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Moments Shared With You
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Moments Shared With You |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I really didn't intend to post this one but I keep getting comments about my pen name. So this is where it comes from. Also, for JB, she is back.  Although this one can be read stirctly iambic, I think you lose something if you do so. There are some feet which just beg to be spondee. Left them speak out as such and IMHO the poem sounds and feels much better.Moments Shared With You Each stolen moment I have shared with you Adds untold pleasure to my every day, I treasure every thing you say and do, Enjoy your dearest friendship every way. I sipped the liquor from your sultry voice, Was hopelessly entranced by radiant smile, And spellbound by your charm - I had no choice - Bewitched in helpless passion all the while. Oh precious times, a smile, a touch, a kiss, How tragic now that lovers we can't be, But if dear friends we linger after this, My love, then all will not be lost to me. A poet I am not, my muse expired, Tho', by a goddess, once I was inspired. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-06-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Pete, One of the "Goddess" works...and a very well done one at that. Like I said before, I can't really comment on the tech side, but it sure seemed to have perfect rhythm, with excellent word choices. Little sad, though. You bring up a difficult question...can people be "just" friends after they've been lovers? I think for most that would be extrememly difficult, especially if there were residual feelings for the other. Very nice work, Pete, Kris A Marrowless Assembly, Is culpabler than shame ~ Emily Dickinson |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Pete: Smooth and well-thought out with a nice message. I would suggest that you change the "lovers we can't be" part to "friends we must be" (but that's just me). Also delete the comma after "you say" (not necessary). I liked it. bboog |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks bboog, You're absolutely right about the comma. You made me look at it again and I discovered some semi-colons which should go also. But lovers has to stay. As I hinted, this was not a new poem and I guess I just got lazy and failed to properly proofread it before posting  Shame on me for that. I'll go fix those problems right now, hopefully before anyone else catches them.Dearest Kristine, You are always so sweet. I can't think of anyone I would rather please with my humble attempts at writing. You, like me, must also be a hopeless romantic.  Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: So, finally, the revelation! I read this a while back and apologize for being so late to this. I look forward to these chapters in the goddess saga, Pete. How are you coming on your Epic, btw? "Each stolen moment I have shared with you Adds untold pleasure to my every day, I treasure every thing you say and do, Enjoy your dearest friendship every way." I thought that you could shoot for less common rhymes in your first quatrain. I actually like the simplicity here too. I think its understatement compliments the following lines. "I sipped the liquor from your sultry voice, Was hopelessly entranced by radiant smile, And spellbound by your charm - I had no choice - Bewitched in helpless passion all the while." I really liked "... sipped the liquor ...". I though "dazzling" would work better with "entranced". I kinda stumbled over not having a possessive pronoun prior to "radiant smile." Not sure about "helpless passion" either. Perhaps "Bewitched by spells of passion all the while". Just a suggestion. "Oh precious times, a smile, a touch, a kiss, How tragic now that lovers we can't be, But if dear friends we linger after this, My love, then all will not be lost to me." I like these lines but think you could omit "My love" in place of more descriptive language. Perhaps "Then all my hope [or joy] will not be lost to me". "A poet I am not, my muse expired, Tho', by a goddess, once I was inspired." I liked the couplet. Very strong ending, Pete. So ... when can we expect the next one? Jim |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Jim, Thanks for the thorough critique. I pretty much have to agree with all the weaknesses you pointed out. I guess I got in too much rush to get this one posted. Now, to address your points specifically: 1st quatrain, "I thought that you could shoot for less common rhymes in your first quatrain. I actually like the simplicity here too. I think its understatement compliments the following lines." The rhymes do seem common and simple but so is the whole quatrain and I think I would leave that rather than complicating it. 2nd quatrain, "I really liked "... sipped the liquor ...". I though[t] "dazzling" would work better with "entranced". I kinda stumbled over not having a possessive pronoun prior to "radiant smile." Not sure about "helpless passion" either. Perhaps "Bewitched by spells of passion all the while". Just a suggestion. I too was always bothered by the missing pronoun but just couldn't seem to find a suitable workaround (laziness, I'm afraid). Dazzling would work (I asume you mean in place of radiant) and would eliminate a problem some might have with the dipthong or near extra syllable but still doesn't solve the pronoun problem. I think I like where you seem to be going with the last line. 3rd quatrain, "I like these lines but think you could omit "My love" in place of more descriptive language. Perhaps "Then all my hope [or joy] will not be lost to me". Again, you're absolutely right. "My love" feels a little awkward but I thought I liked it anyway. It is, however, just a fill to get the syllable count. Something along the lines you suggest should be substituted. Thanks, Jim, for all your help on this as well as others in the past. I will go right to work on correcting and, if it looks better, will add the corrected version in a day or so. Now, as for the epic: man, it beats me, in more ways than one. I have been working on a longer poem that I might try to slip through (most likely she will catch me), it's a narrative but I don't think it could be classified as an epic though. We'll see what happens. And, the next goddess chapter may be coming soon. Thanks again. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Hello. I enjoyed reading this piece and I think Jim did a wonderful job with his critique. I have trouble enough with form myself so I will leave the tech stuff to the experts..lol. What I do know is the feel of a poem and I liked the feel to this on. You expressed yourself quite well. Good job. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry to bring this one back to the top today but it really wasn't finished before. Thanks for the nice compliment Marilyn. And thanks Jim for your great critique. I have tried to incorporate or paraphrase most of your suggestions to improve this poem. As I said before, I had to agree with every fault you found. So, here is the "corrected version". I think it's the best I can do with this one for now. Moments Shared With You Each stolen moment I have shared with you Adds untold pleasure to my every day, I treasure every thing you say and do, Enjoy your dearest friendship every way. I sipped the liquor from your sultry voice, Adored the essence of your radiant smile, Was spellbound by your charm – I had no choice – Bewitched by love and passion all the while. Oh precious times, a smile, a touch, a kiss, How tragic now that lovers we can’t be, But if dear friends we linger after this Then all that’s dear would not be lost to me. A poet I am not, my muse expired, Tho’, by a goddess, once I was inspired. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
This is a good rewrite, Pete. I think you've succeeded in smoothing the read. Good work. Jim |
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tom Member
since 2000-01-26
Posts 90s/w penna u.s.a. |
Yes,I like the (tweeked) version better. Seemed to roll off the tounge easier,yet "helpless passion"(we've all been there) was your first choice,did add the out of control thing.I guess hearts are hearts.Good work. "Each stolen moment",was she married? |
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LittleBoyLost Junior Member
since 2000-03-14
Posts 28 |
It is nice to know people are still writing sonnets and better that people are still writing good sonnets. This is definitely one of the better ones I've read in a long time. I agree with jbouder and tom that the rewrite is better. Thank you. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Jim, Thanks for your help in getting this thing right (or more right anyway). Tom, I see what you mean now about the forcefulness of "helpless passion". It was my first choice and actually does come closer to the intent. But the current softened version does read a little better and says the same thing though with less pizzazz I think. On your other question, I have posted several of these things ove the past few months. I'll leave it to you to interpret them as you see fit. LittleBoyLost, Thanks so much for the compliment. I'm just glad that there are still some out there who appreciate sonnets. It was almost beginning to seem like a lost cause. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Master Senior Member
since 1999-08-18
Posts 1867Boston, MA |
Oooohh... how much I love sonnets! And this one was no exception! "I sipped the liquor from your sultry voice"-- my favorite line... Great image! I also loved the ending! MY only suggestion would be to look over line 6. It doesn't flow very well... perhaps its just me! Anyway, really enjoyed this one, Thanks! |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hello there,i'm glad i read this--i loved the simplicity(sometimes you just want to read a good poem that's straightforward and direct and not think too much) i'm sorry but i much prefer "helpless passion" rather than "love and passion".though the latter flows better,the word "helpless" tells the reader something more about the state of the poet's feelings...and i think the reader will want that ")or at least i do...Ha!!"but if dear friends we linger after this, My love,then all will not be lost to me" i really liked these lines...Hmmm...How the poet must have loved her....Heart-wrenching for moi thanx for the read...may i say what a sonnet is and how to go about writing one? ") |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Master and Kaile, Thanks for your comments and suggestions. Master, I suspect you refer to radiant in line 6. Well, dazzling has been suggested but radiant is really the right word. I agree it's almost an extra syllable but can also be read almost as just two. I think this is one of those little stretches we sometimes need to allow ourselves. Kaile and also Tom, you are both right about "helpless passion." It really does have the right connotation. Although "love and passion" is smoother, it would not take much more thought to make me restore it to the original. So don't be "sorry" for that opinion, I am beginning to feel the same way. Thanks so much for your input on this matter. Thanks all. < !signature--> Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 03-16-2000).] |
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Diana B Member
since 2000-03-10
Posts 97 |
both lovely versions give my heart a sigh...so very beautiful fluid and full of deeply felt sentiments... a sigh again for this lovely sonnet |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
To Marilyn (you know I just love to pick on you): "Hello. I enjoyed reading this piece and I think Jim did a wonderful job with his critique. I have trouble enough with form myself so I will leave the tech stuff to the experts..lol. What I do know is the feel of a poem and I liked the feel to this on. You expressed yourself quite well. Good job." First, the 'tech stuff' is not the only thing to worry about. This poem made you feel but you haven't told us anything else yet. I'm not criticizing you at all, I just want to know more of what you feel. If you're not sure, take a stap in the dark and see what happens. Follow your instincts. Brad |
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