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Critical Analysis #1
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Bumpy Ride.. it's about how one see's life.. or me..
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Bumpy Ride.. it's about how one see's life.. or me.. |
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Wind Daria New Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 1 |
~Bumpy Ride~ Walking on a thinning rope..I.. Feel fine.. one minute then i'm lost Above the fire and the smoke Can't see where I dropped my courage at all Seeking redemption.. a savior to have mercy With willingness.. I'm struggling.. to hold onto my heart Before it burns to ashe Tracing outside the lines..my.. Eyes search frantically for truth Images ingrained in dust Come forth in life.. when I'm with you Some kind of kindess... rekindless all that's sacred Pouring out my pride.. unabashed by ... what's inside To make me regret Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. restlessness is overwhelming Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I need Never to faulter.. rise up young child.. grab tight.. it’s a bumpy ride.. Once found a true pearl..encased In what... bemuses young love Rushing to save her soul Latching onto hope for fear she would give up Fighting the anguish... the thickness cleared There was freedom.. devotion.. won against time Before death caught her Now I'm flinging ..my.. Arms to see what I will draw and.. Luck of the ages I wait For some solid way... to stand Seeing through hollow doors... it's now.. that I can see Harboring angels... I know.. follow my dance.. As I walk everyday Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. resentfulness is overwhelming Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I need Never to faulter.. rise up young child.. grab tight.. let's ride.. It’s this tattered and torn.. previously born… life that I carry Everyday I breath it’s essence is accounted for Waiting in some sort of line.. a cosmic whirpool Chaotic and unforseen Dripping wet.. hanging dry.. all that I’ve achieved But no one can see.. ten thousand years of defeat.. till we repeat.. oh.. till we repeat.. Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. resentfulness is overwhelming Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I need Never to faulter.. rise up young child.. grab tight.. it’s a bumpy ride.. Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. hoplessness is washing over me Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I can be Never to faulter.. stand tall young child.. grab tight.. enjoy the ride.. |
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| © Copyright 2000 Wind Daria - All Rights Reserved | |||
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
i have to sya that you are a very fine poet, this poem painted excellent images, and i enjoyed it alot. a few of the verses seemed a little forced but that's what you get with free verse. oh and what about the choruses? i think two at the end aren't necessary and if you're gonna have you should break every stanze...hey i don't know, i just know i liked it and welcome to passions rich-pa |
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rich-pa Member
since 2000-02-07
Posts 317New Orleans, Louisiana |
oh c$%^, my bad, the last stanza was different, i like it much better now =) |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello and welcome to Critical Analysis. I'd like to take this opportunity to explain a bit about C.A. The goal of most members is the improvement of their writing through poetry and the discussion of poetry (not only their work but also the work of others). It's important to remember that the critiques provided by most are only opinions of poetry and not based upon who that person is. With that said I'll begin my critique... "Walking on a thinning rope..I.. Feel fine.. one minute then i'm lost Above the fire and the smoke Can't see where I dropped my courage at all Seeking redemption.. a savior to have mercy With willingness.. I'm struggling.. to hold onto my heart Before it burns to ashe" I like the use of "..." in the first two lines, it gave the reader a sense of uncertainty but after that it just seemed to be a distraction. Consider adding commas and/or line breaks instead. Also consider chopping off "at all" on the end of line 4. "Tracing outside the lines..my.. Eyes search frantically for truth Images ingrained in dust Come forth in life.. when I'm with you Some kind of kindess... rekindless all that's sacred Pouring out my pride.. unabashed by ... what's inside To make me regret" Once again the "..." became distracting. You give a lot of words but very little descriptions in this stanza. For example, "Tracing outside the lines", what are the lines? "Search....frantically for truth", what truth are you searching for? "Images ingrained in dust", what images? Also in the previous stanza you talk of losing your courage now all of a sudden in this stanza you say that "pouring out my pride...unabashed...by what's inside". I found this stanza didn't really tell me anything and didn't paint any images either. "Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. restlessness is overwhelming Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I need Never to faulter.. rise up young child.. grab tight.. it’s a bumpy ride.." The first two and a half lines are kind of "hokey" in my opinion. Once again I didn't find this stanza really told me anything or showed me anything. "Once found a true pearl..encased In what... bemuses young love Rushing to save her soul Latching onto hope for fear she would give up Fighting the anguish... the thickness cleared There was freedom.. devotion.. won against time Before death caught her" The pearl thing is pretty cliched, consider changing it. I still don't really have a good idea what you are trying to say here. i understand the story line but not your descriptions. "Now I'm flinging ..my.. Arms to see what I will draw and.. Luck of the ages I wait For some solid way... to stand Seeing through hollow doors... it's now.. that I can see Harboring angels... I know.. follow my dance.. As I walk everyday" Again, I really can't find any solid meaning to this stanza. It seems to jump all over the place. "Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. resentfulness is overwhelming Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I need Never to faulter.. rise up young child.. grab tight.. let's ride.." I didn't find the repetition of this stanza worked for this poem. Consider leaving it out or rewriting it. "It’s this tattered and torn.. previously born… life that I carry Everyday I breath it’s essence is accounted for Waiting in some sort of line.. a cosmic whirpool Chaotic and unforseen Dripping wet.. hanging dry.. all that I’ve achieved But no one can see.. ten thousand years of defeat.. till we repeat.. oh.. till we repeat.." Interesting take on reincarnation. Still the wording and gramatics seemed to maybe need a little tightening. "Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. resentfulness is overwhelming Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I need Never to faulter.. rise up young child.. grab tight.. it’s a bumpy ride.." This stanza again seemed unnecessary. "Hold me into the sunlight Let pureness wash over me Darkened circles of anger.. hoplessness is washing over me Make me believe it.. what I am.. is all that I can be Never to faulter.. stand tall young child.. grab tight.. enjoy the ride.." And I guess you can figure out what I'd say about this stanza as well  I'm getting the impression that this poem is meant to be a song. What often works as a song doesn't always seem to work as poetry. It's important that you try to make each and every word count in a poem because there is no music nor voice to help back up the expression of thoughts and ideas. I can't say I really enjoyed this poem but that's just my little'ol opinion so please don't be discouraged from posting more of your work. This place is all about growth as a writer and from my personal experience it has helped my emmensely. Thanks for sharing this and I look forward to reading some more of your work in the future. Take care, Trevor |
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