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An Autumn Stroll
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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An Autumn Stroll |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
An Autumn Stroll By bboog I am taking a walk today Will you come with me? It is late September There is so much to see. Annuals are dying. Perennials too. Changing leaves. Turning colors Rusty red, burnished orange, sienna And sepia-extra crispy. Beautiful as fall in Massachusetts. And all the shrubs and bushes and vines All have leaves of different kinds. Some will brown in feign of death Then come back to life like Lazarus in the spring time. That’s when trees will blossom, Popcorn on branches. New flowers sown in the black of the earth. Scarlet, orange, buttercup There will be Fruit on trees. And birds Every size, shape and color some with feathers brilliant, others duller Baby birds too. Mothers, fathers and chickadees Will eat the fruit and distribute seeds which will grow into a newly budded geometry. So as we stroll together now, Our hearts bundled up like our coats We watch autumn's tart and citric colors glow, And realize This fall season too shall pass, Like everything else we know. [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-29-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hey BBoog, This is a nice experience. Good images and choice of words. One thing bothers me, however. It seems that you move back and forth between structure and free verse. It may be just me but that is troublesome. I know rhyme and meter is my thing and when you start out that way, I kind of get in a mode. Then when it becomes free, I kind of get lost. I know I haven't expressed this very well and it's probably just me anyway. I would be interested in your thinking here. Thanks. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Hi Pete, Thanks for reading and commenting on this poem. To try to explain the free verse/meter/rhyme thing, I guess I'm guilty of exploring. Sometimes I try to move in a direction that's not presently in vogue? Does that make sense? This is a piece that I after I wrote it, I called a friend and said, "First, I want you to close your eyes." Then I read it aloud. I didn't even read the title. At the end, she said, "What was it about?" I answered, "A religious experience. You don't have to be in church to feel the presence of God." Then she said, "Read it to me again." And when I'd finished she said, "It's wierd, but I got the feeling that it was about something deeper. Like death and rebirth. Maybe because parts of it rhymed and other parts didn't, it seemed to take me to a deeper almost subconscious level." Since that response was better than the reaction I was hoping to get, I didn't change the sing-songness (is that a word?) of this poem. So, feel free to read it to somebody and see what they say. I'd be interested, even if they think it's rubbish. Best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-24-2000).] |
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Bboog Some lines in this poem are brilliant. Line like Rusty red, burnished orange and sienna And "sepia-extra crispy." Some will brown in feign of death Then come back to life like Lazarus But I think that there are some lines that really detract from the beautiful images that you have Lines like And birds of every shape and feather and color I would take out the second and. The first two stanza are good. A re-write might make them even more tight. But the last stanza takes away from the poem. The only line that i really like is To sprout again and grow up to be… a newly budded geometry. Just my opinion See ya |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
T~ Thanks for reading and commenting. I will probably rewrite this one again (and maybe again and again ) until I feel satisfied with it. best regards, bboog |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
bboog, I loved the feel of the words in this poem, the autumn walk, the colors,the peacefulness of it. I do not feel that rhyme can detract from a free verse. In fact some inner rhyming can add dimension to the poem and highlight certain phrases, like those great lines : "Some will brown in feign of death Then come back to life like Lazarus" My opinion is that meter injected into a free verse interrupts the flow. In the Lazarus phrase it wouldn't matter because it's followed by "in the spring time" and so it continues to flow. But then the two lines above it are also in rhyme and meter, so it's kind of like a structured verse in the middle of a free verse. Your title is "A Religious Experience. Perhaps a stronger last verse with something somewhat powerful as to why this was a religious experience would be good. Even just one great line at the end. Walking in the "autumnness" can be a religiuos experience, by all means. And that's what I love about this poem. I know exactly what you're saying. I am a lover of nature. You've got the makings of an exceptional poem here. I would like to read your rewrite. Muito bem escrito, meu amigo Liz |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Hi Liz, Thank you for reading and commenting. On Sunday, I received a telephone call from a client in the movie biz who invited me to attend a post-Oscar party in Hollywood. So instead of watching the Oscars and Barbara Walters like everybody else, I ventured down to Hollywood to this party. There were TV's everywhere and my wife and I met/sat with some celebs but I didn't have the guts to ask for autographs. And unfortunately the photos I took that night didn't come out as either my flash not working very well or the place was too dimly lighted. (Probably both) A fun and interesting experience. (P.S. I did rewrite and change the poem, and I'm much happier with it now. Thanks for your imput.) best regards, bboog [This message has been edited by bboog (edited 03-28-2000).] |
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