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you and I
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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you and I |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
you and I when in the morning thru opaque light eyes just open no boundaries you and I As the day is trodden thru purchased light minds eye open no limitations you and I After the day stops reeling thru transparent night eyes barely open no restraints you and I |
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| © Copyright 2000 Tom Walborn - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Tony Di Bart Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 160Toronto, Canada |
Hello Tom Like your poem. However, in each stanza i noticed something, or what i interpret, the opening is splendid. Each stanza starts out with wonderful images and then each one falls flat. It's as if each ending is anti-climatic. See ya |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Tom: I am, more or less, in agreement with Tony if you consider your poem stanza by stanza. Your beginning lines are very strong but it seems that the effect weakens as I read toward "you and I" in each stanza. But I think the subtle movement of you poem from one stanza to the other is redemptive. when in the morning / As the day is trodden / After the day stops reeling thru opaque light / thru purchased light / thru transparent night eyes just open / minds eye open / eyes barely open no boundaries / no limitations / no restraints you and I / you and I / you and I I appreciated the subtlety and deliberateness of your word choice here. Nice work. I enjoyed this. Jim |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Tony and Jim Thanks for your critique,always good to hear from the upper echelon.I tried to convey simplification,as if ones mind wanders from start to finish of each stanza.I will,as always keep workin on it. Thanks guys!!! tom |
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