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better this year.
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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better this year. |
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aurora rain Member
since 2000-11-15
Posts 90 |
i was exact this morning. fifty-five cents in change, heart clung to pocket in a leaden despair never here, never there-- never across the shore, like i'd hoped. and i didn't know. the calender never changes. the pages never turn. the year is never over but this year's love is like a dishtowel, binding, binding my hands to a promise across a heart i swore i could never reach a day i swore would never come a light i swore i'd never see a response so calculating i'd swear it came from someone else (was it something i said?) this year was the year i'd fall in love. encircled in black, the calendar's even marked. and then. i said nothing at all. because your eyes flew over mine the way pelicans do before a rain and your heart stumbled over mine the way angels stumble over sin. and nothing here fits but i promise. i'll be better this year. |
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| © Copyright 2001 aurora rain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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helen smith Member
since 2001-03-12
Posts 240 |
ohhhh each line got better and then better until the end was just perfect . Enthralled . |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Aurora first of all I loved the opening, "i was exact this morning. fifty-five cents in change, heart clung to pocket in a leaden despair never here, never there-- never across the shore, like i'd hoped." I would make one small change however to help the flow of the poem change " like i'd hoped." To "as I'd hoped" like is a harsh sounding word, rarely sits well in a poem, also using "as" means there is alliteration in line " never across the shore, as I'd hoped" Reading that line and the following line aloud I personally feel that "and I did not know" Is better than "didn't" too many abbreviations I feel. I like the image of the calendar and I think it would be better to make it one line, instead of separate pieces For example instead of: "the calender never changes. the pages never turn. the year is never over but" how about this " the calender never changes, its pages never turning a month never over" I changed year to month, the image of pages on a calender turning means months passing but if the pages do not turn then the month will not end and to me that seems more a powerful image than the year never ending. " this year's love is like a dishtowel, binding, binding my hands to a promise across" Ok I would get rid of the "like" change the image to a metaphor. And also I don't see the reason for the repeat of "binding" If it is for impact I don't think it works, I would suggest using a stronger word than binding "chaining" maybe something that gives the idea of being a prisoner or slave " a heart i swore i could never reach a day i swore would never come a light i swore i'd never see a response so calculating i'd swear it came from someone else (was it something i said?)" I feel that the lines "a day i swore would never come a light i swore i'd never see" are kind of weak, over used and maybe even cliché getting rid of them makes the verse far stronger, " a heart i swore i could never reach response so calculating i'd swear it came from someone else (was it something i said?)" those lines are powerful poetry. " this year was the year i'd fall in love. encircled in black, the calendar's even marked." I like the image but I feel that you are spelling out the poem for me, It does tie up the image of the calender in the poem, but it is written too direct. This is only a suggestion: "The calender year encircled in black, This calender year I fell in love" It really needs something more poetic, you have the talent. You just need to play around with images more add an edge to them. " your eyes flew over mine the way pelicans do before a rain and your heart stumbled over mine the way angels stumble over sin. and nothing here fits" This is what I am talking about, more of this, please. What an image. " your eyes flew over mine the way pelicans do before a rain" Honestly this is beautiful, this is poetry. If you could bring the rest of this poem to that standard Then you will have a great poem. All you have to do is spice some of those images up a bit. I hope you don't like me too brutal. Really I did enjoy the poem and your talent is evident. Look forward to reading more from you. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
aurora- this is an awesome poem. Before I say anything about it, I think I need to adress some of the points citizenx made. "I would make one small change however to help the flow of the poem change " like i'd hoped." To "as I'd hoped" I wouldn't. I think this is all wrong- it takes away the poignant in-your-face nature of this poem, its language, an its imagery. I think your reasoning is bad, too- "like" might be a bit harsh... but does the image of "leaden despair" fill you heart with butterflies? I think it's supposed to be harsh... and changing it to "as" would dull the effect. Now, the bit on alliteration- not true. Across, spelled phonetically (SP?) is UH-cross. As is spelled exactly how it looks. The a sound in as is not the same as the a sound in across... therefore, it wouldn't be good alliteration. I think the abbreviation of 'didn't' is fine as well.... once again, when I talk, I don't say 'did not' .... and this was a very realistic peice in terms of speech patterns. I also think "the calender never changes. the pages never turn. the year is never over but" is fine. The suggested revision is too bland... almost too civilized, if you get what I'm saying. Also, while he makes a notable point about it eing the month's (un)end as opposed to the years, using year didn't detract anything for me... but a month's end does symbolize something more real to most than a year... it's time to pay bills. So I would consider changing that, too. I would change your dishtowel simile to a metaphor too, just because I think metaphors are more powerful. But the repetition of binding worked for me fine... I agree about cutting out "a day i swore would never come a light i swore i'd never see" it just seems to add excess baggage which weakens the strength of the following statement, which is good. " this year was the year i'd fall in love. encircled in black, the calendar's even marked." yeah... work with this image more... give it a little more flavor and don't hit us too hard with it. Now, a few thing's I'll add. 'i was exact this morning.' The first thing I thought was damn. That is exactly what an opening line must do... it must drag me in, it must wow me, captivate me, stun me... it has to do something, and this is exactly the sort of thing I like- an off-the-wall phrasing coupled with concise, powerful wording. You had me right there. Awesome. 'fifty-five cents in change, heart clung to pocket in a leaden despair' The change image is good... I interpreted that the heart is clinging to the pocket change, that it's that desperate? Anyway.. good. Leaden despair could be renovated a bit, though... to bland. 'never here, never there-- never across the shore, like i'd hoped.' This is good, too... it gives the reader a break from images and metaphors but uses flow and repetition very well, creating a good desperate tone. 'binding my hands to a promise across a heart i swore i could never reach' I'm not sure I entirely understand this idea- if you swore you could never reach the heart, what's a promise doing there? How is it across it- how, and why is it there, and what's more... what is it? Is the promise the 'response so calculating'? If so, you need to work on a bit of transition... if not, just a line of explanation, just a taste of the whole picture, would help the reader a lot. The last stanza and finishing line are wonderful... great closing words... I really enjoyed this poem. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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