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The Messenger's of God
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The Messenger's of God |
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Marina Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245Pickering, Ontario |
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Messanger's of God Through the silence of the dark and the murk In ties that bind the mortal with the immortal In the gift of love there is the Dove's work Co-excisting on Earth's Plain that we must share There names and spirit faces, I know not Only delighting in the spell of their radiant beauty Many generations of the great creation have repetatively sought To seek out these invisable helpers from the City of David In brightly lit hues of hearts fire red They descend from the winter white tunnel Created from the ashes and the dust we are awakened from our bed In a sea of blues and greens the Arc Angels have come These heavenly hosts, the Sons of God Hold the melody of our prayers Entrust in thee and you will see That these are the messangers The messager's of God Marina Feb 4/2000 This is the first poem I have ever written any comments would be greatly appreciated. Thanks |
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| © Copyright 2000 Marina Crossley - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Marina: Welcome to Critical Analysis and welcome to Passions. So this is your first poem? The first you've ever written? I want you to know that any criticisms I offer are intended to be constructive and are not intended to be mean-spirited. I also what to commend you on your bravery in posting this here. It is not easy to subject your work, especially your first poem, to criticism. My first advice to you would be to proof read carefully. There are a number typographical errors that tend to attract the reader's attention. The first, and most prominent, is the typo in your title. "The Messenger's of God" is written as a possessive. I think you intended "Messengers" to be plural rather than possessive. To change this, simply click on the second icon to the right of "posted 02-13-2000 04:46 PM" next to your name at the top of your post and proceed with your edits. "Through the silence of the dark and the murk" You may be able to tighten up this sentence by changing "... of the dark and the murk" to "of the dark and murk". Just a suggestion. "In ties that bind the mortal with the immortal In the gift of love there is the Dove's work Co-excisting on Earth's Plain that we must share" Generally one ought to be careful with the use of religious allusions, primarily because of the tendency to use words that would prove unfamiliar to those without a religious upbringing or training. I suspect "the gift of love" is a reference to Christ's death and resurrection and the Dove's work is a reference to the work of God, the Holy Spirit. There is a typo in "co-existing" by the way. The "co-existing" line was confusing to me. I'm not exactly sure what you are trying to say. Is "co-existing" a description of the triune nature that Christ and the Holy Spirit share with the Father or is it something else? Do you mean "plane" as in "heavenly plane"/"earthly plane" or do you mean "plain" as in the Great Plains? I suspect the former. "There names and spirit faces, I know not Only delighting in the spell of their radiant beauty" I suspect you are describing angels here. I think I would like to see a more vivid description of these heavenly messengers. Don't just tell me they are beautiful, describe their beauty to me. "Many generations of the great creation have repetatively sought To seek out these invisable helpers from the City of David" The words "sought to seek" are tautological (repetition of the same meaning twice such as "the large big man" or the "small little mouse"). Drop "To seek" and, voila, the problem goes away. "Invisible is mispelled. Another thing, if they are invisible, how do you know they are beautiful? If you can see their beauty, why do you say they are invisible? I think I know you answers to these questions. I am simply pointing out potential difficulties resulting from your word choices. "In brightly lit hues of hearts fire red They descend from the winter white tunnel Created from the ashes and the dust we are awakened from our bed" This was my favorite part. The descriptions are vivid and imaginative. Even though you use the "poetic no-no words" of "heart" and "fire" it worked for me. The rhyme seems a little forced. I'm a little confused, however, by your transition from "tunnel" to "created". What was created? Was it "they", the "white tunnel" or "we"? "In a sea of blues and greens the Arc Angels have come" You mean "archangels". They are not capitalized in the same manner as "God", "The Holy Spirit", or "Bible" are capitalized. Archangels are not proper nouns unless you refer to a specific archangel such as Michael the Archangel. "These heavenly hosts, the Sons of God Hold the melody of our prayers Entrust in thee and you will see That these are the messangers The messager's of God" You mispell messengers twice and also repeat the possessive mistake. For a first shot at poetry I think this is well done. Just clean up the typos and grammatical errors and be careful with your sentence structure. Thanks for the read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Marina Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245Pickering, Ontario |
Jbouder: Thank you very much for your suggestions. Since I have never written a poem before I don't know the first thing about the correct way of writing. I hope through Passions I can improve my future poetry. Marina [This message has been edited by Marina (edited 02-14-2000).] |
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Ted Reynolds Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 331 |
You will improve. Jim's right in his comments, but don't let criticism depress you. Spelling seems trivial at first, compared to the exciting things we're trying to say, but it's like going out with your hair uncombed and your face dirty -- people often don't notice what a neat person you really are. Good spelling and grammar will all by itself make this more like the effective poem you want it to be -- more precise choice of words will boost it even more. Bet that soon you'll have us soaring with your poems. Looking forward to that. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
LOL. Marina, I wish just one person knew the "correct way of writing". I certainly do not want to discourage you from writing more. The more you write the better you get. Keep your mind open, learn from reading and commenting on the poems others submit in Critical Analysis (this is especially important), and experiment with ideas that you have. "Constructive" criticism has a tendency of shaking loose the dead twigs and leaving the good stuff to build upon. Ted is right that you have exciting things to say here and with mostly cosmetic changes, this poem can be much improved. I can guarantee you, by the way, that if you stick around here for a while, your abilities to read and write poetry will both improve. Thanks for posting. I look forward to reading your next poem. Jim P.S. You can call me Jim, btw. Only my mom calls me jbouder.  |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Hi Marina, It's good to see a fresh face and hear a new voice in here. I see that you've already met Jim, our esteemed moderator, and he has given you some excellent advice on your poem. BTW, I also thought this was very good, particularly for your first attempt. I can only echo his and Ted's suggestions. Although, to the writer, the message is surely the most important part, spelling and grammar can be extremely distracting to the reader. I saw a couple of wrong words he didn't mention, such as "there" in the first line of the second stanza looks like it should be "their." Use your spell checker to get the obvious misspellings and typos. But you must be careful with words like there/their, one/won, to/too/two and many others. Well, like they said, you will surely grow and improve here if you work at it. I think this is a solid start and look forward to your next poem. Pete What terms shall I find sufficiently simple in their sublimity -- sufficiently sublime in their simplicity -- for the mere enunciation of my theme? Edgar Allan Poe |
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Marina Member Elite
since 2000-02-10
Posts 2245Pickering, Ontario |
Thanks everyone for your suggestions and advice. I'm sure in excepting your constructive criticism my poetry will improve greatly. Marina [This message has been edited by Marina (edited 02-15-2000).] |
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