon revealed. I'm still having trouble with the first verse. But your explainations are wonderful and I have learned quite a bit in the short time I've posted here. Muito obrigada Liz |
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