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Character sketch inspired by true story
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Character sketch inspired by true story |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I saw this documentary on this teenager who killed his mum, after years of her abusing him, verbally and physically, and i was just struck at how normal the kid was. His sister and father forgave him for it as if it was an inevitability. Really weird, but the guy who did it just totally inspired me, so the following are his emotions when it happened, after years of restraint and taking it, he lashes out once, and ends up killing his mum. He was charged with 2nd degree murder, and is in jail, but is a normal guy, i mean he comes from an upper middle class family, comes off as a loving brother and son without a bad bone in him. Just one moment where he lashed out, he committed a crime as a result of his repression. So he was feeling relief and anguish almost interchangeably, as he described it. Anyway, enough preliminaries, hope there is something. Mum Stop it Okay I know… Yeh, but Stop it I can’t do this Mum I can’t JUST LEAVE ME LEAVE ME ALONE I wasn’t yelling It was just Wait..no Stop it Ow That hurts Enough Get away from me I can’t do this Anymore I’ve had it Just maybe If we think about it You know Spend some time away I’m leaving I have to Don’t Stop it I can’t Mum Why are you doing this Leave me alone Just LEAVE ME ALONE Please Mum ….. Please Ju Just..enough Enough Okay OKAY No… MUM I CAN I CAN’T DO THIS.. **** OFF (oh my god) (oh my f#% god) (Jesus mum) (I’m sorry) (what am I going to tell the cops) (It was an accident) It didn’t have to be this way DAMMIT MUM Why. Why did you hit me I couldn’t Not anymore I couldn’t I’m sorry I just couldn’t Do this anymore Its over Mum Its over Enough.. (breathe) (breathe) (breathe) (relax she’s gone) (She’s gone) (Yes! she’s gone) (SHE’S GONE!) (Oh my god she’s gone) DAMMIT MUM DAMMIT MUMMM….. |
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| © Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Marc, Very emotional...well-done! The format added to the building tension right along with the words. Repressed feelings are the cause for many, many incidents of violence, though most don't end as this one did. You've shown how they can sit in the subconscious like a time-bomb, needing just the right spark to set them off. Very nice work, Marc, Kris the poet's pen...gives to airy nothing A local habitation and a name ~ Shakespeare |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
WOW. I got very wrapped up in this patch. It plays true. Even without the prologue, which I deeply appreciated, the repression and anger, the consequence rang very true. Perhap (and this is a humble suggestion) you could work the opening into a poem. A separate work...a story. Perhaps not. It's an idea. Your poem and play of the emotion is extremely powerful on its own. Great Work Poet. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Thank you both so much for your positive feedback. I wasn't sure if it would be too much to handle, because of the subject. Normally I'm not interested in something such as this but if you could have just seen this teenager, i don't know, he just seemed so normal and kind, and loving. Just an interesting study. Haze, yeh its a good idea to write a separate poem, there are so many facets to something like this, that i just might give it a shot. I just find the teenager so damn interesting, that i'll probably work on him some more. Thanks for the encouragement. Marc |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Marc: I agree with the lovely and talented poets, Kris and Haze, that this is good work. Some might argue that the wording is a little flat but I think this added to the realism of the boy's thoughts. Who REALLY thinks in "poetic" language anyway?  Seriously, your format and wording kept the poem moving and it kept me interested. Hey ... that is quite the challenge in these distracted days of mine.  Have you tried writing a sonnet yet, btw? Just curious.Jim |
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Elizabeth Santos Member Rara Avis
since 1999-11-08
Posts 9269Pennsylvania |
Marc I was captivated from top to bottom. I thought the format fit the poem. It was not objectional material since it was so well done. The dialogue and thoughts were so realistic, I found myself breathing those breaths. You captured the emotions of the moment. Superb, in my book Liz |
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