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You speak into the mirror and yet
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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You speak into the mirror and yet |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
This is a new format for me and tackles a weighty subject, I would really appreciate any feedback or advice. Thank you. ------------- You speak into the mirror and yet It will not reply, for you are voiceless as all the rest. Even your tongue is kept in reigns, its monologue will be censored again. You salute into the mirror and yet it will not submit, for you are a hollowed uniform regret, in the dormant house of sin the night and fog blitz your skin. The horrors of Auschwitz were televised today children now occupy the Nazi play. 31/07/01 ------------------------- "Adolf Hitler is still alive. I slept with her last night.Come out from behind that false moustache Adolf I know you are in there." Jim Morrison ------------------------- shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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| © Copyright 2001 citizenx - All Rights Reserved | |||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I have read and re-read this one, and it is as difficult to critique as it probably was for you to write. The forces of the darkest side of humanity are indeed still alive. The death of Hitler did not end the insanity. The eventual death of men like Saddam will not end it either. If I interpreted this correctly, you are saying this evilness lives on in child's play today. Sadly,I have to agree there is much darkness in the world. My focus remains on a belief that humankind is still an angry teenager, and if this angry teenager is allowed to mature gracefully and with love, perhaps someday child's play will center on love rather than hate. I think you tackled a difficult subject in a sensitive manner. No ripping necessary. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I am still learning to critique and as I speak this aloud, read and re-read, I am drawn a little closer to the images you have so easily [at least it looks like you just cast this out onto the waters] portrayed... the imagery is wonderful. I tried to see if you were using cliches and if you did, they all work. I would not have moved any punctuation, the whole of the poem is encompassing in its brevity, and if I were even a very young person, we are, unfortunately, inundated with the media, so even the stark underlying encryption of the Nazi's symbol is quite apparent. Well done! [It will be interesting to see after a few days here, the response you would get in either the Dark or Open forums]. |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
Mightnight sun, I rarely give insight or care to explain my poetry unless I am pushed to, but I will offer my views (and they are strictly my views on the poem). In the first draft of the poem the line about children and nazis was leaning towards a postive note, that children are unaware these evils, in their early years if brought up in warm surrounds they are innocences. It also doubles as the fact that Facist beliefs were taught to children of Germany and Russia during World war 2. I still have faith in humanity, even after more than 2,000 yrs of carnage. THank you for your reply. Karilea, "it looks like you just cast this out onto the waters" I am laughing, if only writing poetry were so easy. I was worried about clichés I am sure they are there many of them. I am worried about its coldness, not in emotion but in the way it is written I was hoping someone would be able to throw some light on this or put my fears to rest. I know all too well how the media can play things, I saw Natural Born Killers recently and if you can handle its gritty and stark presentation it makes some very valid points. I guess this poem comes from having seen the french documentary "the night and the fog" where the film makers went to the camps, there was some powerful and frightful images showing the horrors that went on in the Nazi camps. I know that Nazi Germany is the usual big target, and of recent years so is Iraq, and Serbian countries, but I do feel that while every country has a powerful armied force their hands too are stained with blood. shadows flicker sweet end tame dancing like crazy mourners" magazine [This message has been edited by citizenx (edited 08-12-2001).] |
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hush Senior Member
since 2001-05-27
Posts 1653Ohio, USA |
I like this. You're right, that it is coldly written... but then, that's what I'm not sure about. It works, but I do think that you could shorten some things, make double words into contractions, as well as tighten some phrasing up... Other than that, good images, dormant house of sin was kind of boring... anything but a house of sin... that phrase reminds me of Tales from the Crypt too much.  I really like the play on words at the end.... the word occupy is just bursting with innuendo... I love it. I eat only sleep and air -Nicole Blackman |
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citizenx Member
since 2001-07-31
Posts 189motorcade |
HI hush, Firstly I am glad for the second opinion on the coldness. I agree about the tightening of things. I guess I will have to find another word instead of sin, and also change skin too. Still I liked that image, more the "dormant house" part. I am glad the ending got the thumbs up, phew what a relief. I thought it might not fit with the rest of the poem, but sometimes it shouldn't, you, it is nice to have a twist at the end. ==================== You speak into the mirror and yet It will not reply, for you are voiceless as the rest. Your tongue's tied to reigns, of a monologue censored again. You salute into the mirror and yet it will not submit, to you are hollowed uniform regret. Your dormant house of silence, blitz the night and fog in violence The horrors of Auschwitz were televised today children now occupy the Nazi play. shadows flicker sweet end tame |
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