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Last Day of School
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Last Day of School |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
The last day of school, Bright yellow buses and wood-paneled wagons Waiting; Under construction paper clouds, I watched you from the playground, My blacktop kickball hero. You did not see me; You did not wave goodbye. The summer, A wall Of shining chain-link diamonds, Already between us. |
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| © Copyright 2000 jenni - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hey Jenni, I liked it!!!!  |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
I liked it a lot!!!!!! |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
I liked it sooooo much...... |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
....that I will give it a proper cliched Trevor'ish, paste and cut critique And yes, I already know I'm a pain in the butt "The last day of school, Bright yellow buses and wood-paneled wagons Waiting; Under construction paper clouds, I watched you from the playground, My blacktop kickball hero." I liked the first stanza though I thought you could have added an extra line or two describing what the buses and station wagons were waiting for...even though it's kind of apparent it still might add to the poem. Consider giving "wood-paneled wagons" their own line and chopping out "and". BTW, good use of alliteration. I reallllly loved the line "Under construction paper clouds". Loved it sooo much that you have fifteen minutes to edit it out and hand it over to me or I shall abuse my moderators position and delete this whole poem!!!! The last three lines work very effictively at giving this poem a very innocent love feeling."You did not see me; You did not wave goodbye. The summer, A wall Of shining chain-link diamonds, Already between us." I also really liked the second stanza and the way you turned summer into a separation device. The only suggestion I have is perhaps changing "diamonds", the "chain link" fits because of the school yard but I don't see how "diamond" fits in....if the young girl loves this kid would she see the wall as a thing made of diamonds. All in all I really liked this poem. Very solid posting, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
Jenni, I agree with Trevor's first three posts. The imagery here is beautiful. You paint the scene well. Good work poet. J.L.H. Jason I...I have seen the best minds of my generation... --Allen Ginsberg |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jenni "Big yellow busses and wood-panelled wagons" is brilliant read aloud .. I know it's shades of Jim but I can't help saying that I read it as: BIG yell ow BUS es and WOOD pan elled WAG ons this is, I think, dactylic for what its worth ..lol. I would prefer to think of it as "triplet" rhythm. I have no idea whether you made a conscious decision to do this or not but that particular rhythm combined with the balanced quality of the line works well i think. The reason it works is that the first line of the poem is so simple and direct, almost like an announcement, which only serves to emphasise the bustling and busy quality of the second line engendered by the rhythmic devices i have already mentioned. So what we get is the scene immediately set by the first line followed by the feeling of intense activity (and of course the images of the vehicles) all of which portrays nicely the vision of children piling out of school gates and onto the transport ....... yes bustling is good. The single word "waiting" on its own line has a twofold effect for me: It serves to place a full stop on the scene of the activity. It is almost as if a camera suddenly cuts from the scene of the massed children and stops ....... and then ... all of a sudden there is this little forlorn girl standing by herself in the playground ...... and what is she doing ....... well..... of course she is "waiting" as well ........ (Nice Jenni .. what's that word Haze uses .. ummm ..kudos poet ..lol). We learn then what she is waiting for ... Then in the next stanza two very barren bleak lines .. to reflect the despair growing in her heart ....... Such simple language .. a child's thoughts but also language to emphasise the sadness. Now then the last few lines: "The summer, A wall Of shining chain-link diamonds, Already between us." Clearly it's the summer holidays .. she will be separated from him. I guess these lines are all about imagery and a little double meaning (i fairly sure I'm not missing anything .. I hope not). Obviously the summer holidays act as a barrier but also there she is in the playground with a real physical barrier between them as well. A real fence already separating them made up of chain link wires in their characteristic galvanised diamonds which, when, caught by the sun glitter as well ... I didn't have Trevor's problem with the diamonds because that's exactly what i think a young girl would see .. little shining diamond windows through which she watches her love disappear. I hope I made some sense ... PS I do agree about the "Under construction paper clouds" .. wonderful (added ..lol) line ... just trying to figure our which of the several images it conveys I should go for ...lol PPS Btw if Trevor's having the "Under construction ..." line I want "Pressed to the fragile thinness ..."  [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 02-17-2000).] |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jenni, Since this poem has already been dissected, I will just say that I liked it a lot. It brought back memories of a childhood crush, on a boy named Tommy, who was the champion of the monkey bars...... Kris there's a hell of a good universe next door;lets go ~ e. e. cummings |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jenni: I would have waved if I saw you! Jenni, this was excellent. I wonder if people who are younger than you and I remember elementary school days (especially the last day of school) the same way. You captured the melodrama beautifully. Let me take a wild guess ... you were in 5th grade.Okay, enough reminiscing ... on to the poem. "The last day of school, Bright yellow buses and wood-paneled wagons Waiting;" I think "Waiting" set apart the way it is gives this piece too much of a pause in the wrong place. It almost gives the impression to me of the world stopping. "Under construction paper clouds, I watched you from the playground, My blacktop kickball hero." I was only third in the elementary school kickball heirarchy. Two lefties, Todd and Kevin, were ahead of me. Funny, the heirarchies we create when we are young. You illustrated this very well. "You did not see me; You did not wave goodbye. The summer, A wall Of shining chain-link diamonds, Already between us." Nothing like puppy-love lost. And the little butt-head didn't even waive. Do you want me to beat him up for you Jenni? I really liked this one. Brought back memories of Star Wars action figures and knock-hockey. Thanks. Jim |
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max New Member
since 2000-02-17
Posts 5 |
Hi Jenni, This is my first post at Passions so I'll qualify myself by saying I've read far more poems than Ive written-which is probably true for most writers but the gap seems particularly wide to me . I want to tell you that I enjoyed the poem-it draws its strength in several places for me-I was immediately drawn into it by your use of school supportive imagery-playground buses construction paper-and loaded with that imagery it introduces the speaker-and surprisingly I felt familiarity before she was introduced. And so sympathetic to the second stanza -where the fence image - visually the barrier of their relationship-and also the symbol of summer time absense. The rhythm is great too-it stops and starts the way I would imagine the emotions occurring in the speaker. The theme of unfulfilled love is tenderly said. Thankyou for that. max The last day of school, Bright yellow buses and wood-paneled wagons Waiting; Under construction paper clouds, I watched you from the playground, My blacktop kickball hero. You did not see me; You did not wave goodbye. The summer, A wall Of shining chain-link diamonds, Already between us. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
"you did not see me you did not wave goodbye" simple lines but oh,how the girl must have hurt!!! "the summer a wall of shining chain-like diamonds already between us" liked the use of the word "already"--what despair she must have felt when she realised the barriers the summer holidays brought.. did have a little trouble with "diamonds" though but i think i understand what Poertree has intrepreted by it. great poem") |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
trevor and kaile-- about the diamonds. i'm guessing that you're looking at diamonds as something "good", valuable, sought-after. i think the diamonds fit in here for a number of reasons. first, as philip notes, the chain-link fence that separates the little girl (let's call her 'jenni') from her kickball hero (let's call him 'eddie travis') makes an interlocking diamond pattern. secondly, while a diamond, yes, is generally thought of as a "good" thing (as is summer), few things are harder, more impenetrable, and more enduring. a whole wall of shining diamonds, then, like summer or the last day of school, seems like a great thing, until your kickball hero is on the other side, and there is nothing you can do to get through. i also like the association with engagement rings here. a diamond is a symbol of love and the linking of two people together; here, in an (attempted) ironic twist, the linked diamonds act as another "separation device", like summer. does that make any sense to either of you? suggestions? jim-- i put "waiting" on its own line to give just a teeny bit of separation to "wagons waiting", and also to create some kind of tension in the first stanza. in addition, as philip noted, it's supposed to have some resonance with the speaker waiting on the playground. both you and philip, though, noted a "full stop", which i didn't intend, or "too much of a pause", which i didn't quite intend either (i intended "just enough pause", lol), so i'll think about that. and thanks for the offer, lol, but the last thing i'd want is to have poor little eddie on the receiving end of some strikeblockstrikes. *sigh* jason, philip, kris, max, thanks for your comments, i'm glad you enjoyed it. thanks for giving it a read. and thanks for stopping here first, max! jenni |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Jenni, I like simplicity. Really, I do. But I think the power of the images you represent don't complement your theme very well. Rather, I don't think your theme complements your very powerful images here. What's the best your gonna get from this? A wistful, nostalgic longing for elementary school (I wasn't very good at kickball by the way)? Come on, you've got that great diamond image at the end. Use it, develop it, make this into something that people don't just relate to but actually grow or learn from (I don't mean be didactic). You've also got wood paneled wagons -- what about a contrast between the American Western myth and the myth of lost youth? Again, great imagery but think you need to shoot for something more than this theme. Just an opinion or is this just an embittered opinion? Brad |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
brad-- thank you! i guess part of me already kind of 'felt' what you were saying, and after reading your comments i have to agree with you. i don't know about doing "a contrast between the American Western myth and the myth of lost youth", lol, but, yeah, i should have tried harder with this one. seriously, thanks for the kick in the butt, i need that from time to time. jenni [This message has been edited by jenni (edited 02-20-2000).] |
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