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Critical Analysis #1
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Stopping By a Corner (On a Hot Afternoon)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Stopping By a Corner (On a Hot Afternoon) |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
Whose faces these are I think I know- I saw them just a short time ago Heading east on Lyons Avenue. And now they head west in the mid-day sun. A dark-skinned lady with two toddler sons, five grocery bags And a skinny husband. Struggling together they travel slow and I think that they have far to go before they sleep. I see them pause over at the corner, panting slightly, like they need water. I beep my horn to catch their eye then lower my window and offer them a ride. They murmur "thank you" and smile as they pile in. Smelling of sweat, and grime and spilt-milk stench Grateful for my air-conditioned oppulence. We ride silent for about two miles and three whole blocks They ask me, please, if I can stop. So I do, and they get out. Thank me, "gracias", and take their bags As I leave, they give me a wave. So I start riding again, down this road of life. No two paths before me upon which to choose. Only pavement everywhere. It's what I choose to do each day that counts. What I choose to do. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Robert Boog - All Rights Reserved | |||
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hello, I genuinely liked this poem, although you may get some heat about it being too much like prose. Wonderful imagery accomplished with simple, down to earth wording. "Struggling together they travel slow and I think that they have far to go before they sleep." I liked this a lot, even though the second line is very close to Frost's, "miles to go before I sleep". Nice, solid ending ... a good read, Kristine P.S. Typo on opulence... < !signature--> All that we see or seem - Is but a dream within a dream ~ Edgar Allan Poe [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 03-02-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
This backfired a bit for me. When I started reading, I got so excited by what it seemed you were doing . . . a modern variant on a favorite Robert Frost poem . . . that I was disappointed when you dropped the close parallel meter and content for a looser style. The poem, as it is, is well done, but I was hoping for something else, and the later lines' reference to another Frost poem reminded me of that. Don't misunderstand me, this is a good poem, good message. But I'd *also* like to see that other poem I thought I was about to read. Hint, hint? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
bboog (how do you pronounce that?): I too genuinely enjoyed this poem but you won't get any poetry/prose arguments out of me here (am I just being paranoid or do I keep seeing "by Jim" written between the lines on all of these predictions of imminent poetry vs. prose debates?).  What I wonder about this one is why you decided to suspend the rhyme scheme after Line 9? It seems as though you go from writing lyrically to a free-verse format. I agree with Kris (warmhrt) that you have a good, solid ending here (freedom to serve ... interesting touch). Later. Jim |
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Kirk T Walker Member
since 2000-01-13
Posts 357Liberty, MO |
I agree with most of what has been said, especially what Ted and Jim have said about the rhyme scheme. I thought this was a very nice poem. I would lose the second Frost reference (two roads) all together, it just seemed like a little too much. Overall though, I really enjoyed this poem. Well done. |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
To Warmhrt,Ted,jbouder and Kirk: Thank you for taking your time to read and comment on this poem. And Ted I know how you feel. You want more of an exact rhyme and meter of the original poem. Many people have felt that way too - on this and other poems that I've written. What I've found, however, is that when I use only a little idea of an old favorite and then try to create an original poem around it, the old rhyme/meter no longer works for what I'm trying to accomplish. It's like a rap song where only a few bars are used of the old favorite and new words/mood created. Anyway, thank you for your comments. They were appreciated. bboog |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
bboog: Just curious, you did such a good job maintaining the lyrical quality of the first nine lines of the poem then stopped. I KNOW you have the ability to write the rest of the poem with the same quality as the first nine lines. Why not invest the time and see if this is possible? I think I run into similar difficulties when I write lyrical poetry. More often then not I can get the rhythm and the rhyme right but it often takes days for me to do this. I encourage you to rework the end of this piece. You have a good theme that I think would be made better if you continued to plug away at the format. Just my opinion. So ... when's your next one coming? Jim P.S. Can't quite remember where Valencia, CA is (I'm thinking you must be close to the High Desert). I spent a year in Anaheim going to school. I really miss the In & Out Burgers. Later. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Excellent writing, i really liked this. Especially your new perspective on an older poem. What i liked about the poem, was its present tense i.e. "Whose faces these are I think I know" In other words, you are describing as its happening, which i really enjoyed, it brought me in as a reader to understand the character. Excellent, thanks for the read. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
My God, I know where this is. I graduated from Saugus High School. I know Lyons avenue. I can see it. bboog, do you live there now? Brad |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
what an excellent first post. i could see, smell, touch every part of that family, and more of what an allegorical tale, perfectly parallel to the "road of life". phrases that i loved: Grateful for my air-conditioned oppulence. and I think that they have far to go before they sleep. (but is this a metaphor for death, or for financial security?) anyways, i thought this was a great poem |
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bboog Member
since 2000-02-29
Posts 303Valencia, California |
ToPassionsatchoulipumpkin, jbouder, Brad and Roxane: thank you all for your comments. It's gratifying to have somebody read my poems let alone comment or praise them. To Brad: yes I do live/work presently in Santa Clarita. I drove by Saugus high school yesterday. To jbouder: Valencia is about an hour and a half north of Anaheim. (Home of Six Flags Magic Mountain.) And yes, the double-doubles and french fries at Inn-n-Out are still decadently delicious! I did post another poem in the open forum? (Am not certain of the correct name and am afraid if I now press the back button I'll have to repost this message. It was the top box on the list. The poem is called "A Gift from Mom" and it's a favorite of mine as my mother is now dead. I posted it there because I wasn't sure where my poems would best fit on this Web site. Does that make sense?) To Roxane and patchoulipumpkin:warm regards for your kind words. Hopefully I'll be able to better navigate this site in the future. bboog |
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