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Guarded Castle
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Guarded Castle |
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Scarlet Lady Member
since 2000-02-11
Posts 242Midwest 
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Guarded castle formed by towering walls, I almost drown struggling to get past it's mote. Its cold and hard barrier stops me in my tracks, No life is aroused within this hardened mass. What has fixed this stone that is set so rigidly? Desperately, I search for a room with some warmth. Some light that could deflect it's frozen gaze. Nothing stirs, Nothing beats. Who has locked this door and thrown away the key? What will melt this icy thorn lodged so deeply? This frigidness chills me to the bone. Leaves me shivering, Naked from the light of day. I find no refuge here in your demense. [This message has been edited by Illusion (edited 03-12-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Lynne - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Illusion: This is interesting. It seems to be a metaphor for someone who is unresponsive to efforts to show love. I would recommend that you not use elipses ("...") because they tend to be distracting. A single period effects a decent pause and if you want a longer one try another line break. "It's" in Line 3 should be "Its", the possessive of "it" not needing an apostrophe. I'm curious. What is the "earthen clay"? When I picture a castle surrounded by a mote I see water, stone and some wood but not clay. To what are you alluding to with "earthen clay"? "What has fixed this stone that is set so rigid?" Since "rigid" seems to be modifying "set", I suggest using the adverb form "rigidly". The same with "deep" in the second line of the third stanza. "Who has locked this door and thrown away the key?" This line seemed a little cliched to me. "Soul" in the second to last line is one of those words that should be used with care in poetry because it is often overused to overstate a feeling. I think this line would read stronger if you simply dropped "in my soul". "Naked" and "bare" mean the same thing so I would suggest choosing one. I think the brevity of the amended line would have more impact than all of the current words together. Just my opinion. I like the last line except for "abode" simply because the sound doesn't seem right to me. This is only my personal opinion, however, because there is nothing technically wrong with using abode. You may want to consider either "domain" or, if you are shooting for a more medieval look, "demense" (pronounced "di-main"). Good job. I enjoyed the metaphors. With a little polishing this is a fine poem. Thanks for the read. I liked this. Jim [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 03-12-2000).] |
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Scarlet Lady Member
since 2000-02-11
Posts 242Midwest |
Hello Jim! Thank you for your very concise critique, I appreciated it. I was fascinated by your idea's, although to you it might of been a general response. I am new to this arena, although I have been writing for years from the "heart". I really do not attest to having much knowledge at all to the forms of poetry, or even the english language. I am painfully aware that it shows up too often, but that has not dampened my spirit to write. I have a passion for it! Saying all of that, I only wish to communicate a little of my writing background. Since I have been here, I have devoured the "constructive" criticism of some, but not all. Yours was eaten alive for it's wonderful idea's and the grace in which it was given. You are very correct in your interpretation of the poem. The poem is to reflect trying to crawl beyond the walls we all encounter at times, with those who will not let their emotions or heart be realized. Ok, now on to the earthen clay. Well since I am talking about the human heart here, I felt to use earthen clay as a methaphor vs. stone because we are all likened to clay. "Who has locked this door and thrown away the key?" Cliched?? Maybe you can explain further? And lastly, when I used the term "soul", I used that as the core of a person. The very center of emotions. I liked your idea of using demense instead of abode, something I would of never considered except for this forum. I will rethink the poem as I ponder your suggestions. Once again I appreciate your taking the time to critique this work, and give me your honest and valued opinion! Lynne |
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